I looked into his eyes. If you asked me what color they were, the first thing that came to mind was that it was the color of the magnet. They are dark and attractive. Incredibly attractive. Looking at them, I felt enormous strength within myself and a strange desire to be needed by him. He spoke a lot and sadly about his well-being and success in life, or rather about their external attributes, but still more about the fact that something was missing: there was no completeness of attitude, color, taste, joy, love and general satisfaction with life. And he didn’t find any visible reason for this, or rather, he doesn’t see it. I read a lot, to no avail. That’s why he’s sitting opposite me now and says that he believes that I know this reason for sure... Do I know? Rather, I feel with my skin, with every cell, until my gums itch, this unbearable feeling of pain from loneliness and abandonment, imprinted with longing in his magnetic gaze. My question bursts out on its own, like a mountain river from its source: “Did anyone in my parents’ family drink?” His stunned answer: “So both of them, binge drinking...” - creates a cold silence around and his magnetic gaze hides from me under the rug, absolutely uncomfortable memories... When a child grows up in a family of alcoholics, this leaves a strong imprint on his life. No. This fact is not a label or a sentence! Suddenly, a moment comes in life and it becomes extremely important to realize one’s own characteristics, which have become stable characteristics due to a long stay in unfavorable conditions in which the perception of oneself and the world has become distorted. One day, having looked the truth in the eyes and seen yourself in a distorting mirror, you begin to understand that in order to change the perception of life you will have to face reality. We are literally doomed to look at these characteristics with a sense of compassion, and understanding, and the belief that they can be changed. What torments him most? He, as is typical for adult children of alcoholics, tries in vain to guess what the norm is, how it would be correct to react in a given situation, how he “should” behave. All life in a family of drinking parents was like chaos, and it was this chaos that became his everyday routine. Unlike children from functional families, he did not have a system of measurement and guidelines for what is appropriate to say and feel, how differently one can behave in similar situations. There was no indirect, daily training from the example of parents on how to constructively adapt to various life situations. It was difficult for him to accept that “normality” is a myth, it does not exist in reality. There is no recipe - what is right and what is not, for all occasions. That the reaction can be chosen and it depends on the situation. In a family of alcoholics, the main strategy for resolving difficulties is avoidance. He learned it best, but it no longer works... He talks a lot about how extremely difficult it is for him to start any new business and bring it to the end, how much mental strength goes into fighting his own “laziness” and “mediocrity.” Although this is primarily due to the lack of experience, clear example and support in how to set realistic goals and objectives, and then solve them step by step and complete what has been started. And not with a lack of motivation, ability and talent, he just has plenty of them. He gradually discovered that he rarely told the truth, even to the people he loved most, and this often became the cause of misunderstanding and protest on their part. Lying has become a habit, because once in childhood it helped to survive in a tense environment and there was simply no other way. Now, he realized that this way of interacting with people has a lot of disadvantages, but unfortunately it has become habitual. The first step in overcoming any bad habit is its awareness. If before you lied without even noticing it, now you can stop yourself and think: “why am I lying now?” Perhaps this is a child's way of protecting himself? Save me from unpleasant questions and worries? It may be that telling a lie is more than justhabit and then it is important to work through this problem at a deeper level. In any case, it is important to remember that this can be changed if desired. And it is natural that he experiences difficulties in building close relationships. After all, in his family it was impossible to gain experience and knowledge of what healthy close relationships are. Adult children of alcoholics experience fear of intimacy, fear of letting someone into their lives. Since they are very sensitive to rejection and can react to the slightest distance from their partner with affect, they simply prefer not to approach. He passionately and quickly described how unbearable it was for him, from quiet horror to wild rage, when something got out of his control. Indeed, even minor changes in plans on the part of other people can lead to inappropriate reactions on the part of adult children of alcoholics. This is due to the pain of childhood experience when the child's boundaries were often and unceremoniously violated. Now, even when there is no threat, a person unconsciously defends himself even from imaginary interference. The ACA will have to learn to re-understand itself and the roots of what is happening, learn to separate the contexts of a particular situation and consciously choose a way to respond. Every time I look at him, I feel a huge wave of warmth and respect. Despite the disappointing forecasts from teachers and “more successful surroundings,” he did a lot for himself. He graduated from college, built a business, and not even alone... but when I admire his talent to “make himself” from a low start, he gets very embarrassed and says that he was just lucky, he got into the mainstream... At the same time, he blushed treacherously and barely audible saying: “I swore that I would prove to them all that I was also worth something in this life.” Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and confirmation of their own worth, but when they receive it, they do not believe it. This need is difficult to satisfy, since the problem is trusting other people and their statements. It is difficult to learn to trust if in childhood you constantly saw contradictions in the statements and actions of adults. They said one thing, but did another. The child felt confused and gradually simply stopped believing any of their words. He admitted that he had been living for a long time with the feeling of being different from everyone else, since there was no realistic vision of another person. But the main thing that he realized is that most of his internal problems are related to how he perceives himself... The main task of adult children of alcoholics is to realize - what am I really like? In the meantime, he continues to mercilessly condemn himself... Because it is difficult for him to separate himself from his behavior. He needs to understand that he and his behavior are not the same thing. That in life we ​​do many different things, make mistakes and often hurt the feelings of other people. And this is a natural process, but... For some reason, he needs to attribute to his personality the results of situational behavior. Label yourself and live up to them. If you’re late, you’re not obliging, you don’t lend money - you’re greedy, you don’t laugh at a stupid joke - you’re gloomy, and the like. Yes, he takes himself too seriously, it is still difficult for him to separate himself from his activities, primarily from work and job responsibilities. The work is important and taking it seriously is important, but he tends to equate himself with it. He will have to find other areas of life where he can feel like an interesting person. He discovered that holidays and weekends are torture - he doesn’t know how to have fun... Our Inner Child is responsible for the ability to have fun. He knows what joy and play are. In a family where parents drank, the children had to grow up early in order to take care of them. They simply had no time to indulge in carefree pastime and play, like ordinary children. They had to suppress the child in themselves, and now they need to rediscover and develop it. The habitual sense of isolation that adult children of alcoholics endured throughout their childhood makes it difficult to establish relationships with other people. To overcome it completely