“For them, the better and more successful I am, the worse,” the man said, and I wrote it down in a blue notebook. When he applied, there was no issue of separation; the complaints were about self-confidence. But at the second session, an external and internal conflict was revealed. Let's talk about the inner. Look! In the process of growing up, he received beliefs that formed the prevailing self-esteem “I am a person worthy of love (respect) when I please others.” In particular, he was obliged to take care of and please his mother and younger sisters. The father left the family and male responsibilities fell on the son’s shoulders. One of the beliefs was: “I must be a good boy, a man.” Dutynanism shaped his behavior and habits. Satisfy the needs of women who “depend” on him. By some miracle (the Client himself was surprised at how) he got married at the university and moved in with his wife in her apartment. I went into business, started earning money and responded less to the requests of my mother and sisters due to my workload. The more successful he became, the more angry they were with him, reproaching him for his heartlessness. “They don’t see and don’t remember the good, it’s like they don’t have enough! It's like I have to carry them on myself. They don’t want to communicate well with my wife. My mother shames me, so sometimes I don’t pick up the phone when she calls,” said the client. The internal conflict is this: he must be good (son, brother, boy), but for this (in his understanding) he must be bad (husband, a businessman, a father to his own children). Agree, it’s difficult to believe in the positive result of your actions when you “oh, the board is shaking, now I’m going to fall” and don’t rely on a solid foundation. Be bad to be good / be bad to be good! So-so proposal, would you agree? So the question arose of separation not only from the parent, but also from the sisters. The man had to answer the questions: - what would change in his behavior when he became truly independent from (see above); - what would change emotionally and mentally; - what he was willing to give up in order to achieve his goals: less shame and guilt, anxiety (even fear), more self-confidence when communicating with members of the primary family... and more detailed questions. Do you see how internal conflict prevents you from living calmly and in pleasure? For clients, similar ones also arise due to attitudes and true desires formed during the process of growing up. Some solve problems, others nurture suffering. Have you had to be a bad person in order to remain good in the eyes of people important to you? Sincerely, Pyotr Galigarov is a practicing psychologist. (Permission for publication has been received) PS Some are ready to be good for others : being in a humiliating relationship, agreeing to unpleasant and painful sex, being in a gang, and so on. If you are tired of experiencing a constant feeling of shame, write, we’ll sort it out. Write if you're tired of being ashamed!