I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, enjoy them and dominate them. Oscar WildeA person's emotional life is often hidden from the eyes of others. Those around us may not even know about our true experiences, because we skillfully keep a mask. But internal bad weather can cause a lot of emotional pain. It's annoying that we are thrown out of balance by things that we think should not lead to emotional outbursts. But that is not all. Thunder and lightning can strike others, sometimes completely undeservedly. And we take actions in the heat of emotion that we later regret. Emotional Balance There are two superpowers that can significantly improve our emotional lives. Having the ability to choose what exactly “turns us on.” Having the ability to choose how to act in the heat of emotion, while how nature has not given us any tools. Is it possible to learn to regulate your emotions and manage your emotional life? My answer is that everyone can do it, but don't expect it to be an easy ride. Let's start with the first superpower. There are two steps we need to take here. Know your triggers The first step is to know when we get triggered. Over an extended period, such as one month, watch for situations that “light the match.” Make regular notes about these situations in your “emotion journal.” Our goal is to find out what is stored in the emotional alert database. At the end of the exploration period, identify the main themes that constantly push your buttons. After this, you will “recognize” your emotional triggers. If you are faced with a “difficult” situation (such as a meeting), consider whether any of your hot triggers are present. If so, what can we do? Get yourself in good shape to face your triggers with absolute readiness. Calm your mind, meditate, get a good night's sleep the night before. Use the pause between trigger and reaction. Step two is to be able to choose how to act in the heat of emotion. And this step is much more difficult. It consists of widening the gap between impulse and action. An emotional episode begins with an automatic assessment of the situation. The assessment mechanism constantly scans your space for triggers from the emotional database formed over your previous life experiences. This happens unusually quickly and is not always accurate. Our emotions are quick and illiterate. If a similar situation is found in the database, then the trigger gives an impulse to the emotion. Simultaneously with the onset of an emotion, its signals appear - your facial expressions, posture, voice and words that you choose change, physiological changes occur. Memories associated with this emotion flash back, even those that are difficult to access in another state. Perception changes and your expectations are formed. We do not choose these changes and cannot avoid them. But there is time for impulse to turn into action. And we can lengthen this period. And then you can notice the emergence of an impulse before you begin to act reactively. It is not easy. But with time and experience this skill develops. “Catch” your reaction Let's move on to the second superpower - the ability to choose how to act in the heat of emotion. How to recognize the fact that you are acting emotionally? There are two beacons that will tell you about this. The first is to pay close attention to the emotions of your interlocutor. They reflect your own emotional state. You don't see your face, but the one opposite, he does. You may ask yourself, what am I doing, what is it about my behavior that causes these emotions in him? The second source of your knowledge is changes in your body. In your muscles, breathing, etc. The problem is that we do not pay attention to internal sensations and do not use them as signals warning us to be attentive to our emotional states. We need to examine how our bodies express our emotions. The most effective tool for.