From the author: The article is taken from open sources on the Internet and, I hope, will be of interest to colleagues and a wide range of readers. On my own behalf, I can add that the choice of a psychologist or psychotherapist should be approached as seriously as the choice of a dentist or gynecologist , a therapist for yourself and a pediatrician for your child. Excerpts from the book by Otto and Miriam Ehrenberg “Labyrinths of Psychotherapy: To Treat or Not to Treat? (Customer Guide)"Original: Otto Ehrenberg & Miriam Ehrenberg. The Psychotherapy Maze: A Consumer's Guide to Getting Ins and Outs of Therapy, first published in 1977 in New York; in 1986, a second expanded edition was published, from which a Russian translation was made (by S.A. Belorusova). Although more than 30 years have passed since the publication of this unusual “customer guide,” the advice of American experts, I am sure, remains relevant. The full text of the translation can be easily found on the Internet by the names of the authors (the title may vary). Goals and Expectations Psychotherapy can enrich your life. It can be a delightful adventure. However, like any journey you are about to take, it carries with it an element of the unknown. You must be prepared that seemingly forgotten events of your life will come to life before you, you will have to work, even if it seems that you are stuck and there are no signs of improvement, you will have to endure difficulties, starting to live in a new way. Psychotherapy requires time, effort and courage. In order to avoid subsequent disappointments, you must decide for yourself the basic question - what do you need: to be taken care of or to be taught to take care of yourself? You should not hope that psychotherapy will solve your problems. It will not remove difficulties from your life, but will help you meet them with dignity. You will not be able to avoid injustices and unexpected disappointments in the future. However, the more prepared, wise, flexible and free you become, the richer and more interesting your life will become. Which of us makes sense to go to a psychotherapist? First of all, you should realize that your poor emotional well-being is a positive sign. People who allow themselves to experience feelings, rather than blocking or suppressing them, have taken the first step towards psychotherapy. The more aware you are of your suffering, the more obvious it is to you that it is impossible to remain in your current situation, the stronger will be your desire to change something in your destiny. Starting psychotherapy is not so easy. Getting started means setting aside time, starting to plan new activities, being exposed to unfamiliar experiences, and, importantly, deciding to make financial sacrifices. If you begin to have doubts, you may be tempted to postpone psychotherapy until the situation becomes completely unbearable. But by delaying, you miss the advantage, then you will lose freedom of choice, you will not have the opportunity to look around in search of the most suitable option, you risk ending up with the first person who comes your way, in an effort to immediately alleviate your condition. The more you linger in your frustration, the more your ability to work in psychotherapy weakens. Growing problems become too overwhelming to resolve. Starting therapy becomes easier when you have a clearer idea of ​​what you want. Don't be shy when meeting with therapists. Remember that although he is a professional and you are a client, you are the one who buys his services. Not only do you have the right to ask for everything, but you also have a responsibility to yourself to get what you want. Don't be concerned about the impression you'll have on your therapist. Much more important is how it appears to you. If you have any confusion, you may want to look around again to find the right specialist. If your choice turns out to be unsuccessful, it cannot become something that binds you. You can always stop the course and try againtimes. How to find the right psychotherapist Most people who start psychotherapy do not really choose, but apply to the first address they come across. However, the more selective you are in your search for a good specialist, the higher the chances that psychotherapy will be really good. Your psychotherapist must be a specialist who has received special training, especially in the field of personality theory, have experience in conducting therapy, have undergone psychotherapy himself, and be an integral, responsible, responsive person. A diploma on the wall or an advanced degree does not guarantee that a therapist meets these seemingly obvious requirements. Therefore, you should take a closer look at your future psychotherapist. Training and diplomas are not a sufficient guarantee of successful psychotherapy. A specialist is required to have a certain set of personal characteristics that will allow him to work with you in an atmosphere of mutual respect. A psychotherapist should have the opportunity not only to understand you and your problems, but also to communicate with you in a manner that suits you. If you do not feel comfortable with your therapist, you should not begin the psychotherapy process. You need a therapist who will find it easy to express everything you think and feel, and to whom it will be easy for you to ask