This is one of the most common questions encountered in my practice as a psychologist. For many people, the breakup of a relationship, no matter for what reason, no matter what, becomes a whole tragedy. Depending on how close and how long they were, the tragedy is a little less or, on the contrary, almost equal to the collapse of one’s entire life. Volumes of smart books have been written on this topic. They contain a lot of important and valuable information. And with this small note I never pretend to address this topic in fullness and depth. But I would like to draw your attention to a small mistake that people often make in this matter. This mistake lies in the fact that when a relationship ends for some reason, and people end it (the relationship), they identify themselves with it (with the relationship, that is). But there is no way to do this! IT'S THE RELATIONSHIP THAT FAILS, NOT YOU. Remember this simple and important idea! The death of a relationship is like the death of a loved one. Sometimes, a loved one leaves and you feel relieved. Sometimes there is great grief. It's always different, but it's never easy. It's the same with relationships. Say goodbye to them, thank them, let them go, and move on to a new life. But just don't identify with them. It's the relationship that dies, not you. You remain to live. Any relationship, of course, leaves a mark in our lives, just like people. This trace is transformed into experience. Realize it, comprehend it, and take it with you into your future life. And with relationships, as with a deceased person, say goodbye and let go. And continue to live, already a little new, because remember: any relationship changes us a little. End your outgoing relationship wisely and move on to a new one with new experiences. Again. You are not the relationship, the relationship is not you. You are, at a minimum, larger than any relationship, and your life is longer, and your life story is much richer and longer. This simple de-identification of yourself and the relationship will greatly facilitate the process of any breakups. Perhaps, if this was a significant and long-term relationship, and it does not end on your initiative, it will be difficult and painful for you. But much less than if you had not done this de-identification. And also, if you like to blame yourself for what happened, or consider a breakup as being “abandoned” because you are not good enough, remember... that relationships are a system of agreements. And this means that your agreements were either violated or were not environmentally friendly for you. And you as an individual have little to do with it. These are mistakes of actions, and not “a mistake of nature, which took such a toll on you” :) You see, we are again talking about identification, or rather de-identification... in this case of yourself and actions. I am good, but the actions I have taken may not have been the best. Do you feel the difference? - Use it. PS: And another small but very big gift for you. When parting, when you are overwhelmed by memories of the departed, thank the person with whom you parted. Sincerely and from the bottom of my heart, thank me. For all the good things that happened between you, for the experience that this person gave you. Give thanks. (Provided, of course, that the remaining feelings are reacted and competently processed. You cannot repress them, deny them, and shove them somewhere for later... but this is a separate topic). And here, when it comes to memories, perhaps obsessive memories, give thanks. This will greatly speed up and smoothen your separation process. Sincerely, I, Tatyana Kirichenko.