The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world... The sacred horror with which at eleven years old you scream, swallowing tears: “Mom, you’re a fool!”, because there is no one better than her, and her will not be. Everything else is literature. Vera Pavlova The morning is wiser than the evening, the daughter is the mother. What nonsense they wasted their time on - arguing whether it was possible in the snow without a hat, in the rain - without an umbrella. If only we could grab each other in an armful - mom! Daughter! Vera Pavlova Daughter is an endless mother. Mother is an endless daughter. And don’t try to understand. But try to help the Mother carry her daughter, the stupid, old daughter, the Daughters carry the mother into the night. Into the endless night. Vera Pavlova. Every woman has or had a mother. The “mother-daughter” relationship is a universal reason and an eternal topic of women’s conversations. According to our cultural ideals, a mother is expected to be tender and loving—and so is her daughter. But an adult woman has many emotions (not always positive!) when it comes to her mother. The relationship with the mother can be harmonious, or it can be difficult or hostile. The most interesting thing is that they are almost never neutral. It falls to all women to understand them at one time or another in their lives, and perhaps throughout their lives. I propose to talk about mother-daughter relationships, which undergo inevitable changes throughout life. It is necessary to know about all the important stages in the development of relationships in a mother-daughter pair in order to maintain the warm feelings that all women need and not make serious mistakes. Unfortunately, there are often cases when a mother from a close person becomes an enemy for her daughter, while while she herself believes that her daughter has moved away from her. Experts in the field of family relations have divided the relationship between mother and daughter into three stages: Mom hug me Mom let me go Mom leave me alone. A familiar system, isn’t it? In reality, relationships are much more multifaceted . Therefore, it is better to start the conversation with the most common mistakes in the “mother-daughter” system.. It is better not to make these mistakes when raising your child (the article is based on the text of Ekaterina Eliseeva’s speech: Mom and daughter: when not everything is going smoothly).MOM’S MISTAKES Error No. 1 . I will make of you what I myself have not become. The daughter, in a symbolic sense, is a mirror for the mother, in which she sees her own reflection. Women subconsciously identify their daughter with themselves. Often it is even difficult for a mother to understand where the boundary between her and her daughter lies. In an implicit (and sometimes explicit!) way, the mother tells her daughter what she wants her to be, what her daughter can and should be, and the daughter, growing up, consciously and unconsciously relates herself to with the mother's expectations. And then a brutal struggle begins for similarities and dissimilarities, from which both sides suffer. Considering her daughter to be her “second self,” an “improved version,” the woman tries to raise her in accordance with her ideas about what is best for her daughter, trying to compensate for all the shortcomings of her life ways. “Let everything be different from mine, much better!” Often the ideal is chosen to be something that the mother herself did not succeed in, something that she dreamed of. So the girl is sent to dance (mom dreamed of becoming a ballerina!), to music (mom herself did not learn to play the piano! etc.). At the same time, many women do not pay attention to what the child himself strives for, what abilities he has. Conflicts begin between mother and daughter. The mother is angry that the child does not appreciate what is being done for him. And the girl wants to do what she loves, and not what her mother wants. If a daughter is obedient by nature, if she blindly trusts her mother, then she tries with all her might to follow the imposed life pattern, to “shove herself into an invented image,” experiencing the fear of not living up to the ideal. In this situation, the conflict is expressed in the daughter’s eternal anxiety to “disappoint her mother” (and then other significant “maternal” figures). She tries to drive the "split" deep into herself, and a hidden neurosis arises. "The cell that many of us feel is a structure createdprojections of our parents (and most importantly - mothers!), which impose these projections on us" (L. Leonard). The need to prove something to your mother, to gain recognition from her, can become an obsession for a woman. I painted a picture - green sky - and showed it to my mother. She said: this is probably not bad. Then I wrote another one, holding the brush in my teeth - look, mom, without hands - and she said: well, this might be of interest to someone who knows! how it was done; but not me...Cynthia MacDonald's chilling poem is called "Achievements": the heroine will play a Gounod concerto with the Philharmonic Orchestra, and the mother will again say: well, that's not bad. And the heroine will play with the Boston Symphony next time. , lying on her back and holding the clarinet with her legs - look, mom, without hands! She will prepare an almond soufflé, first like this, and then without hands... and so on. You already understand everything: she will never hear what she is all for. this is done. (Many of us tried this too: not with mom, but with dad.) The ending is like this: So I sterilized my wrists, performed a brilliant amputation, threw away my hands and went to my mother. But before I could say: look, Mom, no hands! —she said: I have a gift for you. And she insisted that I try on children’s blue gloves - just to make sure that everything is in order with the size. Comments are unnecessary... How does the mother feel? "The search for the meaning of life in children and only in It can also cost her dearly. It smacks of vampirism. Perhaps this is a “search for a surrogate” of parental love, which she did not receive in childhood, and children are something like a drug, a kind of magic mirror that will always say: you are the best mother. The one who strives too much to be an ideal mother will certainly achieve this by suppressing everything in the child that is not her ideal “reflection.” If the child is a girl, the “Mirror” will still crack sooner or later. - and tension, or even conflict, will arise. If not, the situation is even worse: you have all met couples where mother and daughter were connected by a lifelong “clinch”, while the mother was stronger... The spectacle is not for the faint of heart: no girlfriends, men, nothing at all that can “depressurize” these relationships of fusion, symbiosis... Complete hopelessness, because love and respect require some distance, some space. Yes, in the end, these two women are simply not interested in each other - unlike mother and daughter, who have established a normal distance, who have something to tell each other, something to laugh or cry about together" (E. Mikhailova)... Take into account desires. child, so as not to make him unhappy. Error No. 2. You owe me an unpayable debt. When a daughter becomes independent, the mother often cannot come to terms with this. Loneliness and the inability to organize her personal life lead to the fact that the mother delays maximum of her daughter’s attention (“ I didn’t give birth to you so that..."). The daughter either becomes a prisoner of her mother’s whims, or a conflict arises in which the mother remains alone as a result. The whole horror of this situation is shown in the film “The Pianist” (1983) by Michael Haneke with Isabelle Huppert and Starring Annie Girardot (and the novel by Elfriede Jelinek, on which the film is based). Erica is a forty-year-old professional pianist who constantly lives with her mother (not such a rarity for an unmarried woman in our time). "Erica came into the world no earlier than The difficult years of married life have passed. As soon as the father passed the baton to his daughter, he immediately “left the stage.” (Elfrieda Jelinek) “Erica appeared, the father disappeared - it is impossible to better express the “repression” of the father by the child. This repression allows the mother to move another being, completely subject to her will, in the place of the father. Father’s participation is reduced to the function of reproduction, and all for this purpose , in order to provide the mother with the favorite toy of her narcissism - a prop for a defective identity..." (Elyacheff K., Einish N.). In such families, the daughter is often deprived of a way out of the clogged relationship with her mother, deprived of the influxfresh air and freedom, chained to her aging mother... The film (and, accordingly, the novel) presents a whole catalog of perversions, with the help of which the daughter signals that “something has rotted in the Danish kingdom”: masochism (psychological), which makes her every evening to return to her mother and sit down to watch TV with her, instead of living her own life, voyeurism, when Erica visits pornographic establishments, where she secretly watches others doing what she cannot decide to do with a man, self-destruction, when she cuts her genitals with a razor blade, trying to remind her that between her thighs something is calling to life, and, dying due to the absence of a man, masochism (physical), which does not allow Erica to adequately respond to a declaration of love from one of the students... In her life does not and never has had room for relationships with men, because the Mother’s shadow weighs down on her. Any personal development of Erica is blocked by incestuous relationships with her - the maternal prohibition blocked all possible ways of transition from the state of a girl to the state of a woman. An eternal lonely girl is the price for the idea “Mom, I will never part with you!”. A mother will not give up her child. She is with He is chained to him forever and will never let go... And if one of them leaves, the other will immediately die. After separation comes death right away... (T. Bernhard) No one argues that a mother, raising a child, is smarter and more experienced than him. But... you have to stop in time. Many mothers do not directly see that the girl has long become an adult woman who has the right to her own opinion. The mother imposes her attitudes on her daughter, which leads to conflicts, or seriously violates her daughter’s personal life. But each of us comes into this world with our own destiny... In another scenario for the development of relationships, one fine day a teenage daughter, realizing that she is a mature person, and realizing that “the lower classes can no longer, and the upper classes don’t want to,” decides to open protest. This does not lead to anything good - the girl, as a rule, does not know what she wants, she simply resists the pressure of her mother, but still depends entirely on her. Whether the daughter obeys or rebels, there is no winning in such a situation. We must not forget about our children’s right to privacy. Mistake No. 3. Why do we need dad? He is the third wheel! Dad should also take part in raising his daughter. Many mothers forget about this, completely relegating the father to the background. It is necessary for the harmonious development of a girl. And he should not be “squeezed out,” but should be invited to communicate