Most parents have no doubt that they love their child and do everything for him to make him grow up happy. And at the same time, problems, problems or problems in relationships with him (or with him later) arise and arise. Today I would like to touch a little on such a problem in the relationship between parents and children as the unconscious involvement of the child in solving problems between husband and wife. This is when a child is forced to fulfill a strictly assigned role in the family in order to maintain the relationship between the parents. Of course, no one hangs a sign around a child's neck with instructions on what he should do (or not do). These processes are unconscious and invisible at first glance. But this is only for the first time... Involving a child in their relationship occurs in those families where the husband and wife are afraid and do not know how to clarify their relationship with each other directly. The husband came in heavily drunk and had a fight with his wife because of this. He is in the same room, his upset wife is preparing dinner. The atmosphere in the house is tense. And this happens very often in this family. And one joy is that my son is growing up. Always in such situations, he will run up to his mother - either he will make a face, or he will portray an unprecedented animal, or he will laugh and tell an anecdote with a grimace... You look - and mom smiled. He strokes my head: “Only you love me.” He approached his father and also started fooling around. I moved the folder. The same smile flashed: “It’s only because of you, son, that I’m suffering with your mother.” This child has been secretly assigned the role of clown in his family. Someone who relieves tension in two adults - his parents. And this clown mask takes root and becomes the child’s second skin. And in any difficult situations in his life in the future, he habitually turns on a kind of merry clown. And he tries to turn any war into peace. What's wrong with this for the boy? The fact that, just like in his parental family, this grown-up person will not be able to hear his experiences at the time of someone’s conflict, nor differentiate between where my responsibility is and where it is not, nor express his real attitude and true feelings. Saving his family became a priority for him. His experiences were not of interest to his parents then. Because of their problems, because they didn’t know how to do it themselves. All that was needed from my son was a Role. The son has grown up. And Role is with him forever. And with him is the same pain, fear, humiliation from childhood. And tension that must be hidden at any cost. Or, sometimes, a difficult relationship between husband and wife. Only one or the other is going to file for divorce, and what a coincidence - a temperature with strange symptoms in the child. Parents are ready to do a lot for the sake of their child. They forgot about their conflicts, went to hospitals together, discussed tests and doctors. The child was cured. And the family lives on until the next “That’s it, I’m divorcing you.” And history repeats itself. Children will unconsciously take upon themselves what adults, their parents, cannot do for themselves. A family for a child, his mother and father, is the whole world for a growing person. And if he feels a threat to this world, then he will sacrifice his health and will remain silent for years about how difficult and unbearable the conflicts of his parents are for him. Just to save this world. The task of parents is to protect their children from their conflicts. Do not look to them for help, relief and support. Do not express resentment towards your partner. If it seems to you that the child is like a buffer between you, like a lifeline in your family, then you don’t think so. It is important that your child hears from you that your relationship with his father is your relationship. And that he had nothing to do with it. You have always been and will be his parents. You are adults and will deal with your own feelings and relationships. And he can live his childhood life. You can definitely do it. Without him.