From the author: The previously published articles: “The World Through the Eyes of a Borderline” and “Psychotherapy of a Borderline Client” received many reader comments asking me to write about how to survive with a borderline in a close relationship. I respond to your request...BIG CHILD: HOW TO SURVIVE WITH A BORDERLINE? Illusions attract us because they relieve us of pain...Z. Freud What we call intensive psychotherapy is in fact an accelerated process aimed at achieving maturity, delayed for twenty, thirty or more years by trying to live with a childish attitude towards life. Bugental GENERAL SIGNS OF BORDERNESS Why “Big Child?” In this case, we are dealing with a discrepancy between the real, passport age and the psychological, subjectively experienced. Such people seem to have grown physically, but psychologically remained at the childish level of development. In psychotherapy there is a term for them - borderline. They will be discussed in this article. Let me remind you of the general signs of borderline behavior: 1. Polarity of consciousness. The borderline person splits all objects in the world into good and bad, kind and evil, black and white, etc. The perception of a borderline person is devoid of nuances.2. Egocentrism. The borderline self is infantile, centered on itself, which is manifested in the inability of the latter to take the point of view of the Other and the impossibility of empathy.3. Tendency to idealize. Borderlines are characterized by some disruption of contact with reality, which is manifested in attributing their desired idealized characteristics to the objects of the world and the world as a whole. The identified general psychological signs of borderlines will be embodied in their experiences of the world, themselves and other people. HOW TO SURVIVE WITH BORDERLANDS IN LIFE ?Psychotherapy of the borderline is not an easy project. It is not easier for those people who are in close relationships with a borderline. Here it is important to remember that you are dealing as if with an adult, but in terms of the level of psychological development with a small child. Due to the desire to idealize the borderline, it is impossible for his partner to have the right to make mistakes, it is impossible to be imperfect. The possibility of the Other to be the Other cannot be accepted by the borderline. He needs the other as an object that confirms the very existence of the borderline self. Such people fail to psychologically separate from their parents; they are always in search of their attention and approval. They are always looking for an ideal Other who would be completely at their disposal 24 hours a day (the need of a 2-year-old child). Psychological infantilism, in turn, leads to the fact that borderline people avoid responsibility, trying in every possible way to shift it to other people. Emotional immaturity manifests itself in incontinence of affect, a reactive outburst of emotions. All of the above greatly complicates relationships with such a person. Loving and unconditionally accepting such people is not easy. A person in a relationship with a borderline needs a lot of endurance, stability, calmness, he will have to learn to hold a lot. This process in psychology is called containment. A little theory. The term “containment” was introduced by the British psychoanalyst W. Bion, who proposed the “container-contained” model. This model is based on the idea that the infant presents his uncontrollable emotions (contained) to his mother (container) in order to receive them back in a more acceptable and easily tolerated form for him. The mother absorbs the negative emotions presented to her, giving them meaningful content, and returns them to the child. In this case, the child can include these emotions in the image of his Self. If the mother is not able to accept and process the child’s negative emotions, then this part of his mental reality will not be integrated into the image of his Self. Consequently, the partner of the borderline will have to stock up on empathy and unconditional positive acceptance - this is what he lacked in his early relationships with loved ones. What else you need to know andWhat should a borderline partner do? Be clear and clear in communication. A borderline person has big problems with boundaries - he is a master at violating other people's boundaries and invading the psychological space of other people. Therefore, it is very important when in contact with him to be sensitive to your boundaries and be able to protect them. Here “No” should sound like “No” and not otherwise. Clearly dealing with the borderline partner’s boundaries allows him to demonstrate a model for dealing with his own boundaries and creates the conditions for meeting the Other. Do not succumb to provocations. You may get the impression that the borderline person, by devaluing you and making claims, wants to leave you. Actually this is not true. Borderline, like a small child. tries to check how much you love and accept him, thus giving you a test for a “true test” of your attitude towards him. He doesn’t just believe your words, he wants real confirmation of your love. His negative behavior most likely has the following subtext: “It’s easy to love when I’m good and obedient, but you try to love me when I’m bad.” Don’t rush into reaction. The borderline's inability to keep their emotions in touch makes communicating with them very difficult. He behaves in contact like a small child, disobedient, provocative, violating boundaries, not accepting responsibility for himself, demanding attention, devaluing, reproaching. It is not surprising that a person who is in close contact with him soon develops a lot of irritation and even aggression. And here it is very important not to rush into reaction, which will inevitably lead to conflict. This strategy leads to increased provocations on the part of the border guard. This does not mean that you need to hold back your feelings - it is important to learn how to correctly present your feelings. Talk about your feelings. Emotional reactions in contact with borderline people are often strong and unconscious; they can unsettle even a psychologically stable person and require a lot of strength from him. The range of emotional reactions can range from sympathy to strong anger, fear, hopelessness or rage. In contact with the borderline, behind his feelings (aggression, irritation, resentment), it is necessary to look for the Other - the object to which these feelings are initially directed. These feelings mark important unsatisfied needs in childhood experience, initially addressed to these significant Others. It’s easier when we are dealing with a borderline person whose aggression is actualized. In the case of a borderline whiner, it is also necessary to reveal and actualize the aggression hidden behind resentment and guilt. Here we are faced with fear, which blocks awareness and manifestation of aggression. It must be remembered that both irritation and resentment are directed towards a significant Other; they mark the borderline’s need for the Other. In both cases, he still hopes to “return” the good Other. It is necessary not only to endure the “biting” of the borderline client, but also to talk about his feelings at this moment, returning him responsibility for his words and actions. Through such work, it is possible for the Other to appear in the psychic reality of the borderline. How should this be done? Using the I-statement technique. If negative feelings towards the borderline appear, talk about them, starting with the word “I”. “I’m angry at you” instead of “You make me angry,” “I’m upset” instead of “You make me sad.” This form of presenting feelings, on the one hand, informs the interlocutor about what is happening with the communication partner, on the other hand, it does not create a desire to defend himself or counterattack him. This technique is quite easy to implement technically, formally, but in real contact it is not easy to do - emotions overwhelm and it’s difficult to resist reacting in the usual way - with becoming personal, blaming, reproaching, evaluating. Be available to him. It is necessary to tell the borderline about where you are going, traveling, and what you plan to do there, even if we are talking about a short separation. This is done so that he does not