I AM AN OUTcast! I was bullied at school. I did not go to kindergarten, I stayed at home with my grandmother, who constantly watched me and did not even allow me to communicate normally with other children. Mom worked all day and came home from work when I was already asleep. My dad was an alcoholic, he often beat me and abused my mother. I went for walks with my grandmother until the 5th grade, because she didn’t want to let me go alone. In general, it is clear that my relationships with my classmates did not work out. They often beat me, called me names, tripped me up - in general, they tried to humiliate me in every possible way. But I couldn’t stand up for myself, either physically or mentally. I only got excellent grades, but no one praised me for that. In physical education I was given a 5 because I was an excellent student, although I was the weakest in this regard. Physical education classes were just torture for me. They constantly laughed at me - they called me a sausage, for example, because I could never do a pull-up. My father also called me a weakling, my grandmother scolded me for my modesty, and my mother had a lot of her own problems. When I was in sixth grade, my parents finally divorced and we changed apartments. This is even more stress. In short, I became very seriously ill, spent three months in the hospital, but then was able to catch up. The doctor advised me to join the gym, because the disease had taken a toll on me. My grandmother forcibly enrolled me there. My classmates started laughing even more (it’s worth noting that only the boys laughed at me). They called him a jock, he called a rocker a jock, etc. . After about six months, I started to like going to the gym. By ninth grade I already had very noticeable muscles. They stopped beating me, but they teased me even more - now for my appearance. Surprisingly, I considered myself the ugliest one and didn’t know what to do to make the muscles invisible! I took part in school competitions, I was awarded certificates, for which they didn’t like me even more. I was very weak psychologically and was glad that they didn’t beat me, although now I understand that they didn’t beat me, because physically I was much stronger and They were afraid of me. This is the confession of a young man who has gone through all the torments of being an outcast child. Thank God everything ended well for him. Now he is a candidate of science, he has a beautiful girlfriend, with whom he is going to get married and buy an apartment by the end of the year. If you saw your son or daughter in this person, then it will be useful for you to read our article. Who is involved? Usually, the instigators and organizers of bullying, those who support them, and the victims take part in bullying. It happens that among classmates there are also defenders of the victim. Sometimes the appearance of a defender can radically change the situation (especially if there are several defenders or their opinions are taken into account in the class) - most of the pursuers leave the outcast alone, the conflict comes to naught at the very beginning. Let's consider the psychological characteristics of the main characters. Ringleaders Usually one or two people in the class become the initiators of bullying or active rejection of a classmate. For some reason they didn’t like one of their classmates, and they begin to tease, bully, ridicule him, pointedly avoid him, and not accept him. Boys are the initiators of bullying of both boys and girls, and girls most often attack girls, and in the case of bullying a boy, they either simply share a common point of view, or even begin to defend the outcast. Most often, the basis for pursuing someone is the desire to assert oneself and stand out. Very rarely, bullying is the result of personal revenge for something. It is believed that children who are unsure of themselves, “offended by life,” are offended and assert themselves at the expense of others. According to Alfred Adler, “often an inferiority complex is hidden behind a superiority complex, which serves as compensation. In this case, the person is arrogant, obsessive, self-righteous, arrogant, etc.” However, it happens that quite prosperous guys also become instigators. They are so confident in theirsuperiority, that they consider themselves entitled to mock others and persecute peers who do not please them. This position of the children was largely explained by the position of their parents, who believe that a child they dislike should be removed from the class. Moreover, parents usually actively deny the guilt of their own child: they say that all his actions are protection from arbitrariness on the part of the victim, who is herself to blame. So, the initiators of bullying can be: - active, sociable children who claim to be a leader in the class; - aggressive children, those who have found an unrequited victim for self-affirmation; - children who strive to be the center of attention at any cost; - children who are accustomed to treating others with a sense of superiority, dividing everyone into “us” and “strangers” (such chauvinism or snobbery is the result of appropriate family education); - egocentrics who do not know how to sympathize with others, put themselves in the place of