- What is love? - This is when you can’t live without him. This is a real answer to the question that I heard from a girl, but is this true? When examining the topic of healthy and unhealthy relationships, first of all I want to talk about the differences between intimacy and fusion. Intimacy is a state when I I can be with a person and at the same time feel my needs, desires, interests, boundaries and respect all the same from my partner, understand that he also has his own part of life in which all this is present. To be able to find common ground so that it would be good for both me and the other person. Merger is when I don’t feel my needs, desires and goals and live the life of my partner. In a merger, they don’t say what they like or want; they often adapt, but to the detriment of their interests and desires. Closeness is about trust. If your partner acted in a way that undermined your trust, look for the reason in your parental family - who did not trust whom, who was deceived, or in your own experience. If you have trust in your partner from the depths, then he will respond in kind, but if not, then he will step on your sore spot (injury). In a merger, a person strives to control the other in all possible ways. Constantly calling and asking where are you? Or maybe not so directly and directly, but with the same meaning. Read correspondence on social networks and on the phone. Intimacy is when it’s good to be alone, but together it’s even better. A partner is not needed to cover up the suffering of loneliness. When you are not good with yourself, someone else cannot feel good with you. And it is important to learn to enjoy yourself. In a merger without a partner, life ends and I cannot imagine my life without him, I fall into despair at the mere thought that our relationship will end and then the meaning of life will be lost. Merger is a fear of loneliness, dependence , attempts to keep a partner by adjusting to him, to the detriment of one’s interests, the desire to meet his expectations - to be the way he wants to see me. Another facet of merging is the claim to the partner’s personal space as one’s own - if I feel so good, then so does my partner. by default, this will also be good. Intimacy is the ability to speak openly about your feelings, convey them to your partner without hysterics, stress, accusations, or feigning resentment and detachment. The ability to talk about your feelings in a timely manner, without bringing them to the limit and intensity. In merging, this is the manipulation of resentment or guilt, “if you love me, then you will do this.” In merging, it is easy to accept other people’s experiences or desires as your own. “When my partner comes in a bad mood, I immediately pick up on his condition and my mood deteriorates, I feel bad.” In the merger there are a lot of guesses, fantasies, things that are not clarified about the relationship. “We’ve been dating for two years and I think we have a serious relationship.” I didn’t find out what my partner thought about this. But he turns out to think that it’s convenient for him to live like this and... that’s it. It would seem that in merging there are more feelings, and in intimacy there are fewer of them, but strangely enough, in merging feelings are either unhealthy or silent/suppressed, in close relationships there is an opportunity talk about your feelings openly with your partner. It is openness in the expression and manifestation of one’s feelings that makes a relationship close. And most importantly, intimacy is a sign of a healthy relationship, merging is a sign of emotional dependence and unhealthy personal boundaries of partners. A person who does not feel his internal boundaries seems to dissolve in another, growing closer to his partner and usually this happens very quickly. It is difficult for an attached partner to leave such a relationship, even if it brings suffering. If separation occurs, it is very painful - it is unbearable to tear the person away from you, because... Without him, there will be no me. The reasons for this situation lie in the severe violation of boundaries in childhood by parents, first of all, or by other adults (emotional, physical, sexual abuse). Such a person does not feel his personal space, he is used to having his space invaded and doing whatever he wants, not,