From the author: That? what happens behind the doors of the Wizard of Oz or how a family can create their own version of a family contract. The entire history of family psychotherapy has proven that a family, if pushed in the right direction and “launched” its positive forces, is capable of helping itself and its members, based on its own internal resources. The entire history of family psychotherapy has proven that a family, if to push it in the right direction and “launch” its positive forces, it is capable of helping itself and its members, based on its own internal resources. In the process of working with a family, the psychotherapist rebuilds the system of intra-family communications, overcoming its negative aspects and helping not so much the “identified patient”, but the family as a whole. Many serious psychological problems of a person arise in the family, as a result of certain family crises, relationships that develop among relatives, often close and loved ones, difficult relationships in the family, even if they concern only two, cannot but affect all family members, especially children. Family therapy according to K. Whitaker is “the experience of nonverbal communication in the space of fantasy,” a source of creativity and originality, the area where, in fact, the real psychological life of the family takes place. In describing the process of family therapy and its main stages, Whitaker introduced the concept of the “Battle for Structure.” This concept assumes that the family, not the therapist, is responsible for the outcome of the work. The therapist cannot give more to the family than its members can do for each other. It only contributes to the launch of a positive family mechanism, reminiscent of the Wizard of Oz: the heroine of this fairy tale by F. Baum, Dorothy, and her friends decided that only the Wizard could save them from their problems. But in reality, in all situations they relied on their own strengths and found adequate solutions on their own - the same thing, sometimes, or rather always happens at an appointment with a family psychotherapist - the family itself, through research, its internal family work, under the supervision and guidance of the therapist, finds a way out the current crisis. And this is always a question of the internal work of the family, precisely behind the doors of the family psychotherapist’s office, because as Anna Varga, the mastodon of Russian family psychotherapy, once said - family psychotherapy continues after the sessions, when the family comes home, it does the main work there, and this is not always connected with the experiences of family members, this is also important in the context of a mandatory and gradual change in family relationships, paradoxically, sometimes despite some experiences. Let's imagine that two people are suitable for each other and they develop a close relationship, and, usually, at the stage of falling in love, they see the other person through rose-colored glasses. After some time, your partner seems more real, and you begin to notice his weaknesses and those less attractive qualities that you did not pay attention to at first. A similar process of getting to know each other occurs in friendships. And marriage, yes, this is generally a terrible thing, as a psychiatrist unknown to me once put it, one can only enter into it in a state of severe mental disorder, as he spoke about passionate love that consumes both partners. But when the magic disappears, and then problems begin, including with sexual life, then we can say with all confidence that there is a brewing crisis in a marriage or relationship associated with recognizing a partner and the inability to establish any productive relationship with such a partner, because already love (well, the one that is so often written about, about it, about it, about mature, adult love) - presupposes recognition of a person, interest in him and the desire to do something for the relationship with him, while bearing responsibility for his actions. In order to understand the personality and character of another person, it is gooduse an open form of communication - talk freely about your feelings and thoughts. Through open communication, you can find much more in common with a friend or your partner. It is possible to say that something in another irritates, without offending each other, this way the satisfaction received from close relationships increases, and they become stronger and longer lasting. However, you can also discover differences between yourself and your partner, or that your partner, in fact, turned out to be different from what you imagined. This will help to understand where dissatisfaction with relationships comes from, and relationships may become unstable or end altogether, especially relationships that began in adolescence and early childhood may, for this reason, be short-lived, since expectations in relation to one’s partner are often unrealistic. It is difficult to make a healthy family out of a dysfunctional family, but it is possible, and this can be done both with and without the help of family psychotherapy. Firstly, it is hard work, every day, not only for your family therapist, but also for you. Secondly, spouses and families are generally poorly trained in the art of family life, because training one generation is the work of the previous one. Poor family life skills pass from one generation to another, like a predisposition to illness or a “family vice,” which is why so often in the psychotherapist’s office, when working with a family, they touch upon important parts of the family structure - family myths, scripts and traditions. Thirdly, awareness of some things causes too painful, unbearable experiences, and some actions in the family are too difficult to perform due to the fact that they cause condemnation from other relatives. Healthy relationships involve having the skills necessary to “clarify and negotiate”, that is, the ability to conflict while respecting each other’s feelings and boundaries on the way to an effective solution. This is dealing with current differences of opinion and disagreement, which involves patiently discussing issues that arouse strong feelings, while at the same time caring for the feelings of the partner. This opportunity for a married couple or family to negotiate helps to express feelings, conflict and attitudes towards it in a way that is quite safe for partners, defending their interests and boundaries, remaining partners and without destroying relationships. For these purposes, there is precisely one of the techniques of family psychotherapy - this is working with family agreements, it is offered to the family as a tool for constructively clarifying relationships and conflicts, living through a crisis, and also getting to know a partner in a safe environment. Not to be confused with a marriage contract, since it is already a legally formalized document, a family contract is the adult position