others; - maximalists who do not want to compromise children (especially in adolescence). The instigators are distinguished by the following: - High self-esteem and a high level of aspiration. - The desire to unite classmates around themselves in order to to feel significant, to be the center of attention. - The desire to achieve justice. All for one Several people become the instigators of bullying, everyone else is their followers. They laugh with pleasure at the failures of an outcast, hide his things in the toilet, pick up offensive nicknames, do not miss an opportunity to push him, insult him, or pointedly ignore him and do not want to accept him into their games. Why do children who are kind and responsive to their loved ones become tyrants for a peer who has not done anything wrong to them personally? Firstly, most children obey the so-called herd feeling: “Everyone went, and I went, everyone pushed, and I pushed.” The child does not think about what is happening, he simply participates in the general fun. It doesn’t occur to him how the victim feels at this moment, how hurt, hurt and scared she is. Secondly, some do this in the hope of earning the favor of the class leader. Thirdly, some take part in bullying out of boredom, for the sake of entertainment (they will kick a ball or play tag with the same delight). Fourthly, some children actively persecute an outcast for fear of being in the same position or simply do not dare to go against the majority. And finally, a small percentage of persecutors assert themselves in this way, takes revenge for his failures in something. They lack the energy to become instigators, but they willingly take up someone else's initiative. Most often, these are children who are bullied in the yard, offended by their elders, severely punished by their parents, they are unsuccessful in their studies and do not evoke much sympathy from their classmates. The following psychological characteristics of children who become persecutors can be identified: - They are not independent, are easily influenced by others, and lack initiative.- Conformists always strive to follow rules, certain standards (they are very diligent and law-abiding in everything related to school rules). - They are not inclined to admit their responsibility for what is happening (most often they consider others to blame). - They are often subject to strict control from elders (their parents very demanding, inclined to use physical punishment). - Self-centered, do not know how to put themselves in the place of another. They are not inclined to think about the consequences of their behavior (in conversations they often say: “I didn’t even think about that”). - They are unsure of themselves, they value very much “friendship”, the trust placed in them by class leaders (in sociometric studies they receive the least number of choices, no mutual elections with no one from the class). - Cowardly and embittered. Victims There is always something in a victim that can alienate others and provoke attacks on their part. They are not like the others. Children with obvious problems are most often victims of bullying. Most likely to be attacked and ridiculed is a child: - with an unusual appearance (visible scars, lameness, squint, etc.); - suffering from enuresis orencoporesis (incontinence of urine and feces); - quiet and weak, unable to stand up for himself; - unkemptly dressed; - often skipping classes; - unsuccessful in studies, - overprotected by parents; - unable to communicate. Psychological characteristics of the victim. - Rejected children They can be distinguished by both low self-esteem and a low level of aspiration, and inflated self-esteem and a high level of aspiration. They rate themselves inadequately high on those parameters in which they are obviously less successful than their classmates (for example, the number of friends in the class, academic success, etc.). At the same time, they assume that those around them underestimate them (parents or teachers consider them to be less successful in school or have fewer friends than they actually are). Claiming to be more successful (wanting to be the best in all respects), such children, during the test, determining the level of aspiration (solving problems of varying complexity using Raven's matrices) they often choose difficult tasks, and after failure they choose even more difficult tasks. Research by American psychologists has shown that children with adequate self-esteem are usually accepted by their peers more readily than those with self-esteem too high or reduced. - According to the results of tests that reveal the child’s attitude towards school (unfinished sentences according to D.V. Lubovsky and “Diagnostics of school anxiety” by A.M. Prikhozhan), child victims often emphasize their rejection of school, note that they are teased, offended classmates.