How to build a trusting dialogue with your partner so that your relationship only becomes better, stronger and closer, so that real intimacy and real trust arise between you? Below are the main 7 rules that should be followed during confidential contact. 1. You must hear your partner, and he must feel it. Sooner or later, he will begin to hear you. 2. Don't judge your loved one. 3. Be open and ready to get in touch with your vulnerability - even if you're hurt, keep your feelings to yourself, and don't punish your partner for them. Over time, the person will open up to you. 4. Don’t try to make excuses, stop trying. When you feel guilty or feel somehow not so bad, you begin to inject this into relationships and dialogue (“Now I’m suffering so much, I feel so bad...”), you thus expect your partner to respond in some way. At least you provoke him to say something (“Don’t worry! Everything is fine, everything is fine with you!”) in order to assuage his guilt. Why do you attract attention to yourself? In order not to work with guilt, not to do anything with this tension, not to translate it into a constructive channel. Keep your self-flagellation to yourself, bring it to personal therapy and work through it. Don’t expect consolation from your partner; if the fault is yours, work on yourself! 5. It is very important that there is honesty, openness, and truth between partners. A prerequisite for a relationship is to take care of each other’s feelings. If you see that your partner is already unpleasant, stop, pause in the dialogue, and discuss the situation later. 6. Let your partner know that you accept the information as it is. You can clarify what he means if something is really not clear. It is important to hear everything clearly from your partner’s lips (clarify “Do I understand you correctly?”, pronounce it in his words, and then repeat it in your own). Relatively speaking, in order to understand what exactly was meant, your two worlds must come into contact. Don’t be offended, don’t then hit your partner because he opened up, gave some information about himself, and then in a fit of anger or quarrel you return to the person everything that was said and experienced (“Well, yes, of course, your mother offended you, so you Now you’re offending me too!”). A partner can say such traumatic things only in the process of confidential communication - keep it to yourself forever, never say it to a loved one again, at least not with anger. Treat each other's feelings with care and respect. There is no need to draw a parallel between your partner’s unfair attitude towards you and his past. 7. Do not perceive the other as an enemy. He does not attack you, this person is not your enemy, he does not want to hurt, but just wants to protect something in himself, he wants not to be attacked, he cannot deal with his aggression, so he says so. Remember, your partner is not against you, does not want to hurt, offend, destroy - throw this belief out of your head forever. The more you believe that the other loves and respects you as much as you do, the more love and respect you will have in your relationship! Why is a confidential dialogue needed? For example, you approached your partner and asked him: “What do you think is wrong with our relationship? I can’t understand your mood - maybe I did something wrong?” (or - “Did I tell you something wrong yesterday? Why are you upset after our conversation?”). How does your interlocutor feel at this moment? They are interested in his opinion, he is important and needed, he is not afraid to entrust something to you, to open up, to say something deep about himself, to show the real himself. It is very important that partners treat each other with respect. If you respect yourself, your partner will respect your courageous act of starting such a dialogue - it really takes a lot of strength, resources and energy, courage and practice. With experience, it will be easier for you to start an emotional conversation, which in some places is dangerous due to the fact that you can hook something deep in your partner’s psyche. Of course, professional experience plays a big role iftalk about psychologists. If you try to build a trusting dialogue at least once a month, it will become easier over time (you establish contact only once and then you don’t need to return to this issue). Sometimes situations arise when you quarreled with your partner, raised an important topic and shared your feelings, but your partner did not understand, and you felt offended - in other words, the confidential dialogue went astray. It's OK! It may also be that when practicing confidential dialogue, something too painful will be revealed in your relationship - this means that the pain was already there, and the rupture of the abscess was just a matter of time. Try to move in small steps, as much as is bearable to your senses. If suddenly during a dialogue you feel that it is unbearable, pause it. For example, your partner’s words begin to offend you greatly, it hurts you, you are ready to castigate him for your feelings. In this case, it’s better to stop and say: “Listen, that’s it, I can’t continue our dialogue now, let’s talk tomorrow or after a while. I need to think about your words." This reaction is normal, beautiful and correct. Why do we often exclude confidential dialogues from our lives? From childhood we are taught to remain silent and restrain our feelings. Moreover, many of us have witnessed family conflicts that led nowhere (parents only argued, some even had alcohol in the family). As a result, we chose the “better to keep quiet” behavior model. There is often a fear of offending another person (you were offended, in childhood or in other relationships you did not choose your words in a conversation). Accordingly, this irritation and dissatisfaction turns into aggression, then into anger, then shoots out with affect, turns into rage - and the events that you witnessed in your families occur (once! - and the parents had a fight out of the blue). To prevent such situations from arising, to avoid violent scandals, irrational showdowns, unconstructive accusations and criticism, it is better to pause the emotion and go to another room. There will be no constructiveness