questions. You should enjoy the therapist's company and feel that the feeling is mutual. You need a therapist who will truly be interested in who you are and not fit you into one theory or another. The therapist should communicate with you in a respectful manner and not be afraid of your feelings. He should not be hasty in his judgments about you. If he has to contradict you, it should not seem hostile, envious or sarcastic. The therapist should express his feelings and be interested in what you have to say, and not hide behind a mask of “objective detachment.” He must react naturally and have a sense of humor. He must admit his own mistakes, and not deny them, claiming to be perfect. In a psychotherapeutic relationship, the possibility of exploitation of the client increases significantly. You must be alert and may feel this during therapy. Signs of this are the therapist's self-confidence, use of specific jargon, quick interpretations, and narcissism. Being overly friendly may also be a sign that the therapist is using you to satisfy his need for admiration or intimacy. A too formal and cold position may be an indicator of self-doubt or insufficient ability to establish effective contact. An important factor is that the therapist himself has experienced psychotherapy. To learn psychotherapy, textbooks alone are not enough. By going through psychotherapy, the therapist enriches his ability to understand others, becomes aware of his own limits, fears and how he blocks his own development. First meeting and first impressions The purpose of the first meeting is for you and the psychotherapist to establish the desirability of working together. This is not the beginning of psychotherapy. The “first meeting” may not be limited to one visit. Conventionally, this is the name for the period during which you decide that this therapist is suitable for you. It would be a mistake on your part if you decide that the task is completed when you come into the office and just sit down, giving the psychotherapist the initiative. Your task is for the psychotherapist to understand what is happening to you and what you expect from psychotherapy. In addition, your task is to evaluate the therapist and understand your feelings regarding the prospects of working together with him. Finally, your last task is to understand how the therapist perceives you, what he can offer you and how acceptable it is for you. In the process of discussing problems, your attitude towards the therapist begins to form. You can listen to your feelings. Do you feel that this person can help you? Do you have sympathy for him? Is it mutual?Does the therapist respect your right to ask questions or does he begin to take a top-down approach? Are you receiving answers that satisfy you? Do you trust that the therapist is speaking to you sincerely or is he trying to impress you with jargon, forcing friendship, or promising a quick “cure”? Don’t be afraid to trust your impressions; your feelings will be your best advisor. If you feel that the therapist is open, caring, responsible and understanding, then this is likely to be the case. If the therapist is harsh, cold and disrespectful, this will be confirmed in the future. What is the psychotherapeutic process Therapeutic meetings usually begin with you bringing material to make the subject of discussion. It could be anything you're thinking about at the moment - an argument with a taxi driver on the way to a therapist, a dream you had last night, feelings you have for your loved ones, or something left unresolved during a previous meeting. Whatever you talk about, your task is to be honest and sincere to the best of your ability. Try not to hold back thoughts and feelings because you might feel ashamed, you must allow your feelings to be open in order to accept them and become a whole person. The therapist's job is to help you express yourself by creating the conditions for you to do so. These conditions include ensuring your openness and the opportunity to share the disturbing emotions that are blocking you. The psychotherapist does not just sit, he listens and observes carefully in order to share with you his judgments about what barriers prevent you from accepting knowledge about yourself. By mirroring what and how you said, he can lead you to an understanding of what habitually eludes you. He draws your attention to the emotional changes that occur with you when narrating a particular event. He notices sudden changes in your behavior (“You became so animated when talking about your father, how did you feel then?”). It helps you track the inconsistency of your behavior (“Last time you were so optimistic, but today you are unusually silent. What is happening to you?”). The therapist helps you establish the relationship between your feelings and behavior (“Look how tightly your hands are clasped. It started when you started talking about your mother.”). The therapist will try to draw your attention to what you didn’t do or say (“Last time you spent the whole meeting talking about the upcoming conversation with your boss, but today you didn’t mention a word about it. I wonder why that would be.”). Through such supportive interaction with a psychotherapist, through dialogues and arguments, you will learn new ways to gain experience from the events of your life, new perspectives and