“... look together in the same direction" Loving does not mean looking at each other, loving means looking together in the same direction.A. de Saint-Exupéry I will not describe “How Love Works”; we will assume that the young people have gone through all the necessary stages for a potentially happy marriage. And here it is Mendelssohn's March! So, what is next? After all, in life, as in a fairy tale, miracles will not happen with the wave of a magic wand. We need to do something ourselves. After all, building your happiness is continuous, daily work of laying small bricks into the foundation of life. But fairy tales, unfortunately, say nothing about how to make your family life happy. Basically, all fairy tales, which, as they say, are about love and wedding, end like this - “And they lived happily ever after...”, or that they “Lived and lived well and made good money.” Even the “great artist of human souls” L.N. Tolstoy only said that all happy marriages are equally happy, and unhappy ones are unhappy in their own way. How to calculate the formula for harmonious relationships in a partnership, or at least lift the veil over this secret? How to make relationships in a couple become the “Highest Time” of life? Having read a lot of specialized literature on this topic, combining the experience of practical seminars, I will try for you in this article to systematize the knowledge I have acquired and describe a certain algorithm for building harmony in marriage. In addition, I will offer you several exercises for self-diagnosis. So... The key to the world of happiness, naturally, can be the formula discovered by Gestalt psychology: “Live here and now.” Yes, yes, right here and now, trying to enjoy every moment of the life given to us. In addition, it is necessary to follow certain rules that are prerequisites for a happy partnership. Here they are: 1. Refusal of the opposite sex in oneself. For a couple relationship between a man and a woman to deliver what it promises, the man must be a “man” and remain a “man,” and the woman must be a “woman” and remain a “woman.” If a man develops the feminine principle in himself, then he no longer needs a woman; accordingly, if a woman develops the masculine principle in herself, then she does not need a man either. In other words, it can be defined this way: if a person, while realizing himself, absorbs into himself what belongs to the opposite sex, then, as a rule, he dooms himself to a single life and loneliness. Therefore, many men and women who develop qualities of the other sex live alone, but at the same time, fortunately, they can be completely self-sufficient. 2. Renewal of the “masculine” (“feminine”) in oneself. When we get married, “uniting with our partner into a single whole,” then we seem to lose our energy (feminine/masculine). This energy must be constantly replenished. Therefore, dear ladies, when your men gather in a group of men to go to the bathhouse, go fishing, or play Poker or Billiards, then you shouldn’t hold them back. There they will be “filled” with masculine energy, which, provided you are filled with feminine energy (in a purely female company), will only lead to even greater attraction to each other. 3. Recognition of the equal value of partners, refusal of leadership. In a couple relationship, the man and woman are equal. Both partners are equally good and bad in what they have and in what they lack. If one of the couple begins to think that he is better, then there is a threat of a break in the relationship. The partnership is also under threat when one of the partners, remembering the rights that parents have in relation to their children, behaves as if he has the right to “further educate” his “half.” And since the other partner already had all this once - in childhood, this is the surest path to separation. It is not surprising that in this case, the “educated” person, like a child, evades the pressure of the “educator” and seeks relief and compensation outside the partnership. An important role for maintaining equality in partnershipplay the boundaries of the intimate-personal space of partners. When they are met, each spouse feels self-sufficient, moderately independent and confident in the future. It is not without reason that the metaphor of a happy marriage is the intertwining of two rings, where the common sector is small. If these boundaries are violated, then a certain symbiosis occurs. And then one spouse, whose intimate personal space is captured by the other, unconsciously begins to avoid his partner. You probably know people who are in no hurry to go home from work and start looking for something, some activity, just to linger. But one of the formulas for happiness is the feeling when you want to go to work in the morning and home in the evening! And one more thing: in families where absolute power belongs to the woman, we can observe the “disease” of men. No wonder the Russian proverb says: “Where the wife rules, the husband wanders around the neighbors.” With her absolute dominance in a relationship, a woman unconsciously deprives her husband of “manhood.” So what can he do? He will either go where he will be seen as a man and respected, or he will numb his “humiliation” with alcohol, drugs, etc. Thus, equality in partnerships is a type of relationship between people that does not allow the dominance of one person over another or the unquestioning submission of one to another. In love, both parties are equal and each, without losing anything, only gains. 4. Balance between “give” and “take”. “Happiness is a turnover of giving and taking” (Diana Dexler). If we are in a constant exchange between “giving” and “taking”, then a connection arises. The strength of the bond depends on the energy in this exchange. More sharing means more happiness. Remember how in childhood - when you accidentally step on a friend’s foot, you say: “Step on me too, otherwise we’ll quarrel” - the balance is maintained - the friendship continues. But this is a simple example. In a family, in relationships, “balances work” both at the behavioral level and at the emotional and spiritual level. Everything is much more complicated. For example, a wife says to her husband: “I want you to love me more.” But in this case, the man cannot know how and when he fulfilled this desire for his beloved. If she says specifically, for example: “Walk with me for half an hour,” the other person will know exactly at what moment the desire was fulfilled. It is important to be specific about this. Otherwise, the other person finds himself under pressure from what he cannot fulfill. And then he doesn’t “give” anything at all, because it’s too “much” for him. A specific description of what you want is important for both. But in couple relationships, there is often an imbalance that leads to a breakup. If it is returned in equivalent or in a smaller volume, then the connection breaks down and the relationship ends. For example, a couple comes for counseling. The wife says: “My husband is a pig, he has a child on his side, and the relationship continues there. As it turns out, the wife worked and paid for her husband’s studies at the institute. You may also think: “of course, he’s a pig,” but... as it turns out, the husband repeatedly asked what he could do, how he could deal with this, how he could fill “his gap,” to which the wife answered: “nothing.” I have to, I’m your wife.” And so it went on. In therapy he said he had to leave. And in fact, in such a situation he did not have a single chance. In these relationships, the “mother syndrome” is clearly visible - “Only give.” This position is harmful to the relationship and serves as an impulse for a break, because the one who only “gives” but does not “take” develops a sense of power, and the other feels guilty and a debtor. In addition, the man needs a “woman”, not a “mother”, which, in the end, this man found - If one of the partners “refuses to take” (this model is typical mainly for men. ), then he becomes emotionally unavailable to his family and lives, as they say, in full intensity, because the one who does not “take” anything does not owe anyone anything - If one partner “gives” more, and the other.cannot return the same amount, then the giving partner begins to give it to others: children, parents, work, lovers, hobbies, etc. And, conversely, if the partner “doesn’t have enough,” then he begins to look for it on the side - in work, hobbies , love affairs. But there is balance in the negative. Then a collision develops and a rule is necessary here: having received evil, you need to give it back a little. 5. “A woman follows a man, and a man serves a woman” (B. Hellinger). Everything is simple here: this means that the wife follows her husband to his family, to his area, to his circle, to his language, to his culture. And she agrees that their children should follow them there. The man is a captain. The woman is a boatswain. Together they steer their ship to happiness. A striking example of non-compliance with this rule can be found in military families, in which it sometimes happens that wives do not follow their husbands to a new duty station. And then, in the new garrison, such “lonely” men have “combat” girlfriends who can, over time, take their rightful place as a spouse. 6. Enter into a relationship with your parents at the level “Adult parents” - “Adult child” - the priority of solving problems that have arisen in your family before solving problems that have arisen in the parental family. 7. Own family space. This also seems to be very simple. And it is expressed in the fact that each family must live separately from parents and other family members, thereby creating its own separate system. But how possible this is in our conditions is a big question... 8. Personal space. Each family member should have their own space, even if it is not a separate room, but at least an armchair, chair or some corner in the apartment. But “this” will belong only to you, and no one has the right to invade there without your permission. I suggest you do the following exercise to determine “your space and the space of your partner”: Draw a target plan of your apartment (house). Shade the space that you consider personally yours. Shade the space that you would give to your partner. Compare it with your partner’s drawing and discuss the resulting picture with him. 9. Time to be alone. Each spouse needs time when attention is turned to themselves to maintain an “intimate framework.” 10. Time to be alone. How much time do you spend with each other without TV, the Internet and even without children? Love must be given a chance. And this can be negotiated... Just negotiated, not talked about. It is important to find islands in this flow of life... 11. Renewal (fulfillment) of love (sexual relationships). A family is a unique group: here sex and work seem to be 51/49, or at least that’s how it should be. In addition, sexuality takes precedence over parenthood. If in any family the parents give priority to their parenthood over their existence as a couple, then the order is disrupted and then problems arise. You yourself probably know many examples from life when, for example, a young mother “immerses herself completely” in her newborn or even quite grown-up child, neglecting her marital responsibilities. And then the man leaves to look for what he lacks in this relationship on the side. In this case, the solution is for the partnership relationship to again take precedence over the parent relationship. When this happens, it becomes immediately visible: children “sigh” with relief when they perceive their parents as a couple. Then everyone immediately feels better. Unfortunately, in many families sex gradually loses its controlling interest. And for there to be good sex between lovers and spouses, great love and mutual respect are extremely few. It is also necessary that they: - do not create illusions that their current sex is the most optimal; - think every day specifically about sex and how to improve it; - try to compare the sex that takes place in their relationship with that sex , which they hear about from their friends and see from!