You are reading an article from a series of abstract articles. In my opinion, there are a number of books that are effective for self-help. They are generally understandable to a reader who is far from psychology. And yet, to start reading them, you need to make up your mind. Making a conscious choice not to read is also quite an option. But how to choose without opening the book? I decided that in this case it would be useful to get acquainted with the summary and main ideas of the book. And then everyone will decide for themselves. (My opinion or reasoning is indicated in parentheses with reference to E.Yu.) What are we reading today? Janet J. Voititz Adult children of alcoholics: Family Work Relationships. Start in articles: Adult children of alcoholics 1-25 Second part: In intimacy - the struggle for close relationships. Chapter 6 Who do you choose as your partner? Adult children of alcoholics think something like this: There is something wrong with my relationship, it’s my fault. I'm trying to fix the situation, but I can't. And that's how they think in each of their relationships. The situation changes, but thoughts and feelings - embarrassment, hopelessness and helplessness - are still the same. To understand the source of the problems, you need to remember the messages that your parents broadcast to you as a child. I love you, but now - leave me alone. Parents said that they love you, but could either accept or reject - inconsistently, depending on their condition and mood. Since childhood, love for you is sometimes rejected, sometimes accepted. Stable relationships do not suit you; they are unusual and incomprehensible. You cannot do anything normally. I need you. Essentially, your parents were not adults and could not do without you, they depended on you. And at the same time, being perfectionists, they criticized you - it was impossible to meet their requirements. And in adult relationships, you most likely become attached to those people who are dependent and categorical. And just like in childhood, you feel worthless and in demand at the same time. Yes, what dad did was really terrible, but he was not responsible for himself, he was drunk. And now you always find an excuse for the unforgivable behavior of your loved ones. You are not angry with them, you feel guilty for any reason, you are now responsible for everything. I'll do it next time, I promise. The message is, forget about it. And you, out of habit, give up your desires in favor of the interests of your partner. Nothing bad happens. How can I deal with this? You're used to hearing this. And carefree: no big deal and a sign of helplessness. And you are ready to help the “helpless”, without thinking about your own interests. You have been raised to be an excellent service unit. Most often, this leads to the fact that in a relationship you only give, and they only take from you. If all this is familiar to you and you can’t handle it on your own, call 8-921-919-85-59, I work in person and online