In our and Western culture, such an understanding of love is accepted, in which a strong dependence on another person is considered normal - “I can’t live without him,” “We are sent to each other by fate,” “She will be mine forever.” come what may." Films, books, music teach us to love like this - selflessly, selflessly... and in many ways neurotically. Forgetting about yourself, making the Other the center of your life. Moreover, this love can develop not only in partnerships, but also in parent-child relationships. Erich Fromm, an outstanding German thinker, philosopher, sociologist and psychoanalyst, in his work “The Art of Loving” identifies 5 types of “unhealthy” attachment, pseudo-love. These include: Love-worship. “I will always be lower than you, I am not worthy, but maybe you will condescend to me.” At the same time, the beloved loses himself in the beloved, is in constant despair and waiting for self-love and acceptance. At the heart of this is the imaginary impossibility of realizing one’s creative potential, of being what one’s partner sees. Neurotic love. “You’re like my mom (dad).” Partners are afraid and expect from each other the attitude to which they are accustomed in their parents’ family, they “play out scenarios” of the past, without seeing the real person next to them at all. Sentimental love. “How wonderful it would be!” Unsafe but real relationships with their various difficult variations and feelings are replaced by imagination and fantasies. For example, falling in love with inaccessible book characters, movie heroes, celebrities. Or another option - endless memories of previous relationships, their idealization, future love with someone who has not been with me for a long time. Love-persecution (love-sacrifice). “I can only be good when you are bad.” Such love is centered on the partner’s shortcomings and weaknesses, which are constantly exposed, exposed and “treated.” At the same time, the person himself refuses to look at himself, does not face his complex feelings, he is completely immersed in his problematic partner. From such people you can hear: “I carry my cross,” “I can change it,” “She can’t live without me.” Love is meaning. "You are my meaning." It is based on using another person for your own purposes. When someone is not ready to take risks and be fulfilled in their life, they may feel that their partner should make their own dreams come true. This is often done by parents who burden their children with their own dreams, forcing them manipulatively not to live their own lives, supporting with infantilism the meaning of the parent’s life. Fromm in his work identified 4 components of healthy love: care, responsibility, respect and knowledge. If everything is more or less clear with care (although it is important to note that care is knowing what another needs, this is how it differs from control), then responsibility can be explained as: “I am aware of my contribution to what we are building together, I am ready respond to what changes in the relationship”, respect as – “I respect your right to uniqueness, I choose you now for who you are and consider you important”, knowledge as – “I am ready to get to know you and your values ​​again and again, accepting your limitations, taking them into account and supporting you in what is difficult for you.” The path to healthy love can be a very long one. Because to be in live contact with a person, to accept and be accepted, in a relationship in which everything is really constantly changing, to be open and honest, to answer and face what is shameful, frightening or plunging into despair is very difficult. It is much easier to choose neurotic love, but it has little to do with reality, and unfortunately, it is difficult to get out of it, to change your mechanisms for choosing a partner and relationships with him. But everything is possible; with the support of a competent specialist, you can change the methods of contact even in an existing couple.