“You ruined my whole life”, “you ruined my young years” - familiar expressions? People tend to look for someone to blame for their unfortunate fate, and, of course, there is one - a partner. Indeed, a partner can become both a catalyst for your development and its main brake. It can give support, awaken strengths and talents that you didn’t even suspect you had in yourself, but it can completely ruin, destroy your potential, trample on the best that nature has put in you. Of course, we would like to think that everything is in our hands, however, forming a couple, and then a family, we still partly entrust ourselves into the hands of another person, we trust him, we enter a system where everyone depends on each other and influences each other. That is why the choice of a partner, a life partner, is the most important choice in a person’s life. Often couples turn their lives into hard labor not because one of the partners is to blame and acts maliciously, but because both of them made the wrong choice, fatally mistaken each other, and now their union becomes disastrous for both . Such fatal mistakes happen quite often. Recognizing them is painful, almost impossible. Sometimes it’s easier to drag yourself through a dreary family life, disfiguring your psyche, making both your children and your partner unhappy, than to admit: yes, I was blind, it’s my mistake, and I have to correct it. A stable family, a long union - This is not always a happy family. I have almost no clients who came from single-parent families, where, for example, a mother, having decided to divorce her alcoholic husband, raised a child alone, overcoming lack of money and other difficulties. But those who came from two-parent families, where parents tormented and hated each other throughout their lives, are enough. An unhappy family, as a rule, is based on the initial deep incompatibility of the partners. Their entire family life is a continuous adjustment of each other, difficult compromises, dissatisfaction, embitterment. What keeps these people together are strong social attitudes and stereotypes. Marriage becomes a prison for everyone, and separation for them is the only way to break free. There are several levels of compatibility of partners. 1. Sexual / physical Just as animals sniff each other, performing ritual mating dances, people evaluate a partner initially on the physical level. Even if all their movements are not so obvious, and when we meet we do not stick our noses under each other’s tail, however, we have not gone so far from nature: for us, the first acceptance of a partner is still at the level of sensations: smell, touch, look. You should like the way your partner smells, what his hands are like, how he sleeps and breathes, what he feels like, how he eats and how his ears move while chewing. - What does this have to do with sex? The most direct: if this is not there, there is no desire arises, your libido will sleep, curled up in a ball, and sex most likely will not happen, and if it does, then its most important component: spontaneous, animal, when you turn off your head and surrender to the process with your whole being, will remain inaccessible to you. This a level of compatibility is absolutely necessary. You won't be able to fool your libido. People say: if you endure it, you will fall in love. This is definitely not about sex. It's more about his absence. However, sexual or physical compatibility is a necessary condition for creating a family, but completely insufficient. It’s just what’s on the surface: either it exists or it doesn’t. But this level, unfortunately, is very unstable and easily destroyed. For example, if there is no personal compatibility between partners. 2. Level of personal compatibility This includes: temperament, character accentuations, whether you are an introvert or an extrovert. We all have characteristics. And at some point, these characteristics of ours may become unacceptable, intolerable character traits for our partner. Moreover, they become such exactly when the sexual tension between you naturally decreases (which is inevitable) and what previously seemed acceptable begins to irritate and tire,moving into the category of unbearable. For example, the wife loves to receive guests. She is happy when children play and laugh in the house and relatives come. My husband is annoyed by all this and every year more and more. The maximum of his tolerance is to go out and say hello to his relatives, but over time this begins to irritate and break him. For a wife, being among people and communicating is a natural need; she perceives her relatives and friends as part of herself, and her husband’s neglect of them is considered a personal insult, disrespect, and dislike for herself. The level of tolerance for each other has been growing over the years, but grievances, these time bombs, accumulate. Who is right or wrong here? Nobody. It’s just that an introvert met an extrovert, and it’s almost impossible for them to adapt and understand each other without mutual losses. Here’s another story: “My husband makes good money. I work too. However, every evening we sit in the kitchen and I present him with a complete financial report for the day with all the receipts. He has such a tradition from his parents' family. Yesterday we were missing twenty rubles. I didn’t sleep all night, wondering where I had put this check, and I was shaking with hatred for my husband. I can still see his long fingers before my eyes, fingering checks and receipts. He says that he cares about us so much and doesn’t understand why I can’t sleep with him, with him so greedy and petty. How he disgusts me…” This is exactly the case when personal incompatibility destroys sexual incompatibility (the couple’s relationship just began with violent sex). General dissatisfaction with each other, accumulated irritation penetrates the bedroom and finishes off sexual desire. Who is to blame here? Nobody again. Generosity and stinginess collided. If a man met a woman with the same attitude towards money as his, they would not have problems. 3. Level of spiritual compatibility. Of course, the couple should have common ideas about how the family as a whole and each individual will develop , general life strategy. If you dream of a career and feel great potential in yourself, for example, as a lawyer or an astrophysicist, or an actress, then it is unlikely that you will get along with a house builder who will dictate your daily routine and force you to give birth and raise children at home. If you are inclined to take care of to everyone living, and your partner considers charity a whim of the “crazy”, and these are your principled positions with him - rather, your union is doomed, no matter how wonderful you are in sex for each other.4. Level of social (cultural) compatibility. Remember, these literary stories: “He (s) is not of our circle!” But there is a lot of truth in this too. You need to talk about something with your partner, not only fall asleep, but also wake up together. With him, you should not be ashamed to go out somewhere, meet with friends. It happens that a person’s erudition, education, and the number of languages ​​he has learned are mistaken for a person’s culture. This is a big mistake, since an educated, erudite person may be completely undeveloped emotionally, incapable of empathy, sympathy, and this, you see, is also part of the culture that is inherited from the parental family. And, if your partner, with five languages ​​and three higher education will not find a kind word of support for you in all its vocabulary, if you, for example, broke your arm, or does not know words of gratitude for your care, or, even simpler, will not grab a heavy bag of groceries from your hands, then you will quickly forget about his education. In addition, the form of the message is also very important, and it depends on the cultural level. So, I fully admit that in the message: “Take the money, you fool!”, or “Put on your hat, you idiot!” someone will hear the concern. I, for example, won’t hear anything at all except “stupid” and “idiot,” and why do I need this money and a hat after that? What I mean is that you must speak the same language. 5. Household level. How many family boats have crashed in everyday life! They have no number. The fact is that behind everyday nonsense and trifles, complex and important things are often hidden - personal values. For example, you like to cook and shine your hair..