From the author: If you learn to notice when they are trying to manipulate you, then you have the freedom to decide for yourself - to give in or do it your own way. Imagine - a person lives, happy, contented, self-confident, knows what he wants, and little by little he achieves it, not forgetting to enjoy life. It would seem that this would be the case for everyone! But not everyone benefits from people feeling good. A self-confident and satisfied person will not be fooled by stupid advertising, recklessly obey the idiotic instructions of his boss, or participate in meaningless political actions. Accordingly, advertisers, politicians and other “good people” need your low self-esteem, self-doubt and so that you do not know exactly what you want, or are not sure that you can achieve it yourself. ESPECIALLY DANGEROUSThere are many categories of citizens who seek to control you and your opinion: parents, relatives, relatives of your life partner, the life partner himself, the sales manager of a Canadian wholesale company, a member of a cult, a doctor at a clinic, and even some of those whom you consider friends. All of them from time to time are not averse to using you for their own benefit to get money, love, attention, a puncher until Monday, a soul or a favor. At the same time, for many, manipulation really does not prevent you from loving you sincerely, for example, your mother or spouse - such is the paradoxical human nature. By definition, manipulation is a type of psychological influence that leads to hidden arousal in another person of intentions that do not coincide with his existing desires. It is not surprising that many manipulators sincerely believe that they are doing everything for your benefit (mothers, spouses and mothers-in-law are in this category) - they do not really understand that things that go against your desires will not bring real benefit. And I think it’s not so important to resist any manipulation as to see when they are trying to manipulate you, and then decide for yourself whether to give in or do it your own way. With such a conscious approach, manipulation can even be turned into a harmless and exciting game. HOW MANIPULATION WORKS The main feature that distinguishes manipulation from a request or direct order is the subtext aimed at your personality and creating strong emotional tension. Compare:1. “Please clean up the room” and “You’re just killing me with this mess!”2. “We need you to finish this report by tomorrow” and “Do you understand that if you don’t finish the report by tomorrow, you will let the whole team down?”3. “Let's have dinner together?” and “How long can I wait for you for dinner, you constantly ignore me!”4. "Found a job? Congratulations!" or “Found a job? Well, it’s okay that not everyone is lucky if they are not in their specialty. Can you handle it?” It would seem that the difference in words is insignificant, but the first and second remarks evoke completely different emotional reactions: every second option makes you feel guilt, shame, fear, uncertainty and pessimism, and also greatly undermines self-esteem and self-confidence (as the consequence is also anger at the “well-wisher”). To achieve this effect, the manipulator, instead of talking about the matter, covertly, and sometimes quite explicitly, talks about your personality. If we expand the hidden messages in our examples, we get the following: 1, 3 - “you are bad, I feel bad because of you”, 2 - “you can let us down, we don’t believe you”, 4 - “you are not able to choose a normal profession and in general you’re unlikely to cope.” Do you feel how evil and murderous these phrases are? It is not surprising that such words leave a disgusting aftertaste and some feeling of inferiority. And if such experiences are difficult for you to bear, you are ready to do almost anything just to correct the situation, to prove, “I can do it, I’m not so bad, I can do it,” etc. Although in fact, the achievements themselves are no longer so important, it is important that the manipulator still admits that “yes, you did great,” “you did it,” “I’m proud of you.” Butmanipulators rarely or very carefully do this - after all, it is beneficial for them to leave you “on the hook” so that they can continue to control using similar levers. In addition to using negative feelings, which work great for a person with low self-esteem, manipulators can also play on positive ones emotions: “You write projects better than anyone, no one but you will finish it before tomorrow morning!”, “You can’t refuse me, I’ll be completely lost without your help,” “I’m sure that you love me and don’t want to upset me.” - so let’s go to the restaurant today!” etc. Such manipulation affects all the same weaknesses: dependence on a good opinion, the desire to receive praise, a high assessment, or simply not to destroy your bright image in the eyes of the manipulator. HOW TO RESIST MANIPULATION 1. Strengthen self-esteem. For self-esteem to be healthy, it is necessary walk in the fresh air, feed with vitamins, do not offend and strengthen. That is: to study your real strengths and weaknesses, set realistic goals for yourself, learn to accept recognition, compliments and praise, record your achievements, experience mistakes and failures without being destroyed, but transforming them into useful experience. If all this is difficult for you, it makes sense to work with a psychologist.2. Understand your desires and trust them. If you clearly know what and how exactly you want, you know your priorities, it will be difficult to lead you astray from the right path by manipulation.3. Learn to read between the lines. The hidden emotional message that hides behind seemingly harmless formulations is difficult to immediately isolate and understand consciously. Therefore, it often seems to the victim that difficult feelings arose on their own (“why am I so irritable...”). Remember: if a feeling arises, it doesn’t seem like it. Get into the habit of acknowledging your feelings and exploring your emotional reaction to any suspicious remark. It is useful to analyze (as we did with the examples above) what exactly hooked you and made you experience guilt, shame, awkwardness, anger or uncertainty.4. Don’t be afraid to call the manipulator to clarity. Sometimes the meaning of words is directly opposite to the subtext. There is also the “multi-letter” technique - verbose, intricate argumentation is used to immerse the listener’s consciousness in a verbal fog - which is why you will have little understanding of what is happening, and therefore will not be able to adequately respond to the situation. The best remedy for this verbal haze is a ray of light, that is, a direct and clear statement: “I’m completely confused, tell me straight, what do you want from me?” Repeat this phrase until the other person finally speaks directly. And you can directly agree or refuse.5. The ability to say “no.” The manipulation is designed to make it difficult for you to refuse, but easier to agree. Therefore, for those who find it difficult to say “no”, it is vitally important to train in this useful skill (and in general, to assign to yourself the right to refuse, disagree, be inconvenient, disobedient). In addition to a simple “no,” you can find wording that will suit different situations. "I will not do it". "I can't help you." “I really don’t like to refuse, but now I have to,” “I’m sorry, I can’t satisfy your request.” “I already said “no” once, there is no need to insist further, I will not change my mind.”6. Take a break or run away. If it is difficult for you to defend yourself, if you understand that you are ready to get upset, give in, or feel like you are in a trap, refuse to play on someone else’s field. Experienced manipulators are well versed in the techniques of psychological pressure; they can calculate your reactions, prepare many counterarguments to any protests, and create a feeling of confusion, confusion, and haste. If you feel a catch, but don’t know how to respond adequately, run away, allow yourself a break to collect your thoughts, consult with trusted people. For example: “I can’t decide this now, I’ll answer later.” "I need time to think." Unless it's an emergency, manipulators often create.