alternatives for solving your problems will open up to you. Clients often think that explaining their behavior will be the answer to their problems. Then it is not clear why the therapist encourages them to work, to search for discoveries in themselves, when he knows everything in advance. Those internal realities that are difficult to meet face to face are accepted and realized gradually. Acceptance occurs through repetition of the same material, through looking at the problem from different points of view, through your growth in self-tolerance and courage to accept new knowledge about yourself. This process, called "working through", is often difficult for the client, and many want to stop doing it as soon as possible. They may be discouraged and disappointed that the first insight did not lead to visible changes and that much of this hard work still lies ahead. The psychotherapeutic process can be compared to a winding road on which at times you move very quickly, and at other times there is no sign of progress. There will undoubtedly be times when psychotherapy begins to irritate you. The best antidote to this is knowing it is coming. In this case, continue to be open and work withall problems in the most natural manner for you. ConversationAfter the first meetings, when the main problems have already been discussed, some clients suddenly find that they do not know what to talk about. Talk about what seems most important to you at the moment. If you are worried about several things at once, then do not try to choose the most important one. The goal is to establish a deeper level of understanding of your entire life. This awareness can come through talking about everything that is meaningful to you. Try to speak about yourself directly and not as a third person. The more specific the description of your experience is, the more lively the meetings are, the higher the ultimate prospects for understanding you. Try to talk about things the way you think about them. Don't gloss over your thoughts before presenting them to the therapist, and don't try to express them in a polite manner. Let them come as you experience them. For example, let your therapist know that “when you sit there with that stupid blank look on your face, it makes me want to flick you on the nose,” rather than “you look weird today.” Try to be as open as possible, do not be embarrassed or ashamed, no matter what you say. If your feelings are suffocating you, they must be brought out in order to learn how to cope with them. The more you can express, the less fear you will experience. Past or present Reconstruction of events in your past can be, although not always, an important element of therapy. There is some kind of magical belief that if you just remember your childhood, you will immediately find the key to all the problems of today. It is not the events themselves that are important, but the meaning that you put into them. The past is important because it lays the foundations for your relationship to the world. If this system of relationships has remained the same and has not changed with the experience of the present, then understanding the past can help you understand your present reactions. However, if the client feels that the past has nothing to do with his present problems, the therapist should not insist on discussing only because he needs to do everything according to the rules. If discussing the past becomes an automatic exercise, then it is a waste of time and therapeutic resources that could be focused on more significant factors. Silence Does silence during a psychotherapy meeting mean that the therapy has reached an impasse or can silence be beneficial? Like conversation, silence can be used constructively or destructively. The significance of silence depends on your feelings during it. Silence may be necessary in order to remember something. Silence may follow the “release of emotions” in order to integrate them, to “digest” them. Therapists usually do not interrupt periods of silence if they are convinced that during these times you are looking deeply into yourself. Sometimes therapists ask a client to be silent for a few minutes because talking too much can be a trick of wasting time on unimportant information. It’s easy to dissolve the feeling of shyness that arises in the flow of words. If the therapist believes that talking is a defensive reaction for you to hide your true feelings, he may ask you to be silent for a while so that, after collecting your thoughts, you begin to talk about what is really bothering you. Silence may mean a loss of contact between you and the therapist. If you feel uncomfortable or angry, you may feel increasing frustration due to the therapist's silence. Often the client sits and waits for the therapist to ask him a question or ask what his silence means. Indeed, it is up to the therapist to evaluate the quality and purpose of the silence. However, if you stop speaking because you feel that the therapist does not understand you, the task of breaking the silence falls on your shoulders. Phases of Psychotherapy A typical psychotherapeutic process includes a number of stages that are distinguished by the different background of the client's mood. At the beginning of therapy, if you have done wellchoice, you will feel the tension subsiding. In addition to the fact that