“I don’t express myself, my feelings and needs because I’m afraid of hurting someone else” is a fairly common problem, usually rooted in childhood, when the child was made responsible for the feelings of adults: “You you behave badly and upset your mother”; “You gave grandma a heart attack”; “Because of you, dad is having a nervous breakdown.” I would not evaluate the correctness or incorrectness of the “I’m afraid to offend” position, but would consider it from the point of view of flexibility and appropriateness. Indeed, there is such a dilemma: on the one hand, you can accidentally injure a person, and on the other hand, caring for others forces you to remove yourself from contact, sometimes completely. I think that this position is justified in cases where the other is obviously weaker: you can hurt with a word or action someone who is completely dependent on me: a child, elderly incapacitated parents; the one who entrusted me with his secret, pain, difficulty and therefore is now defenseless in front of me; someone with whom we are in unequal positions (teacher - student, for example). Here, indeed, sometimes the best option is to restrain yourself and leave some of your truth and some of your feelings to yourself. But in the case of adults, capable, strong, “resourced” people equal to me - is there always any point in protecting them, hiding your own? feelings, your point of view, which another may not like, hurt him? The excessive care that we show for the feelings of others often turns out to be unnecessary, an atavism: it’s like continuing to stubbornly carry a child in your arms who can already walk. The old pattern from childhood is inflexible: you should never say about yourself what someone else might not like. And if he said it, then he is guilty, he hurt, offended, hurt. But is there always real guilt? We often confuse and merge the concepts of caring and respectful attitude into one. Everyone deserves respect - yes. But a cautious and careful attitude to such an extent as to put oneself aside for the sake of another is not necessary for everyone and not always. Usually, on the contrary, it harms relationships, depriving them of life, truth, energy. Yes, sometimes our reactions can hurt someone, get into sore spots. When interacting, we are not immune from such accidental mutual injuries. It's sad, but it's reality. No matter how carefully we follow traffic rules, there is always a risk of an accident on the road. When we really hurt, offend, or injure loved ones, it’s sad, and of course, we regret and ask for forgiveness. But it is important to remember that if we express our position respectfully, if we talk about our feelings (sometimes really unpleasant to the interlocutor: “I’m angry with you ”, “I don’t like your behavior, your words”, “I don’t agree” and even “I don’t love you”) – this cannot destroy another. Yes, bringing yourself into contact, declaring yourself and your real needs can sometimes influence the relationship so that it exhausts itself and ends. But if the preservation of a relationship becomes more important than the actual, living people involved in that relationship, it speaks more about dependence on the relationship than about its value. And not always a statement about our needs, even if they are not very convenient for a partner, threatens to destroy (or end) the relationship. When we care too much about the feelings of another (an adult, independent, capable person who does not depend on us), underneath this lies such an insidious thing: we may not see the real other, his actual abilities and needs: does he really need my strength now? is it that I give up on myself and pull myself together, pushing my feelings away? Is it really so difficult for him to bear my feelings? or will he accept them with interest and be grateful that the relationship has become clearer, fuller, more honest? It turns out that excessive care is sometimes a way to feel stronger, more important, more resilient, smarter, and thus unconsciously, as if to “belittle” a partner, assign him to the role of the weak, to be looked after - to the role of a child. And the meaning of this, hidden from us, is that we actually care not about our partner, but about ourselves - our “inner.