From the author: The essence of my problem is that I am an amorous person and I love the state of being in love. Question: Good afternoon, Natalya Anatolyevna! I’ve been reading your “Answers to Questions” column for a long time. You are doing a very necessary and useful thing: firstly, in many issues girls can see themselves and solve their problem without even turning to you specifically. Secondly, for those who have not found an answer from others, they can ask their own and gain clarity... I hesitated to write to you for a long time, I hoped to find a similar question in other articles, but no... But I can’t be one such... The essence of my problem is that I am an amorous person and I love the state of being in love. I “invented” my first love at the age of 9. Yes, that's exactly what I came up with. I had two boy friends and I decided that I needed to fall in love with one of them. I remember how I was lying in bed before going to bed and thinking - who is worthy? :) I chose and fell in love :) I was really looking forward to meeting him, turning pale, blushing and so on... everything as it should be :) Do you know why I went to school? Every morning I woke up and thought - today I will see Him. My crush usually lasted during school for a year. Then there was another contender :) I studied at a regular school, was an obedient girl. And so in high school they decided to transfer me to a gymnasium for girls (this is not Samara). How I cried... I declared the first and only boycott of my parents in my life. I lay on the sofa facing the wall, didn’t talk, didn’t study... Mom was sure that I was worried about my friends. She convinced me that in 3 years I wouldn’t go to college anyway, I had to get used to changing the environment. What do I care about friends - honestly! We could always see them outside of school. I was tormented by the question: why, why would I go to school if there were no boys there? And at that time I wasn’t even in love with anyone from school! That is, my hysteria was about potential love, which I won’t have at the girls’ gymnasium... For me, falling in love is a state of life that moves me forward. My main motive. I `m strange??? I finally went to the gymnasium and after 3 months the first mutual love and the first kiss with a boy happened in my life :) I finally found love for myself outside the school walls :) and was happy :) Of course, then this boy and I ran away and I I was in love with others, but that’s not the point :) My last strongest love, the only one so crazy, (mutual, with sex, and not just kisses), with parental protests and running away at night, happened as a student at the age of 18. We were crazy about each other for two years and then we broke up. I was consumed to the last drop by the madness of that period, but since I cannot exist without men, I rushed to look for a new gentleman. I connected to a dating site. But I decided that I couldn’t survive the stormy emotions now and I want to find a person with whom I will feel warm and comfortable. About six months of going on dates and, oh, here it is - my safe haven of an ideal husband... In general, I found a man with whom I was never in love, but who turned out to be a wonderful person. My parents adored him, his parents fell in love with me (which was the exact opposite of the previous stormy relationship) and I got married. It was a conscious choice - I was looking for just such a man and I found him, but... At the wedding, when he looked at me with happy eyes, do you know what I felt? Fear... Fear that he doesn't know me, that perhaps I might hurt him one day... After our first wedding night, I woke up in the morning and sobbed bitterly while my husband was sleeping. I cried that I now belonged alone forever. It’s impossible for a wonderful person to betray, which means it’s impossible to love others, it’s impossible to feel in love, and in fact it’s impossible to live the way my heart demands. At the moment I have been married for 10 years, we have an 8-year-old son. And I managed to balance on the brink of interest in other men and loyalty to my husband. As you say at the seminar “Sex in a woman’s life,” sexuality is always an interest in men. ThisFine. So I was interested and felt normal. I work in a women's team; my son has only women in his kindergarten and school. That is, I don’t have men with whom I would regularly communicate and could lose my head. I pay attention to interesting neighbors. We live in a good area and our neighbors are stylish, wealthy men :) I also felt some interest in myself over the years and even had a couple of specific proposals that turned out to be not interesting for me :)))) But a couple of months ago I took my son to sports section and there was a young male coach there. My God, he is 24 years old, he is damn charming, athletic. And I am 8 years older, not athletic at all, but rather blood and milk, soft... In general, I was completely blown away :( there would be a sobbing emoticon... Knowing how much I fall in love, I tried to stay away, I’ll say a few words .. And he himself began to come up, talk about the child’s successes, etc. He is a good coach, he hasn’t needed me for 100 years, but, damn it, why talk to me so much, smile and turn off my brain more and more. .. The trouble is that I have all the symptoms of teenage love - I sleep little, eat little, can’t concentrate on anything, I constantly think about him and it’s time for me to take sedatives.... I read it and it’s the funny thing - well, a sick woman.. .. And only now I feel that I am alive, that I am 16-18-20 years old again... I took up sports and started eating right - now I have motivation. And the question is not even in this situation - I know! that nothing will happen with him. No... I don’t know... I’m even afraid to write this... I damn well want something to happen... I’m afraid and I want it... I’m shaking in all places. ... But I’m very young! Well, I will survive this period. I’ll survive, where will I go... And again I’ll control myself and not live.... What should I do, so amorous and loving this feeling? Living by it? I don’t want to believe that I’m the only one... Somehow, amorous women live full lives, but at the same time without cheating on their husbands and without driving themselves into nervous shaking with the prohibition “I am a decent woman, I have a wonderful husband”... By