From the author: Sketch from the distance learning course “Development of Conscious Attention”. Published on my blog “Thinking Errors or Conversations for Awareness” Sketch from the distance learning course “Development of Conscious Attention”: From the lesson topic: “Imagine for a moment a person with warmth of soul. Will he prove that he is right? Will he argue? Will he impose his opinion?” Vera: Everything is absolutely so, I begin to argue, to prove that I am right, in essence, realizing that everyone has their own right.. And sometimes, as if there is some kind of competition about who will win.. I understand in the process of the argument that it is I who am absolutely wrong , I just have to behave differently, and everything will fall into place, but I can’t always force myself to behave differently. The good news is that this is becoming less and less. It helped me a lot to realize that an argument does not bring a quick way out of a problem, the listening exercise and I have already tried the task from the second topic, on perceiving the state of my interlocutor. Solutions: 1. Listening and answering exercises - practice as often as possible. And also the 3rd task from the 2nd topic: when talking, try to understand the state of the interlocutor.2. I understand that I need to work with some part of me, which sometimes comes out and controls me, I ask for advice from the group and Tatyana.3. Develop warmth. How?? Tell me, please, and I’ll think about it myself. Tatyana: I would like to draw your attention to the fact that it’s not a matter of time, which you devote little to your loved ones, it’s a matter of the quality of the time that you devote to them. Rather, they do not feel your interest in them, but feel your fixation on themselves. Vera: Worked on the assignment. Talking with her business partner, I realized from her state that she was nervous and there were several issues on which she needed to speak out. And not to discuss, but to convey your point of view. She spoke excitedly, even a little aggressively. I also tracked my condition and was able to maintain balance. She said that at the exhibition, our senior manager did not convey information correctly to clients. And that I listen to him more than her, and everything in the same spirit. I said that I would talk to the manager and agreed with her on some issues. She suggested discussing everything together after the exhibition. At the end of the conversation, her tone softened, she somehow calmed down, and the end of the day at the exhibition went well. In this situation, I was able to observe her and my state, not turn to mutual reproaches, but constructively and calmly end the conversation. In the second case, when talking with my husband, I tracked how I caught his state, and was unable to return to balance. My husband drove me to pick up my car from repair. He had a very difficult day and then we were stuck in a terrible traffic jam. I noticed that he was in a state of very high anxiety. He was just on edge. And I caught his state of anxiety. In fact, I realized that he needed to speak out. But I was not in a state of balance, and when he expressed his dissatisfaction with everything and everyone, I blurted out something in defense of someone. And it started again. In fact, I just had to be silent and watch myself (my assignment for the first topic), but it still came out of me again. Here I was not in control of the situation, but the situation again took control of me. While completing this task, I clearly saw how difficult it was for me to listen and not comment. The words are just squeezed out of me. Especially if I get out of balance, I feel like I'm being sucked into a whirlpool of chatter. Moreover, I realize that I am no longer listening or hearing the interlocutor, but am looking for a place to insert my comment. And I can't stop myself. I realized that I needed to be silent more and listen. And monitor the state of your interlocutor and YOURSELF. The task is right for me, I will do it more often. Maybe someone can tell you how to stop yourself quickly when you get carried away... and take you out of balance. How to get back to normal? Tatyana: In order to quicklyreturn to normal, you need to learn to ask yourself the question: “Why?” and answer it honestly. But this comes with practice. To begin, answer questions about past events and write the answers: Why did I need to insert my comment in a conversation with my husband? What did I want to get by inserting a comment? Why do I need to be drawn into the whirlpool of chatter? What do I get from this? We very easily adopt the emotional state of loved ones. It’s much easier with strangers, but with loved ones... The only way not to take on someone else’s condition is to be attentive to the condition of the other person and the desire to understand what is happening to him. For example, your husband comes home from work irritated, you can easily adopt his state and also begin to get irritated at the slightest reason, and even lash out at the children. Or you can catch this state of his and ask: “Did something happen?” and give the opportunity to “let off steam” without engaging in conversations, understanding that you are now giving the other the opportunity to calm down. If a person does not answer the question, then just give him 30 minutes so that everything inside him settles down. If he goes for a dialogue, then allow him to say a monologue without entering into a dialogue. Vera, practice, when your husband is “out of sorts”, simply give him the opportunity to speak out without entering into a dialogue, with the awareness that you are now helping him calm down, and by entering into a dialogue, you are pissing him off even more. The second option for such work could be recognition of its merits, which you wrote about. He is indignant for some reason, and you remember that he is an adult and independent and can solve this problem himself. If I don’t tell him, then I will once again emphasize that he is independent. Or - yes, now he grumbles at me, but I know that he always takes care of me. Keep his strengths in mind and you will see dramatic changes in his behavior. Practice for a few days and write the result. Moreover, you have already gained experience of such interaction with a companion and seen the result. Vera: I thought about it and answer honestly: Why did I insert my comments? In order to show that I don’t think that everyone is a bastard, and that everyone mirrors us... Well, he mirrors me too, if that bothers me. I tried to show by this that I was better, to raise my importance. Probably not consciously. But in fact, probably, all the clashes are precisely because of this. I don’t like that my husband constantly judges someone, but I also periodically judge something or someone... And in my relationship with my husband, I also began to notice that sometimes I would point out his shortcomings or weak point. What for? Yes, all for the same thing, to lift yourself up or something. It’s kind of stupid... Asking the question “Why” is very correct. I already understood this when I was thinking about the answer to the question. I will try everything you wrote to me and write. Thank you, very good suggestions. I already feel like this is going to make a difference. It seems to me that something has already changed in me. About the quality state - this is just an exercise about me. A very good exercise, I do it as soon as I remember. And I began to remember more often. I will say this, it’s not always possible to understand a person’s state, especially when he is in a fairly calm state, but at least he manages to listen and hear!! Which was problematic for me. I’m also starting to monitor my condition more often and, accordingly, somehow correct it or keep it in balance. I also really liked asking the question: “Why?” That's for sure, everything ingenious is simple! I now ask this question to myself, and ask myself about the intention of the interlocutor. “Why does he need to behave this way, speak in such a tone, say such and such words?” When you manage to see the hidden meaning, a lot of things fall into place... You can already see your own hidden meaning, which is more difficult than seeing someone else’s. I was very interested in the topic “Knowledge and the implementation of this knowledge in life.” “There are two types of people: some delve only into knowledge, others direct their knowledge to life processes.” I saw among.