you will feel relieved that you have made a decision and started exercising, there is a high probability that you will soon feel quick help in overcoming the most acute problems that brought you to a specialist. However, as the therapeutic process progresses, you will experience disappointment that the effect does not occur as quickly as you would like. Problems are not resolved simply or easily, and you will feel that the therapist is not persistent enough in his attention to the specific difficulties in your life. It will become obvious to you that there is a lot of and sometimes boring joint work ahead. You may even feel like you feel worse than before you started therapy. This will happen when problems open up in front of you that you had not previously suspected and now they can cause a panic reaction. You will doubt your ability to cope with them. Even if you do not have fear, your illusions will disappear. Maintaining the status quo of your previous dispensation of soul will become impossible for you, because you will expect more from yourself and from life. One of the most difficult aspects is accepting the unsustainable pace of the process with its slowdowns, accelerations, and stops. Even good collaboration will result in inconsistent results. You may be annoyed that you are “working through” the same material again and again, you may get tired of repetition. At the same time, remember that often the biggest breakthroughs forward can happen exactly when you least expect them. How to remember your thoughts Sometimes clients during therapy want to talk about all their thoughts, memories, feelings, but as soon as they find themselves in the office, they immediately everyone forgets, except that they wanted to talk about something. This happens if there is a “resistance” within you to discuss certain material in therapy meetings or if the anxiety around this thought is so great that it “clogs” it completely. Finally, you may simply forget what you wanted to talk about because you were preoccupied with what was happening at work, what to cook for dinner, or the need to write a letter. Current events can really push out of your head the problems of knowing yourself that are not really pressing you. There are several simple ways to keep in mind everything you would like to present to the therapist. You can write down the thoughts that come to your mind in a notebook or start keeping a diary. A diary can greatly help you in the process of self-analysis if you write down your thoughts, experiences and feelings, rather than listing events that happened to you. Getting advice Clients often wonder whether it is appropriate to ask a psychotherapist for advice about important events in life, for example, whether to break off relations with a former friend, whether to get married, whether to get a job or quit a job. After all, many of the clients turned to the therapist precisely because they had difficulty making decisions, so the temptation to ask for advice is great. Sometimes the client wants the psychotherapist to make a decision for him. Thus, he gets rid of disturbing doubts - after all, the psychotherapist takes responsibility for the consequences. In such situations, the client should not expect the therapist to make decisions for anyone else. In reality, the client does not need to be decided for him, but to be inspired and supported in his determination to take responsibility for his choices. Only this and no more than this will be taken on by the psychotherapist, although his work includes further support and strengthening of the client in his actions. Avoiding Questions Often clients want to know what their therapist thinks about a particular issue or even about his attitude towards you. Many psychotherapists avoid answering questions like these, even though they fit into the sequence of psychotherapy. However, being important figures in the lives of clients, one must assume that such questions have meaning. You can ask them, but do your researchreasons why you want to do this. Do you have doubts and need encouragement? Are you afraid that the therapist will judge your actions? Discussing your psychotherapy with others Some therapists insist that the client not talk to anyone about the psychotherapy he is undergoing. The idea behind this is that you should not “dilute” topics for discussion with other people, thereby weakening the resources for psychotherapeutic work. Psychotherapy cannot be a “desk session” and if YOU can gain insight into yourself by communicating with other people, your therapist should support this. However, your therapist should be aware of what you are saying to others regarding psychotherapy. This does not mean that the therapist is encroaching on your freedom, but he has the right to know about your feelings and attitudes towards psychotherapy. If you don't decide to do this, something is wrong. The therapist either confuses you or you are annoyed with him, maybe you want to annoy him by not sharing important events in your life. In short, if you feel that it is easier for you to talk to another person and remain silent with the therapist, you should think about why this is happening. Feelings towards the therapist During the process of psychotherapy, you find yourself involved in a close relationship with the therapist, so you are likely to