of each family member on resolving conflicts or disagreements in the family, as well as a more flexible nature of dealing with crises and the formation of “your own way of life” in family life, in fact it is an adult document, a kind of “family passport”. Each family at various stages of a relationship is at some point offered to work with this technique; it presupposes several important conditions: The family must be motivated to resolve current conflicts and be ready to work behind the doors of the family psychotherapist’s office - in fact, this is the very “Battle for the structure”, which Whitaker spoke about, because the family spends most of its life not with a psychotherapist, but at home, and therefore most of the work in the form of assignments falls precisely at this time. Recognition of the existence of a conflict - I think this is not even the second condition, but the first, given that sometimes in a family a conflict is recognized by only one party, while the other can in every possible way avoid this recognition, as well as the responsibility to change anything in life. Then this situation becomes more complicated, but it is still fixable, since a more interested person can simply apply individually, which will be just as effective. Often, conflict is an opportunity to understand in which direction one can or even needs to develop. Abilityeach to adhere to the essence of the conflict, without getting personal. The key to agreement is the ability to stick to this topic. Trying to ensure that neither partner resorts to insults or humiliation, it is better to discuss the current problem without adding fuel to the fire by insulting the feelings of the partner. The ability to listen - any firm position of the partner is always worthy of being treated with all respect. Listening attentively means that you respect and acknowledge your partner's feelings, reinforcing this with words or through full inclusion. You should never point out to your interlocutor that he “shouldn’t have” such feelings; express your point of view after you have let your partner know that you understand the importance of his feelings, even if you cannot share them completely. The ability to find common ground - in any in a conflict, there are certain points of contact, they can always serve as a significant support and starting point for finding a common solution, despite the presence of problematic issues in family life. The ability to be open and vulnerable - an attempt to defend oneself, zealously declaring one’s innocence or rightness, turning tables and attacking , only intensifies the confrontation. Instead of increasing tension, asking for additional information, details and examples, openness and a willingness to listen to complaints promotes mutual understanding. Staying specific in matters of conflict - generalizations that include the words “always” and “never” are almost always unhelpful and never reflect reality If your partner wants to discuss their grievances, ask them to refrain from making petulant generalizations and stick to specific examples so you can understand exactly what they mean. If you have complaints, try to give only specific examples if possible. Willingness to make concessions - even a small step forward can radically change the situation, a small concession is a guarantee that the partner will also make his own step, small concessions lead to big compromises. A compromise is not necessarily a solution where both partners are equally satisfied - 50/50, sometimes it is 60/40, or even 80/20, but this is not a game for points - it is a search for an effective and working solution. Willingness to make decisions independently and bear responsibility for them - when a person is ready to take responsibility for himself and even for his children, then any decision will be perceived by him not as a fatal mistake or the only panacea for all ills, but simply as a continuation of life, one of its options. So, moving directly to the technique of family agreements itself, it is worth saying that agreements or agreements can be called rules that are accepted by all family members without exception. Most families, having unspoken agreements, lose sight of many nuances, due to which conflicts and discrepancies often arise. For example, a spouse wants to be with his friends once a week, but this desire has not been discussed, sometimes he spends time with friends, and sometimes not, because there are some obligations, dissatisfaction accumulates, and at a tense moment a conflict occurs. Therefore, sometimes conflicts that arise are only a consequence of previously uncreated agreements. The practice of creating joint agreements makes it possible to clarify the vision of each partner’s life together; trusting communication strengthens the value of relationships with each other. If you have created agreements and voluntarily accepted the condition of strictly observing them, then in the future there is always the opportunity to constructively conduct dialogue, even in conflict situations. Here we will present a modified version of the “Family Agreement” questionnaire by Nikolai Kozlov, which, due to practice, has undergone some changes and additions, also many thanks to my colleague Victoria Pekarskaya for the excellent article about borders. You can work with this technique in four stages: First, each partner studies it and works with it, describing their conditionsseparatelyAfter filling out and clarifying each separately, the partners choose a time and work together with this technique, clarifying each point about themselves and about the partner, finding compromises and agreements on them, if it becomes impossible to clarify something, then you can work together at this point on the formation of your own conditions or consult with a family psychotherapist. Creating your own version of a family agreement and the conditions for its compliance. And, finally, reconciling this agreement after a year, 3 years, 5 years of marriage, and so on, taking into account the life cycle and problems in the family . Technique of family agreements1. BoundariesPersonal territory - the territory that is or is considered yours, what it consists of and how it is expressed, how you treat it and how you protect it? Personal things - things that are considered yours, what they consist of and how they are expressed, how you do you treat them and how do you protect them? Close people - who are they, what is your relationship with them, who is in your family, how will you communicate with them, and how will you resolve conflicts with them and protect them? Property, including and mental - how it is expressed, in what things, deeds or actions, what you yourself know about it and how you treat it, and how you will defend it (this could be a name, a car, a result of work, a decision on any issue and so on, there can be a huge number of options)? Desires - how are they expressed, in what things, deeds or actions, what