the way , I love my husband!!!!! And I still think that he is ALMOST the best thing that could happen in my life! Sorry for the long letter, I had to describe my whole life in order to better reflect my own essence and relationship to men and feelings.... ___________________________________ Answer: Lisa... thought for a long time about the answer for you... Here are a few ideas that may be useful. The state of falling in love is indeed quite a strong stimulant. A person is alive as long as he feels something... and feelings are the most valuable thing a person has. Because they cannot be counterfeited; they cannot be turned on or off at will. The feelings that a person experiences are the few things that cannot be taken away from him under any circumstances. This is the hardest currency of life... The feeling of falling in love is ALMOST the most beautiful feeling, it touches the basic values ​​of a person, fills you with meaning, strength, frees you from the fear of death.. Falling in love is when you meet an ideal person, and his existence in your world gives you hope, confirms you your own value and ideality, you not only understand that everything was not in vain, you not only feel your uniqueness in this meeting, but you also receive a magic glass through which the whole world looks brighter and lighter. Falling in love is the leading drug, the leading fuel for so many people. You realize this and recognize his power over you... And how many people live, in essence, in the same state - from falling in love to falling in love, but do not want to take responsibility for this peculiarity of theirs. And they shift onto their loved ones, on the weather, on their profession, on the country, on anyone, the responsibility for - their inability to create for themselves the meaning of life, - their inability to see the real world as bright and kind, - their laziness and unwillingness to do daily, sometimes routine work, create reasons for yourself to be proud of yourself, to respect yourself.. I took a pill of love - and voila!life began to sparkle with colors again... I was just answering a letter: “my husband stopped loving me and left us. I’m his third wife, our daughter is his third child.”. how many of these “hummingbirds” are there - from flower to flower... I’ve fallen out of love - what’s the demand from him now... In your case, there’s a lot like them, who can’t do without external fuel, you you are also actively looking for it and using it, but you accept responsibility for this trait of your personality, realize it, understand that this is “my fault”, you are looking for ways to live with it in such a way as to minimally traumatize those around you.. If falling in love were really the only thing , what matters to you, I am sure that this marriage would not have taken place, it would not have been able to remain prosperous all these 8 years, you would not have been tormented - what to do, what to do .. you would have announced publicly - you stopped loving, what to do , you can’t order your heart.. By the way, remember the cartoon about the amorous crow? ))) So, it was all about falling in love. Which, according to all the laws of life, must either end or become love. And love is already the ability to admire a non-ideal person, - the ability to see a beautiful and bright non-ideal world, - this is the pleasure of what is earned, and not of what is won, - and the discovery that (with some adjective I quote the most respected magician and sage A. E. Berezovsky) “the meaning of life is to discover the complete meaninglessness of life, accept it as an absolute given and be able to become happy on these conditions. Love is generally very important, you can’t live without it. But in your case there is another angle: the problem is not only and not so much that you are amorous and cannot live without being in love. But the fact is that all these loves do not become loves... The problem is the transition from falling in love to love. You intuitively chose as your husband a man with whom you seemed to have skipped the stage of falling in love, perhaps intuitively fearing that then love wouldn’t work out...) Look - all those with whom you were in love - they are no longer in your life... but the only one, with whom you were not in love - you live with him, consider him wonderful, the best (or ALMOST the best) person in the world... (I quote) “I cried because I now belong to one person forever. It’s impossible for a wonderful person to betray, which means it’s impossible to love others, it’s impossible to feel in love, and in fact it’s impossible to live the way my heart demands.” The key words here are “it is impossible to love others.” To love - yes, it is impossible. BUT it's not necessary. Love is like the sun, if it exists, then it alone is enough. About “feeling in love” is a different matter. I recently read such a funny joke: a Jew was asked - if he had a choice - a million dollars or five daughters, what would he choose? He answered - five daughters. Why? - they asked him. - Because I have eight daughters. ))) It seems to me that if I asked your husband, what would he choose? - so that you would be in love with him, and it would be bright and unforgettable, but then it’s not a fact that you could fall in love with him, and most likely, you would lose interest in him when the love would burn out... or skip the stage of falling in love, never see this fiery passion in your eyes, not to hear this smell of boiling sweat, which is studied by a person filled with desire... but to live a long life with you in love, kindness and fidelity... I think the choice is obvious.. I don’t know, maybe I’m making up everything about you .. maybe I just want to think and believe that this is possible.. - to experience the full range of feelings of the taste of life, and at the same time not to cross the boundaries of morality, not to betray loved ones... I have seen so many times how people make a choice in favor only one thing... Both distortions look equally sad. But it seems to me that you will be able to maintain balance.. For some time you will blaze with fire, and if you do not step over the line of no return, then “direct your energy in a peaceful direction” and only gain from this love, and not lose something important... Where does it go, the line of no return - I don’t presume to say, probably for everyone. )))