- In projective tests, where you need to choose a character and tell what is happening to him, what his mood is ("Diagnostics of school anxiety" by A.M. Parishioners, CAT-N, Anxiety Test), rejected children often describe what is happening as quarrels with peers, resentment, and non-acceptance of the hero in the game. Often their hero becomes an isolated child who is “sad, offended”, “he doesn’t have a partner in physical education”, etc. Even situations of interaction between peers, assessed by the majority of children as positive (“play together, laugh”), are described by child victims as as negative (“they swear, quarrel”). - According to research by Crick and Ladd conducted in 1993 (Craig G. Developmental Psychology. St. Petersburg: Peter, 2000. P. 542.), rejected children report a stronger feeling of loneliness and more often than children accepted by the group, they tend to explain their failures in relationships with peers by external reasons. According to my observations, unpopular children often deny their own responsibility, do not feel guilty for what is happening, show a high degree of defensive aggression directed outward, and do not try. find a way out of the situation (according to the results of the Personal Frustration Test). Not only do they not know how to adequately respond to troubles in life, but during testing they attribute inappropriate actions and aspirations to the hero who finds himself in a frustrating situation (for example, the desire to break something) .Bullying Most often, an outcast child is subjected not so much to physical attacks from peers, but to verbal ones. Psychologist Lemme Haldre defines emotional abuse as committed against a student, which is aimed at deteriorating the psychological well-being of the victim. Emotional abuse causes emotional stress in the victim, humiliating him and lowering his self-esteem. Types of emotional abuse: • ridicule, naming, endless remarks and biased assessments , ridicule, humiliation in the presence of other children, etc.; • rejection, isolation, refusal to communicate with the victim (they refuse to play or study with the child, do not want to sit at the same desk with him, do not invite him to birthday parties, etc.). Moral violence includes threats of physical harm, blackmail and swearing (including name-calling). Blackmail is most often associated with a threat to tell adults about something, to reveal to them some kind of misdeed of the victim if she does not comply with the demands of the persecutor. Also used as blackmail is the threat to stop being friends with the victim. Name-calling is the most common cause of insults and fights. Exactly on“Name-calling” by classmates is the most common complaint of rejected children. Moreover, they call names and insult not only the child victim himself, they gloatingly comment on his drawings and things that belong to him (“What a chest he has instead of a briefcase!”, “Did you find this suit in the trash?!”), insult his relatives (discuss his relatives, give them offensive nicknames). The latter, perhaps, hurts the child more painfully than his own nickname. Learning to resist It is almost impossible to avoid the appearance of teasing in the school community, but it is necessary to fight them. Parents and teachers should not ignore situations where children call each other names. The teacher’s task is to stop the appearance and use of offensive nicknames in the classroom. You can talk separately with the instigators, you can arrange a class hour on this topic. You need to discuss with the victim why others call names (are they offended by him, do they want to attract his attention?). It happens that the child does not understand what he is saying, or does not realize that he is uttering very offensive and hurtful words. You should explain to him that in this way he insults everyone present and it is indecent to use such words. You can tell teenagers that people use curse words only as a last resort, when out of despair they no longer have enough strength and words, and help them change their attitude towards difficult situations. For example , one teacher suggested that her students use the names of dinosaurs or flowers instead of common curse words. You can call a classmate who steps on your foot a diplodocus or a cactus. This will also sound emotional, but much less rude and with a humorous overtone. It is useful to play with the guys in association - take turns talking about which objects, animals, seasons, etc. they associate with each other. It is better to start the game in small groups so that everyone can speak and be in the central role. You can discuss why this or that association arose. This game helps to draw the child’s attention to which of his qualities are significant to others. Parents, if a child complains about being teased, should talk to him about how he can and should react to name-calling. Do not react at all (ignore , do not mention it). This is quite difficult to do, but in some cases it is effective. For example: "Hare, hare!" - a classmate calls. Do not respond until addressed by name, pretend that you do not understand who they are addressing. Say: “Actually, my name is Vasya. Did you really call me?” React non-standardly. A child who calls names always expects to receive a certain reaction from the victim (offense, anger, etc.); unusual behavior of the victim can stop aggression. For example, you can agree with the nickname: “Yes, my mother also thinks that I am somewhat like an owl, I see better than anyone else at night, and I like to sleep in the morning.” Or laugh together: “Yes, that’s our last name, that’s how they teased my great-grandfather.” By