Family secrets, family stories, the behavior of your parents and grandparents, their real attitude towards each other, the true motives of their actions, the tragedies and ups they experienced , the story of how the parents met, the reasons for their marriage. When you are little, all this is not realized, you just live in it. You live and absorb, absorb into the unconscious. Millions of thin threads are constantly being pulled, each in its own direction, and if you don’t see them, then you can go CRAZY or get sick, or even die. All this should become clearer in our soul with age, and fall into place, the answers should be found. It is ideal to ask everyone you can ask about this. But sometimes it happens that living relatives cannot tell you the truth. One of my clients said that “there is no point in asking your mother this, she will lie anyway.” It’s sad... But in therapy you can deal with this. We continue to hold the family field even when nothing is clear, and, gradually, the picture appears and assembles, just as an image appears on photographic paper when it is lowered into a bath of solution. The client came with a request that she could not trust her partner, especially when it comes to sexual intimacy. Often, during intimacy, she simply falls into an insensitive state and “wait it out.” The topic of sexuality was closed in her family. She did not see any manifestations of tenderness or affection between her parents. It's like "they didn't have sex." During consultations, when talking about sex, there really was a heavy atmosphere, everything froze, died. It was completely unclear what was happening, where these experiences came from? Since the client’s mother was still alive, I offered to talk with her about what kind of close relationship her parents had. Unexpectedly for everyone, the mother opened up and talked about the fact that sexual relations with The client’s father was only “forced”, which she simply tolerated. But this was not the main thing, but what the mother said later: “Well, it’s like this for everyone, it doesn’t happen any other way.” This shocked the client, firstly because the mother’s experiences during sexual intimacy were very similar to her own, and secondly, by the fact that with this attitude: “It doesn’t happen any other way,” the mother actually “blocked” any other options for her daughter. The client consciously never wanted to be like her mother, but unconsciously she lived her attitudes. And, since the topic of sexuality is usually not discussed between generations in the family, these meanings remained hidden for her. What if my mother had not told my client her experiences? Or would she no longer be alive? Yes, the process would have taken longer, but it would have gone on, since the feeling of heaviness and deadness was already caught and realized by us. Perhaps we would simply create a “working metaphor” - some kind of “suitable” assumption, and would be in its field for as long as necessary until the psyche can cope, “digest” this piece. Also, living with SUICIDE is very important for psychological health any family member. As my client said: “With her suicide, she opened the Overton window for me.” This event leaves consequences in the psyche, like after an earthquake (I wrote about this recently in a post about Turkey). And these mental “fractures” must be contained and collected. But, as a rule, this topic is taboo in families. Nobody wants to discuss it, much less live it. Neither the situation in the family at the time of suicide nor the motives for suicide are clear, “everything was fine, and then THIS.” When I ask the question: “Why do you think he/she did this?”, then in 100 percent of cases I hear : "Don't know". That is, at this place in the psyche there is a BLACK HOLE. And this hole takes a lot of energy. This same experience includes sudden and tragic deaths of loved ones. Also, cases of ALCOHOLISM and drug addiction in the family remain ununderstood and undigested. On the one hand, they are visible, many situations and tragedies are associated with them. But, on the other hand, they are, as it were, covered with a veil of disgust and contempt. Also,.