experience strong feelings towards him. These feelings can arise both from the psychotherapeutic process itself and arise independently of it. Acknowledging and understanding them is a key aspect of therapy. The more in tune with your feelings you are in therapy, the more animated the meetings are, the more emotionally involved you are, the more effectively you and your therapist will be able to come to understand you. In open emotional interaction between you and the therapist, you will gain more, if not complete, understanding of yourself than if you discussed your feelings related to other situations. Your relationships with others are still secondary to the therapy process, and your contact with the therapist is direct and potentially of the highest value. The therapeutic relationship is structured in such a way that it provides you with help to approach and express your feelings. Unlike other close relationships, the therapeutic process is not based on mutual commitment. The client's emotional needs are the primary focus of the therapist. This creates a situation of security where you have no fear of being rejected. If you experience anger, you can be sure that the therapist will not express the same feelings towards you. While experiencing tenderness, you must also be convinced that the therapist will not take advantage of this feeling. If we sometimes experience irritation, hostility, intolerance associated with events, people, and sometimes in relation to ourselves, there is nothing incredible in that to assume that your attitude towards the therapist will be negative from the very beginning. If you feel that people find you uninteresting, then you will look for signs of disdain at every turn. A simple glance from the therapist will be perceived by you as if the therapist will be bored in advance by everything you tell him. You may notice a yawn and conclude that the therapist does not have the slightest interest in you. If you are aware of this peculiarity in yourself - a wary feeling of resentment due to the fact that you are being neglected - then, most likely, the psychotherapist has nothing to do with it. Until you separate the therapist from the circle of other people about whom it is clear to you that they are not interested in you, you will not be able to begin productive work. If you do not feel the desire and strength to be deeply involved in the psychotherapeutic process of “working through feelings of transference,” if your visits to a specialist who irritates you are quite rare and you do not place your hopes on them, it makes sense to stop them. You will remain with your “bad attitude complex” until you decide to explore it deeply and responsiblywith the help of a psychotherapist. Conducted self-report studies of clients who visited psychotherapists showed that the success of psychotherapy did not depend on how they treated the psychotherapist at the beginning of the process. Responses included “frustration,” “deep affection,” “rage,” and “neutrality.” Thus, there is no “correct” attitude towards a psychotherapist. The relationship that develops depends on your feelings, on the therapist’s feelings towards you, and on what goals you set. Intense positive feelings towards the therapist are not a guarantee of good therapy. Both positive and negative feelings limit your clarity of perception of the world and the therapist. You need to be open to a psychotherapist because you decided to change yourself, and not because you chose this particular specialist. Being sincere is a more positive experience than shyness or tears that arise from unrealistic expectations or hatred. Try to evaluate your therapeutic relationship based on how it makes sense to you, rather than based on the impressions of your friends. The Therapist's Feelings About You According to traditional schools, the therapist is expected to be impersonal and anonymous. The reason for the reprehensible attitude towards therapists who allow personal feelings and information about themselves to be revealed is the belief that the less the client knows about the therapist, the more the therapist will be able to pick up distortions in the client's perception of the therapist, in other words, no matter what content the client fills out the therapist's form, it will clearly reflect the client's feelings. Many therapists have come to understand that they are not just a blank screen or mirror for the client, but a person who, even while sitting quietly, experiences feelings and desires. The therapist cannot avoid emotional involvement, he can only deny it. Research has shown that the success of psychotherapy depends on the authenticity, warmth and empathy of the therapist and that it is difficult to achieve psychotherapeutic goals while remaining distant and indifferent. Experienced psychotherapists are aware of their feelings towards clients, but hold them back so as not to interfere with the psychotherapeutic process; immature psychotherapists either deny these feelings or put them ahead of the client’s interests. Therapists tend to respond to clients the same way they react to other people. Therapists who are patient outside of work will be equally patient with their clients. Insecure therapists will be wary and tense in response to any change in client behavior. Therapists who feel more comfortable with women