with his daughter. How does it usually happen? As in the sad joke: “In the family, dad decides everything. And who the father is, the mother decides.” Error No. 4. Your place is next to me! The next stage in the development of the conflict is when the daughter gets married or is preparing for it. Young people appear in her life who begin to mean much more to her than her parents, which often causes the mother’s jealousy. If the daughter nevertheless decides to get married, then the mother often cannot come to terms with this and insists on living together as a whole clan. Meanwhile, a young family must live separately, must grow up and gain experience. Life under one roof is disastrous for all family members, even if everything seems to be going more or less well. Mistake No. 5. You were never able to choose a worthy man. The theme of mother-in-law and son-in-law has already become eternal. There are so many jokes there are too many to tell. Sometimes, in the fight against her son-in-law, in “declassifying” all his vices, the mother destroys her daughter’s family happiness. It's rare that a son-in-law is actually a real bastard. As a rule, the mother-in-law is irritated by the most insignificant things. Why? The mother unconsciously compares her daughter’s chosen one with her own ideal of a “real man,” and she often hinders the development of relationships between lovers. If a daughter marries a man “alien” to her mother, the “bright future” scheme comes apart at the seams. At this time, the relationship between the two closest women can deteriorate for a long time. In this matter, you should restrain yourself so as not to become an enemy of your own daughter. Another situation is possible,if the daughter obediently follows her mother’s instructions and rejects suitors who are not suitable from her point of view. When a girl turns 25, her mother begins to put pressure on her, says that it’s time to get married, and offers her options. Many daughters experience such a conflict very painfully: on the one hand, they internally protest, on the other, they still trust their mother. Internal discord arises - a favorable basis for psychosis. In this situation, you can advise your daughter to accept one of the points of view - either listen to her mother and get married (if successful, you will be happy, if not, you will become a philosopher (or psychologist, options are possible!), or reject the option she offers, because the external (direct) the conflict proceeds more easily than the internal one. If the daughter has firmly decided to reject the mother’s point of view, she will be able to defend her position and “extinguish” the conflict because she feels hesitation. By the way, if the mother herself finds a groom for her daughter, this is not the case. always bad - her life experience and knowledge of people often help solve the problem (it’s not always true that her daughter’s problem))). It’s bad if a daughter’s marriage is dictated only by the desire to escape from the care of her parents. At first she achieves this goal, but when a child is born, the daughter becomes even more dependent on her parents: as a rule, a young family is not able to provide for itself at first, and someone needs to look after the child. Error No. 6. Give your grandchildren to me. When I will be a grandmother - In about ten years - A whimsical, amusing person, - A whirlwind from head to toe!...... When I will be a grandmother - A gray-haired hag with a pipe! -And the granddaughter, sneaking up at midnight, Whispers, flinging her skirts: “Who, tell me, grandmother, should I take from the seven?” -I will overturn the bench, I will spin like a whirlwind. Mother: “No shame, no conscience! And the coffin will go dancing!” And I: “To your health! You know, I’ve taken after my grandmother!”... (M. Tsvetaeva ) In his youth, Tsvetaeva’s lines seem so mischievous, but what then? Then life... When children appear, in many families a rapprochement between mother and daughter begins, since the daughter, having gone through the same tests as her mother, begins to look at the world differently. Attitude to the appearance of grandchildren and her new status (grandmother) is the result of previous expectations or fears. “This event can be perceived by them with cruelty, with tenderness or with humor, depending on their previous attitude towards the approaching birth and their reaction to their daughter’s announcement of her pregnancy. It is worth noting that the task itself - becoming a grandmother - is not an easy one. The mother of an adult the daughter may, to one degree or another, desire this, accept or experience certain fears in this regard for completely justified or not very plausible reasons, but this situation is never her own choice... The difficulty also lies in the fact that the grandmother has to go through together with her daughter, what she once experienced with her own mother when she gave birth to her daughter. Now she must become the mother of a mother who at the same time remains her daughter and who previously obeyed her, or even, perhaps, still obeys. and besides, to recognize a child who is at the same time one’s own and close, since it is the child of her daughter, and at the same time distant and alien, since it is not her child” (Elyacheff K., Einish N. “Mothers and Daughters. The third odd one?"). Rapprochement is most often hampered by different points of view on raising children. "Transferring her life experience to her daughter, especially when her first child is born, is a serious test and largely depends on the ability of the future grandmother to share her knowledge and skills, still unknown to the young mother, as well as on the daughter’s ability to perceive mother’s lessons or the ability to