Expressing your needs is, first of all, a skill. And, if a person is not accustomed to such a model of behavior, when requests are easily voiced, just as refusals are easily and painlessly accepted, then mastering this skill can be more difficult than it seems at first glance. Because there is a feeling of shame, or a feeling of fear of loss of affection. A stream of thoughts begins: “What if he laughs because my request is ridiculous,” “What if he refuses...”, “What if...”, “What if...” These thoughts stop a person from trying directly communicate your need to your partner. Here are some basic principles that will help you express your needs: The request should not include accusations or references to shortcomings (for example, “I need you to not be so rude and distant with me”). Try to express the request. about meeting the need as specifically as possible, for example: “please hold my hand while we walk in this park” and did not contain vagueness (“I need more warm feelings from you”) Don’t ask for too much at once. This is a step-by-step process when both you and the person close to you learn a new model of behavior. Remember about equal energy exchange. Ask the other what you could do for them. Thank the other when they do for you what you asked. He must know for sure that he did everything the way you wanted, and that you noticed it, and that you are pleased. You must remember that expressing a request will not always lead to its satisfaction. You need to prepare yourself for this in advance so as not to be upset or disappointed in the event of a reasoned refusal. By expressing your need, you reduce the level of anger and dissatisfaction that accumulates if you keep silent and do not voice requests. And this allows you to look at reality as it is, eliminating the misunderstandings that arise when you expect another person to be able to read your thoughts and fulfill your desires and needs. This clear expression of needs will help you create healthy, warm relationships with partners, with children, with friends, because this involves a respectful attitude towards another person, when you are ready to refuse and are open to discussion, for example, when and in what form the other will be able to fulfill your request. Sincerely, Elena Veselkova, psychologist, member of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League, author of the online course Fulcrum https://t.me/Elena_Veselkova_psy