How often in adult life have you heard the phrases: “You act like a little person”, “When will you grow up?”, “I’m tired of making decisions for you”, “Grow up!” . Or phrases of the exact opposite type: “You decide everything for everyone!”, “You probably know everything!”, “You say you care, but in fact you just criticize,” “We are tired of your control!” If some of them have already become ingrained in your ears like clichés and it seems that they have been repeated to you a million times, then you are faced with a special problem that is worth paying attention to. Three internal states live in every person: “Adult”, “Child” and “Parent” " And we interact with the world from these three states. Each of us has needs. We all want warmth, acceptance, love. A person with a predominant internal state of an Adult is responsible for his own needs. This position consists of awareness of one’s feelings and needs, understanding, acceptance and satisfying them to the extent possible. In refusing to blame others for your own problems, in the ability to see your 50% contribution to the situation. This is a healthy, self-sufficient part of the personality that respects itself and other people. People who are in the position of an adult can feel the delight of self-realization, personal growth, understanding and acceptance of themselves and others. But not everyone manages to achieve such an Adult state. Peculiarities of upbringing, an unfavorable life history, the influence of the culture of society, the environment - all of this in one way or another influences a person and shapes his behavior, highlighting the internal positions of the Child or Parent. The parental position is a desperate attempt to control life and create the illusion of one’s own infallibility. This person seems to take full responsibility, but in fact this responsibility is very selective and is expressed only in the form of control. This personality state can develop for a variety of reasons. Perhaps in childhood there was too much uncontrollable and inadequate behavior on the part of parents or significant adults. Or the child could feel abandoned and unwanted. Perhaps he had to bear an enormous burden of responsibility for himself and his adult family. In such a situation, the child understands that either he or no one decides. This is how the Parent is born. Steadfast and unquestioning, who does not know how to live simply, since he is used only to survive. The internal position of “Child”, on the contrary, is characterized by insecure behavior and shifting responsibility to another. There is a place here only for what “I want.” Physiologically, a person can grow up, change his passport, legalize relationships, give birth to children, work. But inside, the awareness of one’s own weakness, lack of one’s own position and the seeming impossibility of changing the situation will not leave. It should be emphasized that the Parent and Child internal positions, in addition to the destructive part, also have a constructive part. And the constructive part may well manifest itself in conjunction with the Adult position. So, it is quite normal to laugh or cry from the inner part of the personality - the Child, if the situation evokes these emotions. Or take care of a loved one when he is sick from the position of a Parent, comforting him and providing care. But these are only situational moments, and not the main behavior. In this article we are talking specifically about destructive behavior emanating from the internal states of the Child and Parent. For example, whims or constant, inadequate care. But why do we need these states if they are so negative? The point is that they can be convenient. Here we can already talk about the so-called “comfort zone”. The parental position takes away from the need to take care of your life. After all, understanding your pain, working on accepting yourself, giving warmth and seeing reality can be simply unbearable. In fact, what you give to others is what you need. It's quite difficult to admit this. The child gets the other side of the coin - he can “dangle his legs over the neck” of someone