From the author: Will what you think come true? I want to talk about a story when, experiencing and comprehending the relationship between mom and dad in the parental family, a child takes the side of one of the parents, usually idealizing his. About the consequences of this for adult life. The child is not yet able to understand that the contribution to the pattern of relationships in the family is always 50/50, that spouses (parents) make a comparable (if not equal) contribution to the situation. Therefore, in the child’s consciousness, some turn out to be better, and some worse. The motives and actions of a “good” parent are processed by consciousness. Their child consciously worries, approves, wants to be like him, this is legitimate behavior, and it is in consciousness. But the motives and actions of the condemned parent, as a rule, are not processed in consciousness. Because there is no need. And so it’s “clear”: this parent is simply bad, defective, something is wrong with him, by definition. (Children's simplification). The child's consciousness attributes the defect to the very nature of this parent (evil, stupid, etc.). (Questions like “why did such a “good” parent choose such a “bad” one, what did they do together?” are inaccessible to a naive child’s soul). Therefore, the model of behavior of the rejected parent is repressed into the subconscious. What is she doing there? He lives well. And working! How it works - it turns on automatically in appropriate situations. After all, through imitation, a child absorbs both models of behavior, in addition, genetically he carries both his father’s and his mother’s. Neither one nor the other can disappear or disappear. And regarding the behavior patterns of the preferred parent, he has learned to regulate them voluntarily. And he could not learn to voluntarily regulate rejected behavior, because this requires conscious processing and questions like: “why did he behave this way, what forced him, how did this behavior develop.” For example, dad was always calm, it was interesting to play with him , although he was often busy, and for some reason my mother regularly yelled at the children. Consequence number one: growing up, the child will sincerely argue about the inadmissibility of screaming, but will raise his voice in any stressful situation, at all younger ones, primarily at children and animals (when they appear). Moreover, he will experience an unbearable feeling of guilt and will most likely build powerful mental defenses. Why - because the model of behavior of the rejected parent, repressed into the subconscious, “pops up like a jack-in-the-box” during fatigue, stress and other situations that reduce conscious control. Or, on the contrary, mom took care of the family and children, showed love, and dad often made scandals, allowed himself a disdainful intonation towards his wife and children, leading to fights between his parents. A grown-up child often argues: “I don’t understand how dad could behave like that,” (in fact, he never tried to understand), also with indignation and with misunderstanding he condemns his “scandalous” acquaintances. And at the same time, he regularly experiences uncontrollable attacks of rage, during which he can insult loved ones, break something in the house, or engage in self-destructive behavior. And again the feeling of guilt. Promise yourself that it won't happen again. But the trick is that these manners are beyond conscious control. It's hard to admit. Therefore, promises are absolutely useless. Or: dad “walked”, mom endured virtuously, the son suffered, sympathized with mom, condemned dad. The son grew up, got married and is cheating on his wife. How so? Why is this given - and just so that a person, for starters, stops judging one of the parents (and therefore himself), as an adult, tries to understand what led him to such behavior, what mechanisms, what were motives, needs, what was trying to achieve in this way. Then it will be possible to ask the question - what other ways exist in order to get what you want. Launch processing into consciousness. And flexibility and arbitrariness will appear. Fate pushes us into the “skin” of a rejected parent when we say “I don’t understand,” because understanding is an action when youyou make a voluntary effort with your brain, imagining yourself in the place of another. And not just “I wouldn’t do that if I were him,” but “what should this place be like for a person to make such a choice?” “By judging others, you will not become better.” The second consequence: a child who considered his mother good and his father bad, in adulthood idealizes the role of a woman in principle, in abstract speech, but, if you look closely, he constantly shows signs of disrespect and contempt for specific women, with whom you have a close relationship (wives, daughters, lovers). With admiration-respect-reverence-dreaming about women in general, and with a tinge of discontent-disrespect-condemnation) about specific women. A child who considered his dad good and his mother bad can, in adulthood, talk with admiration about men in general, about the role of men in society, until we are talking about specific men with whom he communicates quite closely - and then, suddenly, out of nowhere, an intonation of disdain and disrespect arises - each specific man who is closely acquainted with him is somehow “different”, falls short to the ideal. With admiration-respect-reverence-dreaming about a man in general, and with a tinge of dissatisfaction-disrespect-condemnation about specific men. As a result, relationships are difficult to build, or often destroyed, there are many conflicts or “everyone is not suitable.” Moreover, this mechanism is quite difficult to understand, because all the space in the consciousness is occupied by an idealized model, copied from the memory of the parent whom the child considered good, whom he sincerely treated well, therefore in the consciousness there is a feeling “I treat women very well (to men)". But the person does not notice the tendency of disrespect and neglect, and how exactly this tendency destroys his relationship. And he is either confused, or offended, or immediately goes into denial if you try to draw his attention to this. “Just” you need to admit and feel that your beloved parent was not ideal, just as none of those who you will meet. But this is “just” - it feels unbearable, it’s like “stepping on the throat of your own song.” Why - and because often it is ideals and fantasies about them that are what support, give at least some kind of support, especially in adolescence, and a person gets used to feeling this memory of a good parent as an important part of himself. In fact, if you are already an adult, you have many other “parts of yourself”, many other supports, many different angles from which you can look at your parents’ past or present relationships. And you have the option to reconsider your values. There is no need to force your partners to live up to the childhood fantasy existing in their memory. After all, this is just a child’s picture, an attempt by a child to “simplify” an indigestible reality in order to somehow adapt. And this picture has no relation to reality. And the person is still waiting for it to be realized. (“I was waiting for a handsome prince/princess, the postman came and brought me a pension”). The other ("rejected" by you) parent did not have a vicious nature, he did what he could in that situation. He made as many mistakes as he could, and for some reason he did not have enough mental resources. And he was just performing his part in your parents’ couple dance. And having shown in your mind sympathy for the rejected parent, interest in his position, in his inner world, in how all this was felt for him from the inside - you, slowly but surely, will be able to move his model of behavior, implemented by you too, from your subconscious into your consciousness, and therefore into the sphere of arbitrariness, control, choice. Which, over time, will allow you to find a more flexible and suitable form for your pursuit of ideal.Childhood thinking: if I try to understand a “bad” parent, I will be like him. Confusion with the rule “what you think about, comes true.” So here the psychological pattern is the opposite: “what you repress, it comes true.” In this case, I repeat, we automatically carry both models within us, both paternal and maternal, and it is more effective to carry them consciously. “What you think comes true”.