Imagine this situation. You made a mistake towards someone close to you. Or they didn’t fulfill a certain promise. And hurt someone emotionally. Or ignored someone's feelings and needs. Generally speaking, they hurt another person and their feelings. And now this person feels bad and in pain. And you want the situation to change. How to behave? How can you make it easier for you? And how to behave if you are the cause of another person’s experiences? Let's simulate this situation. Option 1 - Apologize. When you apologize, you get a convenient and template option that allows you not to get involved in complex and confusing sensual relationships. You follow a social pattern (which gives you the feeling that you are a decent, good person). This is, of course, a plus. But there will also be disadvantages. Offhand. The feeling of one's own indecency quickly turns into shame. Which (with regular use) can lead to a decrease in self-esteem. An apology implies a feeling of subordination (although the logic of this feeling can be debated), which hurts the ego and may trigger aggression. The same thing can happen if you realize or feel manipulation on the part of another person (which often happens when you start apologizing, because not all people can and know how to stop in time when accepting an apology). And if they put pressure on you with guilt for the purpose of your suffering, then the response can flow out of you like a fountain. And further. Often, with regular apologies, purely at the level of a defense mechanism, a protective barrier is developed that closes access to real experiences and, as a result, you receive an apology without any experiences. Option 2 - RegretTo regret means to feel. Being sorry means showing your feelings and finding the right words that will be accepted by the other person. Regret means that you take on some of the pain and suffering of the person you hurt. Regret cannot be formal. It can only be involved. The advantage of regret is the formation of trust between you and the other person who receives the regret from you. Plus, regrets are your significant responsibility for the situation. The disadvantages lie in the emotional complexity of the action itself. And the fact is that not all “victims” know how to distinguish your real regret from formal apologies. Which can lead to pronounced emotional costs with minimal returns for the relationship. And the main disadvantage is the energy consumption of the process itself. After all, not all people are able to regularly and fully regret what they have done. Option 3 - Cooperate Cooperation means interacting at the level of reason and logic. Cooperation implies a transition to an adult position. Collaboration requires the ability to look at yourself from the outside and embrace the situation from different angles. And cooperation is work. When, instead of listening only to yourself, you try to take into account the opinions and needs of two or more people at the same time. The advantage of this approach is its prospects for developing and maintaining mature, full-fledged and productive relationships. A plus will be your willingness to solve any problems that your partners face. An advantage will also be an orientation towards a positive outcome, regardless of the context, regardless of what led to the current emotional troubles. The disadvantages of this approach will automatically come out on their own if your partner is not mature, is not ready to solve problems and wants to worry only about his own ego and his own needs. Why would such a person do something (decide something) if he can shift the responsibility onto you? Conclusion of the model: when you have emotionally hurt someone, it is useful to have several conscious strategies for your own behavior that would allow you to effectively and promptly resolve conflicts of feelings in a relationship. You can subscribe to my articles and blog posts here.: