From the author: An article - a reflection on what the concept of “self-love” includes. Many of you have heard about how useful it is to love yourself, as well as about the fact that in order to In order to be loved, you must first of all love yourself. And indeed it is. It is very difficult to love a person who does not like himself, who is always dissatisfied with himself, finds fault with himself and sees only the bad. And for some time we try to tell such a person “No, it’s all wrong!” and prove how good he is, but over time this brings disappointment, since with your love it is impossible to fill the gap of dislike, no matter how hard you try... And after some time you will really begin to notice the shortcomings of your partner. But who wants to be in contact with a whiner or grouch all the time? How long can you convince and try to restore your partner’s self-esteem? At some point, you will realize that you have neither the strength nor the desire for this. It is much more pleasant to communicate with a person who is confident in himself, who knows his worth, and who knows how to see the good in both himself and his partner. So how can you love yourself to become such a confident person? Let's start with how self-love is born. And here we need to go back to childhood and how your parents loved you, and also how they loved themselves and each other. And this is the answer. The child feels the mother’s love through contact with his body, when the mother touches, caresses, strokes the baby. And also through the words of approval and acceptance that the child hears. And even if he does not understand the words, he feels from his mother’s intonation whether these are words of love or not. And the more words of approval and acceptance from loved ones in a child’s experience, the better self-esteem is created, and a positive body image is formed. And quite the opposite, when a child hears: “Your hands are growing out of the wrong place” or “look at yourself! » or “All children are like children, and you!!!” and so on and so forth. The child believes his parents and takes what they say literally. Therefore, after such words, a conviction will form in him that there is something wrong with him, that he is as good as other children and his self-esteem will be distorted and defective. And the more experience of rejection and rejection in the life of such a child, the more difficult it is to believe in self-love. In addition, the child learns relationships of love by imitating his parents and taking on their behavior patterns. And if such a parent’s mother or father lives, sacrificing themselves and their desires, then they teach that “to love is equal to sacrifice.” But the paradox is that it is difficult to love a person who indulges you in everything and “bends himself to everyone and everything.” Such people do not inspire respect and love. They are used, with the help of them they satisfy their desires and they often discharge their aggression on them. In addition, the parent who sacrifices himself sooner or later begins to demand gratitude, which causes a protest against this form of obligation. And the child has a choice, to become such a self-sacrificing person, or to become someone who tyrannizes this victim and uses her, that is, this is a choice of codependent relationships, which the child will then lose in his future family. Another family scenario sounds something like this: “Love is necessary deserve." And the child tries his best! After all, the love of parents is his basic need. He often hears comparisons between him and his peers, as if he must always meet the requirements or standards that his parents have in their heads. They tell him: “Try hard!” and the child tries to “jump” even higher, just to get the promised reward. But the truth is that it is impossible to jump to the ideal. A child often comes to this conclusion after growing up and when he himself begins to reproduce such relationships with his partner. And his choice is small. Either he himself becomes such an overly demanding parent, or he continues to try to earn love in all areas of life, both in personal relationships and at work. And this is a narcissistic scenario for building relationships, which is also formed.