renounce them if the daughter feels the need for it. Even if a woman at least partially does not accept the experience of her mother or grandmother, her reaction will not be long in coming: at the very least, she will need to confirm this gap and refusal to use their experience in the future" (Elyacheff K., Einish N. "Daughters- mothers. Third wheel?"). Many grandmothersThey consider their daughters a priori bad mothers (if only because they are “bad” daughters) and literally exclude them from upbringing. Thus, they sublimate their unrealized maternal feelings. Then a situation arises when, on the one hand, the daughter is certainly grateful for the help, but on the other hand, she wants to raise the child in her own way, therefore she is internally tense, ready to reject any advice and recommendations of the mother, even the most reasonable ones, especially since they are sometimes accompanied by teachings like: “You failed with me, there won’t be a second mistake.” In order to maintain a good relationship, both have to constantly restrain themselves, strain to find a common language. All this is similar to riding a bicycle: the pedals go up and down, but are still inextricably linked. It is necessary to understand that parents must raise children. Grandmothers are needed only for help and love. If alienation grows and there is an opportunity to separate for a short period and live separately, then it is worth using it. Then each of the parties quite quickly begins to appreciate the advantages of living together - the daughter understands that a grandmother is necessary for the normal upbringing of a child, the mother misses her grandchildren. If you had to break up, then this is more of a loss than a gain, since in the end aggression remains and arises alienation. Sooner or later, the daughter must understand that it is necessary for both herself and her children to establish relationships with her mother. After all, for a child, communication with older relatives is useful and almost always brings a lot of positive emotions. In addition, imperceptible but very important work is done in the child’s mind: the child learns to understand that there are different points of view in the world, learns how to find a compromise solution. If a child communicates only with his mother, it will then be difficult for him to adapt to society. He gets used to one single point of view, and when his ideas suddenly break, it is experienced as a tragedy. For the normal formation of a child, especially a girl, a good relationship between mother and grandmother is very important. If the mother was constantly in conflict with her grandmother, then the daughter will build her relationship with her mother according to the same pattern, and the situation will repeat itself in ten to fifteen years. Many of the causes of family tragedies lie in the conflict between mother and grandmother. "In a kind of circular movement, starting from birth, the interaction between mother and daughter unfolds as a renewal and re-formation of the relationship that already took place between two women. And often many conflicts between mother and daughter are transmitted from generation to generation"…(Elyacheff K., Einish N. "Daughters and mothers. The third wheel?"). In the very center of the dead city, I stopped to tie the laces on my shoes... These are not my shoes, But my mother’s shoes: They were taken care of like a family heirloom jewel, And hidden like shameful letters. (Anne Sexton) “Every woman reaches back into her mother and forward into her daughter... her life extends over generations, which brings with it a sense of immortality.” DAUGHTER MISTAKES Mistake No. 1. I know life better than you. Perhaps in some ways a daughter may be smarter and more experienced than her mother. But don’t forget Who raised you. We must pay tribute to our mother, and not raze her opinion to the ground. It's definitely worth listening to your mom's advice. She has experience behind her. Respect for your mother’s words is the key to a tender and kind relationship. There is no need to be violently indignant about the comments and show in every possible way that you absolutely do not need your mother’s opinion and experience, that this is “trash” whose place is in the trash. Error No. 2. Leave me alone already. When a daughter becomes independent, starts a family, children, then she sometimes does not have enough time for her mother. We must try not to expose our mother to the circle of our lives. See her regularly, call (it’s trivial, but I needed a public service announcement: “Call your parents!” to remind many), go to visit, go to the theater, cinema, store. You may not always want to do this, but think about the fact that your children will also someday leave you alone and not visit you. Thisvery hard. Your mother spent a lot of time on you. Give her credit. Mistake #3. Your whole life is a complete misunderstanding. An adult daughter looks at her mother’s life with her own eyes and always notices mistakes. Sometimes this turns into a total criticism of my mother’s life. In such a situation, it is better to keep your opinion to yourself, and if something worries you about your mother’s lifestyle, then, of course, you can hint to her about it, although extremely carefully and not offensively. Error No. 4. You must help me! Another monstrous misconception of daughters is that the mother’s personal life ends with the advent of grandchildren. What could she possibly want from life other than sitting on the rocks? The adult daughter believes that her mother can be constantly used as a lifesaver in all life’s ups and downs. A mother must raise her grandchildren, help with the housework, and forget about her personal life. But your mother has already