From the author: The article was published on my blog “Thinking errors or conversations for awareness” We allowed new beliefs into ourselves and asked ourselves two main questions: What is the essence of the complaint? How to improve the situation for the better? But often, in order to find answers to these questions, a constructive conversation with your opponent is necessary. Unfortunately, the critic and the criticized are not always ready for such a dialogue. The main obstacle is that they may be overwhelmed by strong negative emotions. You can, of course, remain in these negative emotions, you can even shout, quarrel or be offended... But what will be the result? How do you feel after such “shocks”? But you don’t have to let it all come to this. If you accepted the second option, then the FIRST STEP towards dialogue will be to create a favorable emotional background for the conversation. First you need to regulate your emotions and help your partner do this. This will be possible when you can keep in mind the GOAL - A CONSTRUCTIVE EXIT from criticism, otherwise it will be much more difficult to reduce emotional stress. Some of the tension will go away if you simply relax your body. As you relax, remember one of the positive beliefs that most applies to this situation. For example, if your boss is criticized for completing a task in bad faith, you can remember the belief: no one is perfect, all people make mistakes. Next, take a few deep breaths. choose a goal - a constructive way out of criticism; relax your body; remember one of the positive beliefs. Having completed these points, in the end you have become much calmer. Now your task is to help your partner calm down. To do this, do not forbid him to express or experience negative feelings, remembering that a ban will not help get rid of them. Such wishes: “Don’t worry!”, “Don’t shout!”, “Don’t worry so much!” will not reduce tension. It's better to let your partner know that you don't judge him for his feelings. Try to indicate his feelings: “Are you angry with me?”, “Are you upset that I ...” This will demonstrate your understanding of his feelings and help him calm down. keep the calm state developed by the first three points, allow your partner to express or experience negative feelings, demonstrate understanding of your partner’s feelings STEP TWO - clarify the complaint. Don't interrupt your partner or stop him from talking. Your task is to help him more accurately state his position, and at the first stage he only expresses his attitude to what is happening or what happened. Until you understand his true interests or needs, you will not be able to make a constructive proposal. To clarify the essence of the matter, it is useful to repeat the critic’s phrase, starting with the words: “As I understand...”, “If I understand you correctly...”, “As I understand, you want...”. Try to paraphrase the critic’s main idea in your own words. You can ask clarifying questions so that the answer contains additional important information: “I want to understand, tell me more about...”. Never ask questions that begin with the word “Why?” and those questions to which you know the answers. You need to show that you are ready to understand the situation deeper, and asking such questions can only anger your opponent. Once you have formulated the essence of the complaint together, repeat it again for your opponent, this is necessary in order to make sure that you have understood it correctly, for example: “Do you want me to always give you a report before 9 o’clock in the morning?” or “Do you want me to always call you if I’m late at work?” allow the critic to express his attitude to what is happening; try to understand the essence of the claim by repeating the critic’s phrases, paraphrasing his thoughts in your own words and asking clarifying questions; formulate the essence of the claim and repeat it out loud STEP THREE - recognition of the facts. Having clarified the essence of the claim, acknowledge the fairness of the facts noted in it. You may not accept the conclusions that.