the way, parents can talk to their child at home about the fact that children in groups often call each other names, misinterpret, distort surnames, and come up with nicknames. You can remember how they called them names at one time, try together to make a new one out of the surname, determine who will come up with a more original, unusual one, and laugh together. Then it will be easier for the child not to be offended by his peers - he will be ready for this. Explain. You can calmly say to a peer who is calling you names: “I’m very offended to hear this,” “Why do you want to offend me?” One second-grader (the largest in the class) was called fat by another boy. To which the object of ridicule said: “You know, I don’t really want to be friends with you.” This impressed the aggressor so much that he apologized and stopped calling him names. Do not give in to provocation. A fifth grade student was chased by his classmates and called him Masyanya. He got angry and attacked them with his fists. Everyone ran away with delight, and then started again. The boy was asked to try (as an experiment, such a proposal is always readily accepted by children) next time not to rush at the offenders withfists, but turn to them and calmly say: “Guys, I’m tired, give me a rest.” Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated. Very often, children try to force their peers to do something using name-calling. For example, everyone knows the technique of “taking on the weak”. In front of everyone, the child is told that he does not do something because he is a “coward”, “a weakling”, etc., thus putting him before a choice: either he will agree to do what is required of him (often breaking some rules or expose himself to danger), or he will remain in the eyes of others as a “wimp” and a “coward”. Probably, of all the situations involving name-calling, this is the most difficult. And here it is very difficult to help a child come out of it with dignity, because it is not easy for an adult to resist the opinion of the majority, especially those with whom you will continue to communicate in the future. In this sense, it is very interesting to discuss with a child the story of V. Yu Dragunsky “Workers” crushing a stone”, in which Deniska finally decided to jump from the tower, but not because everyone laughed at him, but because he would not be able to respect himself if he did not do it. You should draw the child’s attention to the fact that in each specific situation it is necessary to take your time, weigh the pros and cons, and understand what is more important: to prove something to others or to maintain self-respect. Reply. Sometimes it is useful to respond to the offender in kind, not to be a passive victim, but to become an equal with the offender. When another fight occurred in the sixth grade and the head teacher asked: “Why are you fighting?!” - one of the fighters replied: “And he’s teasing me. He’s calling me ‘bald birch’!” The boy’s surname was Berezin, and his opponent had a hard-to-pronounce Georgian surname, his name was Koba. And the head teacher exclaimed in her hearts: “Well, you tease him.” , say - “Koba is shaggy”! Why fight?! "Perhaps teaching this is not pedagogical, but sometimes there is no other way out. You can, however, respond not with an insult, but with a special excuse. Make an excuse. According to the observations of M.V. Osorina, for children about 12 years old it is very It is important to be able to shout out an excuse in response to name-calling - a kind of defense against a verbal attack. Knowledge of such excuses helps not to leave the insult unanswered, stop the conflict, maintain calm (at least outwardly), surprise and, accordingly, stop the attacker. .Here are examples of excuses: "Whoever calls names is called that himself!" “I swallowed your word and left mine!” All excuses should be said in a calm, friendly tone, trying to reduce everything to a joke. Fighting downtroddenness Naturally, when talking about outcasts and bullying, the question always arises: Why are some children sociable, brave, while others are shy? timid, indecisive? First of all, parents need to keep in mind that nature created each person unique and each child from birth has his own advantages and disadvantages, which mutually compensate for each other. There are no completely positive, ideal children, or those consisting only of shortcomings. In addition, the same quality in some situations can be considered an advantage, and in other situations - as a disadvantage. The formation of increased anxiety and shyness, which are called in a downtrodden society, in addition to the nature of the given temperament, the following factors can also influence: - early and therefore painful separation from the mother, which causes excessive sensitivity and dependence of the child on the emotional state of the people around him, which, in turn, creates shyness and uncertainty in him ;- excessive adherence to principles and strictness of parents, dependence of manifestations of attention and love on the extent to which the expectations of the father and mother are met; - inflated demands and expectations in relation to the child, which often causes his problems in later adult life. It is very important for parents.