raised you, she has the right to rest. Don’t forget about this and don’t be outraged if your mother refuses to babysit her grandchildren or is going on vacation. She deserved it. Over time, distance inevitably occurs between mother and daughter. It is important to understand that this is not a break, but a transition to a new quality, when mother and daughter should become equal to each other, should move to warm and friendly relations. It is very important for a daughter to try to become independent and not so dependent on her mother’s opinion, while at the same time not leaving her mother. And the mother must accept her daughter in the guise of an adult woman, agree with her right to a private life, respect the opinion of her grown-up child. However, it is difficult for a mother to realize that her daughter has grown up; the feeling of love between them is often tested at this stage. After all, one day “my mirror of light” begins to contradict him, in which the mother’s withering is reflected in inverse proportion to the daughter’s blossoming (which is perfectly demonstrated by many fairy tales and films, in particular the last two versions of “Snow White”). And, if a woman is not yet ready to give up the royal crown of youth in favor of an heiress, the negative aspect of the mother is activated in her unconscious, taking over her entire personality. - “I don’t want to give the girls - well done.” - “You’ve had your fill, - It’s time to know shame!” - “Will you be satisfied with this little thing?”... (M. Tsvetaeva) The mother, of course, tries to realize that she is a Phoenix bird: let me burn, but in my daughter I will rise from the ashes... But, alas, the envious stepmother in her often takes over. Then the mother is trying to deceive time, keeping her daughter in the “womb” of her care, making her helpless and infantile, just as previously young ladies tried to show their teenage daughters out longer in short – children’s – dresses (after all, it is unforgivable for a young woman to have an adult daughter!). Or the mother is trying to avert people’s eyes, to divert the attention of men, turning Cinderella into a wild, “ungrateful” dirty little thing. And a mother-witch can “drink the blood” of her daughter, interfering with “maternal advice” in her relationship with young people, etc. Such a conflict between mother and daughter can be completely avoided if a person is able to put himself in the place of another, understand and accept him position. It’s good if both sides try to achieve this - both mother and daughter. In this case, mutual understanding is highly likely to occur. The main thing is to respect the personality of the other. If the mother treats the child as an independent person, the relationship will be more harmonious. This is usually achieved by those mothers who do not “devote their entire lives” to their children, but successfully self-actualize in something else. Then the mother perceives herself as a completely successful, happy woman. She has something to talk about with her adult daughter. And this relationship brings them even more pleasure than during the parenting stage."Learn to understand mothersAs adults, daughters often make claims to their mother and shift responsibility for their own shortcomings onto her. Therapy can help recognize their own contribution to these problems and untangle many of the complications between mother and mother. daughter. If, over the course of therapy, a woman develops understanding (empathy) of the fate of her own mother, then she gainsa certain respect for the continuity of women's experiences. The desire and fear to merge with the mother, to be like her, are inextricably linked with the desire to be different from the mother. If this difficult balance is felt and integrated, then a woman can and will become both different and similar. Try to understand the motives of your mother's actions. It is important for you to find out how external circumstances affected her life. A mother who is overly concerned about her daughter as she enters puberty and tightly controls her may have been sexually abused at that age. She is simply trying to protect her daughter from the suffering she herself endured. Meanwhile, the daughter thinks that her mother wants to ruin her life. Find out the life story of your mother. The more you learn about your mother, the more you will see in her that you did not notice before, when you looked at her only as a mother. Try to remember what you know about her childhood. For example, ask how old your grandmother was when your mother was born. How was her life? What were the economic, political and social conditions of your family like when your mother was growing up? Notice your similarities. Ask yourself what you have in common with your mother - values, fears, political views, types of friends, religious beliefs, favorite foods, sources of joy and sadness, mannerisms, gestures, facial features, figure, sense of style, etc. Ask your mother about the details of your birth and first years of life. How was your pregnancy? How was the birth? How did she feel the first moment she saw you? What did she like about you when you were a child? What was she afraid of? What was the hardest thing for her when she was babysitting you? Did she consider herself a bad or inept mother?" "Let her know that you understand how difficult it is to be a mother, and would like to know how it all happened for her - from her point of view. Think about the responsibility that lay on your shoulders your mother. Mothers usually bear a heavy burden of responsibilities in caring for and raising children. Not just daily duties, which are quite burdensome in themselves. Mothers feel responsible for the psychological health of their