My favorite book by John Gottman, “The 7 Principles of a Happy Marriage,” begins by dissecting myths about relationships. The chapter is called “The Nonsense We Believe.” I propose to think about what myths and beliefs we have about reciprocity. Mutual love sounds like something very desirable and absolutely beautiful, which, like a magic wand, will solve all problems and fulfill desires. And this, of course, is a great joy and great gift. But don’t we expect too much from mutual love? I have a personal example on this topic. There is a person with whom I have great mutual love. But we have a diametrically opposite regime of sleep and wakefulness. 🤦‍♀️ If each of us lives according to our own comfortable schedule, then I wake up at the time he goes to bed. What will our mutuality do to our biorhythms? It won't solve our problem in any way. But feelings for each other and the desire to spend time together motivate us to look for solutions.❗️Reciprocity is not a solution to problems, but motivation to find a solution. We search, negotiate, compromise, now in one direction, then in the other. And it's not easy. Sometimes it’s just physically difficult. While we are negotiating. As long as I have enough motivation and strength to do this. But I see it as a dynamic system. At some point, we may get tired of negotiating and stop doing it. Reciprocity is reciprocal, and good sleep is more expensive. Reciprocity is a necessary condition, but not sufficient. Without her, it’s as if there’s nothing to negotiate. But the number of things that have to be negotiated is endless. There are stories when “I love” arises with a person who is completely alien (aesthetically, ideologically, physically). Then it is especially difficult to find compromise points. And this is an important and interesting question for research. What kind of love is this that is not comparable to life, that is not based on reality? What is wrong with the optics of my love that it does not bring me joy? Do you believe in the miraculous effects of reciprocity? What hopes do you have (or have you ever had) for mutual love??