Abuser and abuse - these words have become very popular over the past couple of years. Let's first figure out what it is. Abuse is a relationship in which there is an aggressor and a victim. The aggressor (abuser) suppresses the victim in every possible way, shows aggression, violence, violates boundaries. What types of abuse exist? Physical. This is the use of violence, beatings in order to fulfill one’s demands and completely subjugate the victim. Each of us knows examples: a husband periodically beats his wife, or parents beat their children. Economic. The abuser seeks to limit the income of his victim and control his financial life. This manifests itself, for example, in a situation where a woman wants to go to work after maternity leave, and a man tries in every possible way to dissuade her from this under excuses: “I can already provide for us, stay at home, mind your business,” but at the same time if the woman needs money for personal needs - the man is extremely reluctant to give them. Phrases like: “Where are you going to go?” are addressed to the victim? You don’t even have anything to live on, you can’t live without me!”, “I provide for you and I don’t see gratitude.” Sexy. It manifests itself in the form of harassment and refusal to accept refusal if a woman does not want sex. The abuser does not accept such a refusal and can even turn to violence, not being interested in the wishes of the victim. As an example, we can cite situations when manipulation begins: if you don’t give what I want, I will cheat on you. Do this for me, I want it this way, you will make me feel bad, I need it. Your body belongs to me.”Psychological abuse is expressed in various kinds of manipulation. For example, by manipulating feelings of guilt, the abuser convinces that the victim is to blame for all disagreements and quarrels. Also, very often abusive relationships are accompanied by emotional swings. That is, today the abuser swears love and adores, gives flowers and gifts, and tomorrow he insults, causes pain and violence. And so on in a circle. Psychological abuse also manifests itself in nagging and devaluation: you dress wrong, you don’t deserve me, who needs you, I don’t like the way you behave. What you do is stupid, doesn't matter, etc. Gaslighting. Also a form of psychological violence. One person manipulates another, forcing him to doubt himself, his own strengths and his adequacy. The most popular example is the words: are you kidding me? I never said this, despite the fact that you remember exactly what these words were said. This is an outright lie, words do not correspond to actions, tries to confuse the victim, regularly insults and hurts and then, in order to come out clean and good, resorts to gaslighting so that the victim doubts himself and believes that he is wrong. How to spot an abuser before the beginning of a serious relationship? This is not an easy task, but there are some “bells” through which you can see some characteristic features of an abuser: His words are at odds with his actions. He speaks beautifully, but in reality does practically nothing. He rushes things. He asks you to get married on the second date, offers to move in together right away, convincing you that you are definitely his destiny, that your meeting literally turned his life upside down. He talks a lot about his former partners. Most often he says unpleasant things, constantly repeating how bad he felt in previous relationships. On the first date, he gets into your intimate space, does not keep his distance. Presses for pity. He is rude to others, behaves aggressively. Does not ask about you and your interests. More often Women are the only victims of abuse. They, as a rule, grew up in a family with a similar scenario (the father drank, beat the mother, etc.), or grew up without a father at all. Also important here is low self-esteem and a high desire to start a family at any cost and stand “behind a man.” The victim seems to attract his aggressor, subconsciously feels familiar notes in communication and behavior and falls into a trap. A person with adequate self-esteem and a stable psyche is simply not suitable for such a relationship; after the first alarm bells, he will break off such a relationship. The best solution for the victim is to break it off.