From the author: I constantly control my husband. How to stop controlling? Where he was, who called, what he did, who was with him... “I have a problem. I constantly control my husband. How to stop controlling? Where he was, who called, what he did, who was with him, and so on. I do not limit his communication with friends, I do not limit his actions, but I constantly need to know what is happening to him. If he doesn't tell me something, I get angry. I need to know everything about him. I could still understand if I suspected him of infidelity. I know for sure that he has no other woman. I want to free myself from the mania of control. Not only do I get tired of myself, but I also torment my husband. He holds on, but sometimes I feel that it costs him a lot of patience. I want to enjoy life. I can’t enjoy every day, but I can’t. I also notice in myself that it’s somehow unpleasant for me if he went to meet friends without warning me. The thought that he is happy there makes me suffer. I myself understand the absurdity of what is happening. I know that if I love my husband, then I should be happy when he feels good. But it makes me angry. I want him to feel good only with me.” I cannot answer this letter unequivocally. At the heart of all experiences lie the roots of many problems. The first problem is control. Where does it come from? Very often women say that they begin to strongly control their husband after his betrayal. Nothing like this had happened before. Someone constantly controls, without any reason, not only her husband, but also other close people. For example, children. Why does the need to control arise? Everyone knows the use of the word control in the emotional sphere. Control your behavior, control your emotions, feelings. Keep calm. Behind the need to control is the fear of facing your feelings, pain and suffering. By spying on your husband, you are trying to create a controlled situation for your feelings. There is something inside of you that is very frightening. And these can only be feelings associated with pain and suffering. Most often, painful feelings arise from the fear of loss and betrayal. The fear of betrayal arises when a child too often in childhood is faced with his own unjustified expectations. When parents did not always keep their word and did not keep their promises. When the methods of education were not smooth, but depended on the mood of one of the parents. Whatever happened, the atmosphere in the family was uneven. Accordingly, not feeling the ground under its feet, the psyche is looking for its own ways to cope with those unexpected events and actions that cause suffering. Feelings and ways of interacting with parents are repressed into the unconscious and can lie dormant for a long time. Cheating is an event that awakens pain, bringing back the fear of facing those painful feelings again. That's why control wakes up. When your man or husband is having fun and having a good time with others, then inside you you feel that he has left you and betrayed you. You feel bad not because he feels good, but because pain creeps into your soul. As a little girl, you often felt left out of the celebration of life, feeling useless and experiencing betrayal. How to stop controlling? There is only one reliable and sure way - to SURVIVE the pain and suffering that your control is trying to drown out. First you need to understand what you are afraid of. Analyze your thoughts and feelings when you want to call, find out, stay informed. Understand your fear. This is very difficult and difficult, but you need to imagine a frightening situation and LIVE the pain associated with it. Controlling actions are a way to get proof and confidence that THIS did not happen. When a woman doubts her husband, she calls him to make sure that he is really at work and not with another woman. By reassuring yourself in this way, you condemn yourself to constant fear of betrayal, which means you will not be able to live without control. To live through repressed pain, you don’t need to look forevidence that the husband is at work. Go deep into your experience. If you are afraid of betrayal and betrayal, then imagine that your man is with another woman. Isn't it even possible to imagine this? I believe. It's incredibly painful. It is unbearable to admit this thought even for a second. But by running away from pain, seeking control, you doom yourself to constant tension and anxiety. Get over this pain once and for all. Live your suspicions as if they were reality. You just have to truly believe, having lived through fear and pain. This is the only way you will get rid of them forever. It is impossible to live through the pain at once. It takes months, and sometimes years. It all depends on the degree of pain. You cannot live it all at once, only drop by drop, as you live, you become stronger and gain the ability to go into the depths of pain. Control is inept attempts to escape from your feelings that bring you suffering. In control, you are constantly in fear and skim the surface of pain every time, causing yourself suffering. By diving from the surface to the depths, you will eventually heal from the pain. “A few months ago, my husband cheated on me. I took his betrayal very hard. Now relations are improving. How the husband was replaced. He behaves in a way that he did not behave on his honeymoon. But... He is often late for work. And at this time I am overcome by doubts. What if he's with someone again? Should I call my husband? Talk about your doubts? I'm afraid that he may soon get tired of my constant control. But I can’t help myself either...” I always say that the truth is in the middle. It is a tragedy for a woman to find out about her husband's infidelity. Getting over it and forgiving it is truly not easy. This takes time. Finding out about cheating today, and then living the same way a week later will not work. Betrayal hurts the soul, and these wounds take a long time to heal, if they heal at all. If you try to experience everything within yourself, it will emotionally isolate you from the husband whom you want to forgive. If you dedicate your husband to all your thoughts and control every step. Believe me, even the most loving and patient man will get tired. Both are to blame for what happened, so don’t try to protect the man from the consequences. Explain your feelings to him. Tell him that you are now afraid of deception and ask him for patience. You are an adult and must take on the pain. And share only part of the unpleasant emotions with the man. Together and each individually we must survive what happened. If you call him once in the evening and ask where he is and when he will arrive, that’s one thing. But if you hang up the phone every 30 minutes, that’s different. In your case, it’s useful to imagine the situation that he has another woman again. Imagine it very vividly, live this pain as if it happened. You need to understand what you will do in this case. In the same way, imagine a different outcome, that this will not happen again. And release all options for the development of your life into space. Trust him. In this case, if you let go, everything will be what is best for you. Control exhausts both. For a man, this is pressure from which he can quickly get tired. For a woman, being stressed all the time. If you are walking in the dark and hear footsteps behind you. You can walk and be afraid, but if you turn around, the fear will go away. Look him in the face. When you experience fear, you constantly live in the feeling that the worst thing can happen. Scroll through all the outcome options and accept them. Then try to relax and live calmly. Do you know how to escape if you are drowning in a water funnel? You need to dive into the depths and then swim away. At depth, the funnel disappears, and you can easily swim away from it. By staying on the surface of your emotions, avoiding depth, you will always be on the surface of the flow. By fighting it, you waste your strength and deprive yourself of the opportunity to live differently. Another reason for increased control lies in understanding and feeling the boundaries of your personal space and the space of another person. If you don’t feel your space and your boundaries, then