Teenagers are the most difficult age to raise. This is the age at which everything gets confused, the thread of understanding between family members is lost. How did you manage to raise a teenager who lives in such a confusing and contradictory world? What difficulties did you encounter on the way to growing up for your child? Our most important mistake, as educators, is an attempt to mistake the upbringing process for some kind of programming of the person who is growing up nearby. We are always trying to plan a specific result of a specific educational action. And if the “program” we created does not work the way we wanted, then we experience a feeling of guilt, inadequacy and badness. But everyone knows that the result of an educational action may be different than we expect. And this is probably wonderful. Raising a teenager does not have clear educational stereotypes. It's something like a dance. When all family members try to somehow improvise. I very often advise parents: try to make sure that for a while a teenager who wants to find his own “I”, who is going through his second psychic birth, tries to get you. And if you listen to him carefully, reflect him in the mirror of your eyes, engage in creativity and at the same time maintain your sincerity, maybe you can change something at this difficult and contradictory age. A teenager experiences some internal conflict. Perhaps about 10% of people do not experience this conflict. The main thing in this conflict, on the one hand, is the desired farewell to childhood, with its serenity, and on the other hand, the severity of parting with childhood and the emergence of responsibility. Where can a person escape from responsibility? In fact, from a family that no longer suits him, because... the teenager is trying to form his own world, he can escape in the direction of his group. In this group, everything will not be easy either, but, most importantly, the group must have distinctive features. If bell-bottom trousers or inside-out hats are a characteristic feature of this group, then the teenager will wear it. If the parent is not trying to push anything into the teenager, then it turns out that he is investing much more than the habit of analyzing the reasons why the teenager ended up in some kind of situation. then the situation, and attempts to lecture him. What does a teenager need? Of course, words of love and recognition by a teenager. How to make parenting unobtrusive? After all, a teenager wants to take risks. The need for risk is sometimes not very justified, but is dictated by an incomprehensible desire to assert oneself. Although, if we look, then at the bottom of our soul we will find this desire for self-affirmation. If dad or mom have not yet learned to take risks within their capabilities, then, with the advent of your child’s adolescence, it’s time for you to learn this too. Don’t be afraid to take risks on your territory! Don't be afraid to make mistakes! The more persistent you are in your desire to try out some new ways of interacting, the sooner you will begin to speak the same language. The main thing is that the teenager never ceases to be amazed at our ingenuity. Poems, humor, creativity are probably the most important ways. A teenager is a person who feels some kind of mystery of existence around him. He just can’t penetrate this secret, and parents often try to “ground” him. Parents listen with horror to what is shown on TV and believe that all the passions that happen on the screen are in the news, and fantasize that all these troubles can definitely happen to their child. This is not at all necessary! A teenager wants to be unique. It is then that life makes you and I feel that we live like everyone else, worry about the same topics, eat the same food bought in the supermarket, travel like everyone else in public transport... But somewhere deep down, We carry the feeling of a unique role, as the image and likeness of God, throughout our lives. We need to make sure that there is more interesting things at home. So that when leaving for a certain company, he wanted at leastsometimes to return or to carry something of ours through life. Can there be too much maternal love? Don't know. Because we put too many meanings into the concept of “maternal love”. Mother's love, like true love, is not always the ability to breastfeed a child at school, kiss him from head to toe, hug him, sleep with him in the same bed... very often what is meant by love is timely letting go of freedom. Maybe reading poetry at night, after the children have returned from their battles (from school, college), is the highest form of love? Why am I talking about this, because I would not want our teenagers to lose their mother’s love . Love, care and provision are completely different things. Love is not only the ability to look after, but also the ability to one day release someone in time. And the balance between these forms of love is so complex and fragile that it can hardly be discussed briefly. Love implies the ability to let go. And this is where “The Tale of Tsar Saltan” comes to mind. If you remember, the tsar-father was at war, the queen gave birth to a child, and this child was declared an unknown animal. The weaver, the cook, and her matchmaker, Babarikha, decided to kill the child and the queen. Essentially, these are three nannies. These nannies perform some act, as a result of which the boy becomes king. If they had not carried out this act, then there would be no fairy tale. And maybe the little barchuk simply pestered his nannies to the limit. What action they perform: they create a new queen in a barrel. And pay attention: “...And the child grows there, not by the day, but by the hour.” There, inside an absolutely risky situation, together with his mother, the future king becomes a man. Without this risk, in which mother and son found themselves together, nothing would have come of the teenager. Pushkin creates a real initiation rite for Guidon. And the swan princess, who is raising a teenager who has just crawled out of a barrel, says: “...Don’t worry that you won’t eat for three days for me...” The swan teaches you not to notice some little things and notice the important .There must be a mystery in the family. The