In different areas of my life, events happened one after another that I had to face for the first time. All of them were associated with major defeats, losses, behind which one thing was seen - rejection. And each time I was covered by a whole range of violent emotions and feelings, the source of which was shame: I am not like that. Wow, what an amazing thing happens when you realize that you feel ashamed and tell your close, caring people about it. Or at least write out your thoughts in words in the text. There is an awareness of the situation of rejection and an understanding that the shame that drives you away from everyone is not at all a healthy shame that serves as a regulator of social connections/close relationships . And toxic shame, which tells me to “sink into the ground”, not to exist and: enchants me in an invulnerable but arrogant white coat of grandiosity “I didn’t want to hurt” or blames “I did something wrong” Grandiosity inflates over my wounded I am the Superego, extolled by others, but blinds those close to me with the radiance of invulnerability, and dares me with the coldness and strength of my armor. But there, inside, I am: alive, wounded and abandoned. Guilt gives an imaginary feeling of control over the situation, as if “it was possible to influence something, but you, klutz, did something wrong somewhere. Find This is a mythical “something”, calculate it and next time you won’t be mistaken.” This is a direct path to the infinity of the past, which cannot be corrected: everything has already happened. Next time the situation will be different, but shame will blindly drive you according to the pattern of past experience, preventing you from seeing the real reality. Both of these reactions: inflated grandiosity or controlling guilt, although they provide a temporary effect of relief, at the same time prevent you from recognizing, feeling and living what happened the situation, eat up a lot of internal forces that are needed to feel the fullness of life. Awareness of shame in oneself, understanding of its causes and sources - it is not the situation that is solved, but the personal attitude towards it: Yes, I did everything I could, but it didn’t turn out right, what I expected. Yes, now I have to live with this and I’ll figure out how. Well, life will definitely sort everything out. The main thing to remember is that we are all just humans, made of flesh and feelings, we always make a choice of what to do at the point of maximum of what is possible that is available to us at this particular moment. And precisely because we: alive, vulnerable and interacting, sometimes we bump into each other about each other and all sorts of things happen. And we continue to live: to feel, lament, regret, repent, forgive and hope that even despite miscalculations and unpredictable results, we still remain good, accepted, humane and humane. And understanding these internal processes gives incredible surprise: “What?! I didn’t burn with shame, I didn’t get frosty with grandiosity, I didn’t go crazy searching for what to do to avoid this in the future, but I just continued to live and even more - I didn’t lose the ability to rejoice after such humiliating events?! I feel like, I feel peace, I feel that even the failure of our interaction is appropriate. The feeling “you can live with this too” gives you a feeling of acceptance of yourself: Yes, it happened Yes, this is not the end of everything, but just such a touch to reality I notice this and will build my path with Taking this into account, everything will work out and there will be life! In order to catch toxic shame under a heap of feelings and pull it to the surface, give it a name and “throw it into the wind,” you need time and the desire to be careful with yourself. I’ll tell you in person and online how exactly.