in such a dialogue. If you have the strength to stop at some point (“Oh, God! What am I doing?! I’m screaming!”), it’s better to go to another room, leave the apartment, take a walk, bring yourself to your senses. When the emotions settle, then say that confidential contact should always be conducted in a calm state (in advance of the conflict or much later after it). So what to do? Practice these types of dialogues regularly! If you have never done anything like this, start discussing something emotional once a month, then you can become more frequent (once every two weeks). You can ask your partner single questions (“Listen, it seems to me that you haven’t been in a very good mood these days. What’s going on? Would you like to share? It’s important for me to understand how you are.”) If you want to talk to your partner about your relationship, you can ask him how he rates it (you can start by using a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best). If your partner’s score is below 10, ask him: “What would you like to improve in our relationship? What is missing? What actions do you want to see from me? And here it is very important to talk about actions, because we take it as a postulate that partners do not try to change each other’s personality - this is not our task! We need to adapt to each other. For example, a guy asks you to help him clean, although he knows that you don’t like to clean, but he motivates his request by saying that it will cheer him up. As a result, you are ready to invest in it. This approach does not mean at all that he wants to change you as a person, no - we are talking about behavior. And this is quite normal! Accept what your partner says about you. Maybe it won’t be very pleasant, the person won’t be able to immediately find the right words, something will hurt you. Try to approach the situation constructively - evaluate everything with a “cold mind” and try to understand what he meant. Remember the rule of constructivedialogue and do not perceive the person as an enemy. If your partner tells you that sometimes you behave selfishly, in the “correct language” it will sound like this: “My words are not that I want to offend you. I miss something from you!” Ask why you are called selfish, what could improve your relationship, what is missing, what does not suit you. Ask your partner about his mood, interests, activities at work, but do not interrogate him with partiality - it is important to show sincere interest in the person’s feelings, in his life, in his and your shared experiences. If there is no such interest, there is no need to start a conversation, the situation will only worsen, and the person will feel manipulation on your part. Learn to give feedback through the I-message. There is no need to tell your partner that he is selfish, say otherwise: “I sometimes miss attention, care, and support from you.” There is no need to accuse him of irresponsibility; say that you do not have enough help from your partner with children, paying utility bills, taking care of the house (“Let you take on these and these responsibilities!”). Instead of accusing your partner of insensitivity, address your partner with the words: “I miss your attention, your involvement in my life, sympathy, emotional involvement.” Don’t label your loved one as “you’re greedy,” try to explain why it’s important for you to receive gifts (“I miss gifts from you as a sign of attention. For me, this is an important love language!”). Choose your words in the dialogue - it’s not his fault, but you’re missing something. This is the basic principle! Another important point - having tuned in to a confidential dialogue with your man/woman, especially if you feel that you are missing something in the relationship, you need to figure out how your partner can correct the situation, what behavior will help improve your relationship, and in general - what kind of need do you have? Flowers and money are not at all related to money as such, we are talking about love. For you, love takes this form. Of course, partners may have different opinions and visions of the very concept of “love” and its manifestation, but there are couples in which, after several times of explanation, the partners understood everything (if this is not difficult to do, then why not?). Agree - this is the most important rule of any intimacy. In family psychotherapy, there is a special exercise where the couple lists all the responsibilities of each person in everyday life (the wife and husband make the lists separately, then compare and add to them). After this, the spouses indicate what they are doing now, what would be easier for someone to do, rating the task, for example, on a 10-point scale (“I take out the trash and it’s difficult for me, 10 out of 10 points” - “But I could take out the trash, but for some reason I don’t do it, my rating is 3 out of 10” - “Let’s change!”). In this way, the partners come to an agreement, hang lists with new household tasks on the refrigerator, and each has their own area of ​​responsibility in everyday life). How do merging relationships differ from true intimacy relationships? In the second case, there is always a constructive and trusting dialogue, there is everyone’s will, my and your desire, boundaries, respect, the absence of perceiving the partner as an enemy, but at the same time the absence of perceiving each other as a whole. If you have a confidential dialogue, you have every chance of sincere intimacy. If you find it difficult to independently build a confidential dialogue in a couple, try a personal consultation with a therapist. In general, it is possible to establish communication between partners in 2-3 sessions. There are also cases when it is already difficult to build a trusting dialogue, trust has been destroyed over the years, partners simply do not have it in relation to each other, personal information has often been used against each other, there is some kind of hatred, there is no respect and the feeling that you will be heard (“No, most likely he will make fun of me!”). If you still want to change the situation, take responsibility. Be prepared - at first all responsibility will be solely on you. Write a plan for yourself for every day -