children. They are often the first to be blamed if their children do not do well. Don't assume that your mother was invulnerable or omnipotent. The more you learn about the difficulties your mother experienced while raising you, the more forgiving you can be towards her. In other words, consider how the challenges she faced may have influenced her attitude toward your parenting. Do you remember those days when she was too tired to play with you, or overly irritable, or lacking positive emotions? Perhaps this was a particularly difficult time for her? Yes, the first mirror of a person is the face of a mother. We learn to feel and express feelings for the first time with and from her. But, if the mother herself does not receive support (if she is “killed” by life), then is it any wonder that this mirror is hung, like in the house of a dead person, and she could not teach us trust and love for the world... Put yourself on her place. No matter how different you are from your mother, try to imagine what it would have been like if you had lived the life she had. You may come to the conclusion that mom did everything that could be done in her circumstances." Summing up Accepting your mother means delving into the circumstances of her life, the features of her upbringing, her successes and failures outside the family circle - everything that makes up a person’s life. It’s not so simple - after all, for us, she is, first of all, Mom. Accepting means turning to her, seeing her in a variety of roles, and not just in her parental role. , not related to our life, we can accept some of its features, even those that do not suit us. To accept means to stop wanting her to be different. It means to accept her for who she is.There is. Refusal of idealization allows you to come to terms with reality. But this process is not always associated with reunification: sometimes it happens that a person can accept his mother only if he sees her extremely rarely or after her death, that is, when she can no longer “harm” him. But, reconcile with the mother is very important. If this is impossible (for example, she is no longer with you or she does not want to listen to you) in reality, you can write her a letter (which is not accepted to be sent). It often happens that in the process of writing it you can heal your inner pain, “forgive and let go.” Another way to restore your relationship with your mother is to use a ritual. Try to become her for a while: dress the way your mother dressed, and, imitating her usual pose and voice, become her for a while: feel what she felt (say the most characteristic phrases for her and think about their meaning and reason). Creation Positive parenting in therapy can also heal maternal trauma. Dream work allows us to identify patterns inherited from our mothers and reveals to us the content of the feminine journey that is unique to each woman. By drawing images, acting them out, making masks, singing songs, entering into dialogue with maternal images that appear in dreams and therapy, we somehow come into contact with the inner negative mother that needs to be transformed. Most of us begin to be more loyal to our parents after they themselves face life's difficulties. And then the understanding comes: “This is how my mother felt when she advised me to do this.” But this doesn't always happen. We often demand more from our mother than she can give us: more love, more protection, more intelligence... The period of accusations is often the first stage on the path to acceptance. At this time, we think, first of all, about the grievances inflicted on us. When we are offended by our mother, we conduct an internal dialogue with her, and this means that mutual understanding is possible. However, when you feel the need to tell your mother about your grievances (in real life), you should ask yourself: why do I want to do this? I hope that I will be better understood; do I want her to feel guilty or feel the same pain as me?... You need to answer yourself honestly: will this conversation improve our relationship? And then make a decision. Sometimes it’s better to throw out feelings on paper or tell a psychologist about them. But very often we just want attention and turn our reproaches to the loving side of our mother, hoping that she will hear and take pity on us. We resent her largely because we refuse to recognize her as an ordinary person. This feeling is similar to disappointment, to what we feel when we first realize that Santa Claus does not exist, that a loved one has traits that are alien to us. When we no longer strive to re-educate our mother, we grow up. “In our youth, we do a lot in order not to be like our mother, with age we understand how much like her we are. And when we can think about it without irritation or anger , but at the same time without pride, to understand that despite all the similarities, both we and she are independent individuals, this moment means that we are ready to accept it. But this becomes possible only when we act consciously, and not just try. support the artificial world. The period of accusations is followed by a stage of reappraisal, during which we recognize the good and the bad, take into account the nuances, and notice extenuating circumstances. Our memory gradually “puts things in order” in our past: it softens the painful memories, shading the brightest ones. day we feel that it has become easier for us, we feel liberated and self-confident. The pain goes away, and we think about our mother with tenderness" (E. Mikhailova). "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." List of literature used for writing. articles:1. Mikhailova E.L. “I’m alone at home,” or Vasilisa’s Spindle - M.: “Class”, 2003.2. Leonard Linda "Meeting with the Madwoman"/)