Once with a client (a 42-year-old man), we revealed a deep-seated belief that love is when you are tolerated, despite the fact that you do frankly terrible things (let’s call my client an “addict”, since there are addictions ) and as soon as the relationship becomes relatively healthy, the feeling that you are loved disappears. Love must be proven. And first - to provoke, well, so that he has something to prove. He provokes people unconsciously when he behaves somehow asocially (uses psychoactive substances, aggressive behavior, violating rules in general and in personal relationships and at work). From time to time he provokes the anger and dissatisfaction of others. If he meets a person, becomes addicted, and suddenly he comes across a healthy person who, naturally, is not going to continue the relationship with him. But our addict does not conclude that we need to stop behaving this way. No. He concludes that he was not “really” loved. And if they loved, they would withstand these “temporary” difficulties! Here is the formulated deep conviction: “I cannot behave socially acceptable, because then I do not feel that I am accepted for who I am. There is emptiness, fear and absence inside control, there are no signs of love. Only when I am addicted and they are unhappy with me, they scold me, they shout, they are offended, they punish me - then I understand that they love me!” (note: no, this is definitely not BPD, it doesn’t meet the criteria). In response to the anger or dissatisfaction caused, the client experiences relief, a feeling of confidence and control of the situation... It is also interesting that the client accepts his partners with their shortcomings. That is, it works both ways for him. In the historical retrospective of his case, the significant figure was his loving, but completely devaluing, humiliating, always dissatisfied father. All-acceptance, help in trouble (payment of debts) with intense abuse of all kinds. At the same time, to this day, the parent is completely unaware that thanks to his direct long-term influence, we have what we have. Psychological violence, the imposition of feelings of guilt, severe devaluation, at the same time mixed with love continues... PS It is interesting that the aggressive behavior of the parent is presumably associated with the fear of aging, oblivion and non-existence, since it is a very big disappointment for the parent that the son did not bear him (!) a son, that is, a grandson. Again, brat, didn't please...