The past should remain in the past, but it often drags on in the form of unfinished words, phrases, and actions. What motivates me when I want to return to the past? I really want to go back there and live there differently, and do everything differently. I feel that if I had said differently, if I had acted differently, if I had stopped you in time, you would be alive now. I feel guilty that he is not with me. I mocked him, laughed at his feelings for me. I didn't love him. I loved someone else from my previous past. Yes, we broke up, then he married someone else. Out of spite, I agreed to marry you. You said that you would make me happy. You saw me broken, you saw me killed. Have you decided that I need your pity? No, I didn't want pity. You started doing everything for me. You adopted my unborn child, you said you didn't care, you loved me, and the daughter would be ours. I didn't believe you because I didn't believe my ex, who is married to another woman. I generally lost faith in you men. But you were persistent in your love or pity, or in your desire to become my hero. I didn’t understand you, so credit for all this to you. But you gave, and I took. Then I would have taken from anyone else what you gave. I took revenge on my ex, I chose you as an instrument of revenge. After he left, I forgot how to fly, I forgot how to love. Having agreed to live with you, I suddenly began to cling to you. The fear of losing you choked me, I was jealous of you for the pillars. I was pissing you off: where are you, who are you with, when will you come home? I hated you, you saw my weakness, you saw me pathetic. I loved you, you are my support and protection. I felt sorry for you, you tried so hard to be a support for me. Did I love you, maybe this is the support I lack. Before I met the child’s father, I was independent, I had dignity and pride. And now, I am humiliated, and my pride makes me unbearable. I'm pathetic, but I'm beautiful, I'm humiliated, but you love me. And this is your weak point. I take revenge on you for the one in the past. I destroy you, I despise you, I test your love for strength. I come up with another test for you, and you pass it once again somehow nobly and beautifully. If I were you, I would have beaten me long ago, but you look at me screaming and remain silent, then just quietly stroke me on the back, on the shoulders. I roar, I scream, I hit you, and you stroke, stroke. I'm tired, I'm crying, I love you for your strength and love. I hate you for this. You always come up with ways to entertain me, distract me, attract me, you call me to happiness, I drag you into grief and strife. The ex, the past, the father of the child does not give me peace. What if he doesn’t love me yet, or no, I should have not gotten pregnant, or no, I love my daughter, she turned out good. I drive him away from me all the time, but I think about him all the time and compare you with him. The worst thing is that I don’t see you, I pin all the grievances against my ex on you, I accuse you of cheating, that you will leave me, leave me, leave me, that you are now pretending to love and care. How did you get me. Well, it’s disgusting to pretend to be in love like that. You just hugged me and said that everything would be fine, that I would get better, and everything would work out. I screamed that I was not sick, how would I get better, what else had he come up with. You stood up and said that's enough. That you can’t stand it anymore, that I’m stupid and hysterical. You yelled at me, you hit me on the cheek. I screamed and started throwing mud at you. You went out, got behind the wheel and drove away. You were gone, on that terrible day you were gone. Accident. Funeral. Tears. My tears are now about you. now you are in the past. now you're an ex. And that pose-ex, well, fuck him, he poisoned all your love for me. How right you were. I'm a fool, what a fool I am. What have I done. I really want to go back there and live there differently and do things differently. I feel that if I had said differently, if I had acted differently, if I had stopped you in time, you would be alive now. I feel guilty that he is not with me. Now I want this past back, I don’t need an ex, I