AND WHOM ARE YOU SAVING? Let's consider in this article an example from a film in which a young girl, due to current circumstances, ended up in the house of a famous person - but mentally ill, an experienced alcoholic. Many years older than her. The girl warms up to him because he took care of her. All she did was shelter her, she didn’t shout at her, she just helped her once – and the girl’s sense of duty is incredible. The girl had no parents or loved ones. She grew up in an orphanage. And the girl becomes attached to him by taking care of him. She feels at least needed by someone. At the same time, the heroine falls in love with a young man, mutually. The guy sincerely loves her and wants to be with her. And this gives rise to a strong internal conflict inside the girl. Every time a girl tries to leave an alcoholic, something happens to him. He starts drinking, and she considers it her duty to save him. That is, she sacrifices her love for the guy. She is very afraid that if she leaves an alcoholic, he will become drunk and die. The girl decides to become a “crutch” for him, giving up her life. And now he puts his intolerable feelings into her, and not into alcohol. Essentially, it’s like going into a “garbage bin.” And it may seem that he has love for her. But addiction is often confused with bright feelings. Think for yourself, what is true love? In this case, it turns out that there was also “love” (addiction) for the bottle and he also experienced relief “from the meeting”, as well as unbearable, “killing” feelings when the bottle is not nearby. It turns out that most of the dependence on the bottle has shifted to dependence on the presence of a girl - warm, lively, real, sincere. But the result is that the girl is treated like a “bottle” that is being used. Who does she see in him, do you think? Who is he trying to save? This is the sacrifice of a child who is ready to give everything just to save his parent. And often this is about saving the parent from depression, from some negative feelings, the desire to make him happy. Constant concern to the detriment of one’s interests and desires. But often it is a sacrifice of one’s personal happiness. Because it is IMPOSSIBLE to save an alcoholic. And children do not save parents. It is their choice to be weak or not to be weak. To drink or not to drink. No “crutch” will help. And in the end the man dies from a second heart attack. When he sees a guy kissing a girl. Before that, there was a heart attack when she left without telling him anything. And of course, the girl concludes that everything is because of her. That's how trauma works. She convinces and leaves in dependent relationships in which there is no happiness. Trauma fills you with a sense of guilt, the illusion of omnipotence, and forces you to deny reality (how will years of drinking alcohol affect your health? Plus old age). And the girl again pushes the young man away - saying that it was because of them that he died. This is the “trauma of intimacy.” In her inner world, the girl seemed to have experienced the loss of her parents again. At the same time, the child has an unconscious fantasy that his parents abandoned him because he is bad. And this fantasy gives rise to a huge feeling of guilt, which extends to all aspects of life and prevents you from becoming happy. These feelings create a scenario that a person lives over and over again in a relationship. And this is the scenario of close relationships in the girl’s psyche. This example shows how much stronger feelings are than reason. How an unconscious fantasy of one’s guilt makes one give up one’s happiness and love. That is, a girl punishes herself for being abandoned by her parents - by refusing to live with her loved one. As if she has to pay for this all her life. What would you do? This is a good question for self-diagnosis: how strong a rescuer is in you. And how much happiness will you allow yourself if your loved one chose to destroy his life. These are deep, unconscious choices It’s worth making them conscious. So that you can change them. If you want. I’ll say right away that this is a long way. And not simple. Guilt and fantasies of omnipotence are sometimes rooted in the foundation of personality. And psychotherapy is the path to renewal]