From the author: “After her words, I don’t want anything!” An article about the role of intonations in family relationships and what may be hidden behind them. Lately, I have become increasingly convinced that the most ordinary things lie at the heart of family conflicts. Such conclusions naturally arise after working with clients. For example, you often hear this from men: “after her words, all desire disappears.” We begin to clarify what was in the wife’s words that caused such a reaction. The phrase is the most common, without a hint of insult or disdain, for example, “did you buy bread?” The man describes everything as if he had been insulted in the most severe form. Hidden resentment discourages him from showing not only tenderness and attention, but also love. Let's figure it out further. It turns out that in fact, he always had an excellent relationship with his wife, and the whole problem lies in an inadequate reaction to some of his wife’s intonations. Indeed, intonations act instantly and bypass logic. They immediately evoke emotions, of any sign. And intonation is a unique means of persuasion, one of the most effective means of non-verbal communication. In terms of impact, it is not inferior to reframing, if not superior to it. If someone has perfect control of their intonations, then they have an undoubted advantage. By nature, women are more likely to control their intonations better than men. The fact is that for women, intonation is a way to express their emotions. This is vital for them, since suppression and non-expression of emotions does not lead to anything good. Of course, men also express their emotions through the play of intonations, but for them there is much less vital necessity here. What are intonations? In speech, they manifest themselves as a rise or fall in the tone of the voice. The speed and amplitude of the tone change is also of great importance. Here are some such options: a sharp, fast transition from top to bottom is a statement; a sharp, fast transition from bottom to top is an exclamation; a sharp, slow transition from bottom to top is a surprise or a question; a sharp, slow transition from top to bottom is an “attack” or a request. The last option of intonations, designated like an “impact”, it “hurts” the ear quite strongly. It differs from a request in that it is preceded by a sharp rise in tone. Sometimes it can be compared to the sound of a dive bomber - there is a similar intonation of takeoff and then a smooth descent. It sounds, to put it mildly, unpleasant, especially if pronounced against the background of dissatisfaction. Let's return to the topic of family relationships. If in that question about bread there was an intonation of attack, then this will cause an instant reaction that “something is wrong.” Moreover, the interlocutor often takes this “something wrong” personally. In the case above, the husband thought that his wife was dissatisfied with him, and completely undeservedly, as he believed. Continuing to understand the situation, it turned out that the wife’s dissatisfaction was due to the fact that the husband often forgets to fulfill her requests, for example, “buy bread.” The husband did not attach much importance to this fact of forgetting, while the wife regarded it as inattention to herself. Hence the dissatisfied intonations. “The intention of any behavior is positive,” says one of the NLP presuppositions. In this case, the wife’s dissatisfied intonations had a positive intention, which was to attract attention to herself and her requests. The wife had no other tool to hint to her husband about this; she had to use this method, which was somewhat painful for the husband’s psyche. From the outside, the situation above may seem overly simple and sometimes ridiculous. I admit that I changed some details, but the general meaning remained unchanged. The cause of conflict in the family can be the most ordinary fact. However, over time, if nothing is done, this fact may acquire additional details, which will only worsen the situation. Oddly enough, it is “dissatisfied intonations” that can be an indicator that “something is wrong.” Vostrukhov Dmitry