riddle that distinguishes a family from other families. Their own traditions, their own ways of celebrating holidays and everyday life. A family is a small world, a planet on which there should be life. If this is not the case, then before it’s too late, you need to invent it. Because creating traditions in the family is creativity, which is quite within the capabilities of a teenager whom we trust. And how to come to an agreement with a teenager! And the usual communication scheme sounds something like this: “If you don’t sit down for your lessons now, then I won’t let you play on the computer!” Doesn’t it work? Try starting your phrases with something like this: “I can understand you.” If the phrase is built through the words “I can understand you,” then it sounds something like this: “I can understand that sometimes you don’t want to do your homework.” tasks. It depends on your mood and will probably pass soon. But if your reluctance drags on and you sit and do nothing, you won’t have time to play on the computer in the evening.” Or “...you will never have time to go to the skating rink,” or “you and I will never have time to drink tea and sweets together.” If our upbringing, due to busyness, is built only on the requirement of obedience, then the following can happen: he will actually learn what we teach. This means that he will learn his right to punish another person. And when he grows up, he identifies himself with us and with our demands and begins to punish us. And more often these are not physical punishments, but moral ones. Punishments are sometimes included in the concept of love, when things are done that do not deserve anything else. But it must be something exceptional. Then it will be remembered and bring its benefits. If a child is constantly punished, then the child stops remembering the events for which he is being punished. And in fact, he only remembers the punishment. This can explain that the child does the same thing, for which he is always punished.E. Spranger proposed a very simple and very obvious thing 100 years ago. This is a kind of division of children according tovalues ​​and interests into conditional types. I can briefly list these types. He singled out theoretical children. Children who strive for knowledge, for whom the most important thing is to understand the theoretical laws of what is happening. Economic children. Children who, first of all, are looking for benefits, benefits in knowledge, and what is happening around. Aesthetic children. These are children who seek to understand the world through a certain formalized impression through self-expression, through drawing or music. Social children who try to find themselves in communication with others. Political children who strive for power. Spranger believed that the area in which the interests of the child lie , should be an area of ​​freedom for him. It is necessary to let the economic child seek benefits and teach him how to obtain this benefit. The theoretical child needs to theorize, but the political child needs to be taught how to gain influence in his company or in his class. Teenagers often tell in therapy that they quarrel with their parents, that they have difficulty getting along with them. How to help a teenager with this problem? We need to talk. And you can have a conversation something like this. In a family, small, large, complete, incomplete, there is one rule, and it may be difficult for a teenager to understand, but it is that someone in the family must be smarter. Can a teenager understand his mom or dad? The rule of understanding works in both directions. Not only parents must find their teenager in their souls, but the teenager must also find his parents in his soul. What makes mom or dad irritated? What causes the quarrel? And, most likely, it will turn out that the teenager was very guilty of something before his parents, and now they don’t really believe it. Are parents really so bad that they don’t understand that a young person can make mistakes? You can invite the teenager to feel what is going on in the soul of mom or dad, give it a name. When something doesn’t work out in our lives, for example, the person we like doesn’t look in our direction, we don’t get what we would like, or we fail to bring something to life, find a great job... we, adults, feel unsatisfied. Often a teenager says to his parents: “Why did you give birth to me?” and an adult experiences exactly the same thing. Times are not very simple. And both adults and children get confused in this time. And mom is not satisfied with something. And dad did not make his dreams come true. Probably, parents have less money than they expected, and because of this there are fewer opportunities. And the parents are also still young. In the minds of a teenager, parents are aging people who have no desires, and cannot have any. The teenager perceives his parents as old and tries to seize dominance in the family by right of youth. But, nevertheless, parents do not feel their age. And sometimes they fail to behave respectably. And mom or dad want to feel young. And just like a teenager wants to say: “Oh, mom! Why did you give birth to me like this?”, they also want to blame someone for the fact that something in life is not working out. And someone has to learn to feel it. It is not the parents' fault that they brought a charming child into the world. And the child cannot be to blame for all the troubles of the parents. But sometimes you really want to find someone to blame and transfer your inner pain to him. In psychology this is called transference. And then this other person must learn to feel that they are being blamed not because they are guilty, but because the person is feeling bad. Help the teenager understand that he can go up to his mother, poke his mother’s shoulder and say: “Mom (or dad), calm down! You’re my best (best)!” Maybe mom will burst into tears from surprise. But these conflicts will become less if the teenager learns to feel that what does not satisfy the teenager, of course, something very similar does not satisfy mom or dad. Another technique that may come in handy. Before blaming the child or teenager for something , give it ten minutes. It usually happens like this: “Go wash it now/65954/