do you know about them and how do you handle them, and how will you defend them? Needs - what are they? are expressed, in what forms and types, deeds or actions, what do you know about them and how do you handle them, and how will you defend them? Dreams, fantasies and thoughts - what are they expressed in, in what forms and types, deeds or actions , what do you know about them and how do you handle them, and how will you defend them? Your entire inner world is yours alone. You share it only at your own request, under special conditions, and you have the right to demand special treatment of this information: confidentiality, care, attention, and so on. Emotions and feelings - you have the right to feel what you feel. Anyone who tries to prohibit you from doing this, interfere with it without your permission, or devalue it is violating your boundaries. How are they expressed, in what forms and types, deeds or actions, what do you know about them and how do you handle them, and how will you defend them? Values ​​- you have your values, your beliefs, even principles. Other people may not have them at all, or they may be different. How are they expressed, in what forms and types, deeds or actions, what do you know about them and how do you handle them, and how will you defend them? An attitude towards something, a reaction to something - it can be anything whatever you want, but it’s yours, from football to the reaction to the film, how they are expressed, in what forms and types, deeds or actions, what do you know about them and how do you handle them, and how will you defend them? The main mistake in relation to your boundaries - in the fact that you do not define them, tolerate them and wait “until he understands.” The main mistake with other people's boundaries is to assume that they are as wide or as narrow as yours and not study them. 2. We and the family. What kind of family did my parents have, my attitude towards it? What kind of family do I want? Do I really need a family? Am I going to “invest” a lot of time and effort into it? To which of us is family more important? What do I value most about you? Why do I need you? Why do you need me? Why should you marry (marry me)? Apart from the fact that we love each other, what is the point in this? If the love passes, what next?3. Work and hobbies What are your sources of income? What is your total family budget, what does it consist of? What salary will be insufficient and what can both partners do in this regard? How and where to store money? What are the options for distributing money in the family? How is financial planning carried out and what does it consist of in a family? What is its place?work and what does it consist of? Is it possible to change it and under what conditions? Spouse's attitude towards work. How much free time do you have, how and at what expense are you going to find it if you don’t have enough? What are your hobbies? Why? Could your hobbies conflict with the interests of your family? Is your spouse obligated to share your hobbies? How do you usually spend your free time and how do you expect to spend it in family life? In family life, do you plan meetings with friends: how often, where, in what form, when together with your spouse, when separately? Can friends stay with you? What kind of friends? How often? 4. Housekeeping. Where do you live, why, what are the prospects? Rules for living together and rules for living with parents? Shopping, cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, helping each other, mutual responsibilities, repairs, design and furnishings in the apartment. What is this for you what does it mean and how important is it for you? How was it started and how can it be started now? Food preparation and family taste preferences? Your state of health, heredity, what do you get sick with most often? How much do you monitor your health? How do you do this? How do you usually behave when you are sick? What do you expect from your spouse? What is your preferred daily routine - on weekdays and on weekends? Should the other spouse live the same way? 5. Health. The state of your health, heredity, what do you get sick with most often? How much do you monitor your health? How do you do this? How do you usually behave when you are sick? What do you expect from your spouse? What is your preferred daily routine - on weekdays and on weekends? Should the other spouse live the same way?6. Children and Relatives. Are you planning to have children, how many and when, under what conditions? Requests by gender, names? Infertility, unplanned pregnancy, IVF, adoption, surrogacy, child-free? Who will take care of the child, what kind of help do you expect? How will you react if the help is insufficient? What are your views on the principles of raising and caring for children? How will you decide if there are disagreements? What are your relationships with your parents and relatives now, what would you like? How often are you going to visit your parents and relatives, together or separately? Can relatives (how and who) interfere in your relationships and lifestyle? who are close, who are relatives, who are friends, who are just acquaintances, who are strangers? Can they come into the house? How often? What time? What issues can be discussed with whom? Which issues can be discussed and which are strictly confidential?7. Sex. What literature on sexology have you read? Can you speak on this topic? How do you feel about sex life? What do you expect from each other here? Are you squeamish? Do you consider any parts of the body or bodily functions to be dirty, indecent, that need to be hidden from each other? What problems might you have and what do you expect from your spouse in this regard? If your sex life does not satisfy you, do you consider it possible to discuss this tactfully but openly with each other? Should you consult a specialist? If you decide not to rush into having a child, what protection measures will you choose? How do you feel about non-standard forms of sexual intimacy? What is acceptable and desirable for you, what is not? What kind of sexual activity is desirable for you? What will this depend on? The boundaries of flirting with others, permissibility and desirability on the part of each partner? Is jealousy typical for you and how do you feel about your jealousy and his? What do you consider cheating, flirting, inadmissibility, the norm? Behavior during cheating. 8. Personal freedom and decision making. In what ways does freedom remain, in what ways is it limited and under what conditions? Which issues in your life will you solve together, and which ones separately? What methods of discussion do you consider unacceptable? Who is the head of the family? In which areas and issues is the head the wife, in which is the husband? Can your relatives influence the resolution of your issues, how and how will you relate to this? How to deal with each other in private and in public? What signs?