will have an easier time working with female clients. Psychotherapists filled with a maternal sense of care prefer dependent clients, and therapists prone to authoritarianism prefer submissive clients. You cannot expect that the specialist you turn to will be devoid of personal biases, but you can hope that he is aware of these feelings in himself, instead to deny them and ensures that they remain under control or emerge in psychotherapy in the most positive way possible. Therapists may have hostile feelings toward clients that they will try to keep out of reach of the client. A therapist, like any person, is more likely to like a client who likes him. Hostility in the client causes anxiety and hostility in the therapist, who then exhibits defensive behavior. Less competent therapists experience more negative reactions towards clients compared to more experienced therapists. A therapist is less effective if his clients' problems coincide with his own. The therapist's feelings towards clients vary greatly from day to day. Research shows that if a therapist feels well, he shows more warmth in his relationships with clients, he is more sincere and more effective than if he is physically ill or burdened with personal problems. One ofThe most problematic aspects are the therapist's sexual feelings towards his clients. In their desire to gain acceptance and approval, clients can be sexually seductive. Sometimes therapists encounter clients who openly want sexual contact, which is a form of confirmation that the therapist is interested in them. The problem is complicated by the fact that most people seeking therapy have sexual difficulties and are trying to get rid of them. In this case, the figure of the psychotherapist appears as a combination of a sexual teacher and a sex object. It is quite clear that the intimate atmosphere of a cozy office contributes to the development of sexual attraction between the client and the therapist. However, from the moment the sexual relationship began, the professional relationship ended. Sure, contact with a loving sexual partner can be psychotherapeutic, but it is not psychotherapy. If the client and therapist have strong mutual feelings for each other, the psychotherapy contract should be terminated. Perhaps the most troubling aspect of the therapist-client sexual relationship is the practice of the client continuing to pay for “psychotherapeutic appointments.” In this case, no matter how professional the therapist may be, his activity relates more to prostitution than to psychotherapy. Resistance or incompatibility? In cases where psychotherapy bears fruit, you develop a positive attitude towards the therapist. Problems disappear and you feel that you have grown in your understanding of yourself, becoming smarter and stronger. Negative feelings can arise not only when the effect of psychotherapy is not noticeable, but also, paradoxically, when it is obvious that the therapy is working. At the same time, you are faced with unpleasant aspects that until then were hidden in the depths of your personality. You understand that you have to change, throw away your old lifestyle, even if a lot of suffering was associated with it. At the same time, you experience anxiety, losing the familiar, and are afraid to face the unknown. When psychotherapy leads you to these conclusions, you feel the urge to run away. Sometimes the very idea of ​​the need for change is difficult to accept. Then you begin to resist psychotherapy. This blocking of therapeutic discoveries is called “resistance.” In the process of successful psychotherapy, periods of resistance cannot be avoided. Resistance itself is a sign that you are on the verge of something important. Feelings associated with resistance are distressing for both the client and the therapist. The client may feel guilty and the therapist may feel disappointed. Given the possibility of such feelings arising in the psychotherapeutic process, it is important to determine what the source of these feelings is. Considering that the issue of resistance is one of the main ones in the psychotherapeutic process, you can try to determine whether your negative feelings are resistance or they are due to the therapist’s unsuccessful tactics by the following signs. Signs of resistance: - When the therapeutic process is going well, but suddenly it becomes difficult and unpleasant for you to attend meetings. - When you tried to start therapy courses with several specialists and ended them, faced with the same problems. - When you are disappointed in the psychotherapist similar to disappointment with other significant people in your life. - When your attitude towards therapy suddenly changes - it begins to seem too expensive or ineffective. - When preoccupation with other activities leads you to cancel or forget about your meetings with a psychotherapist. - When you you don’t want to tell the therapist about important events in your life. - When, without any reason, you begin to think about ending therapy sooner than it was agreed upon. Signs of incompatibility While therapists tend to think that all the client’s negative feelings are connected only with resistance, it will be useful toYou had some basic clues to believe that it was the therapist's attitude that made you unhappy in the therapy process. Below are typical situations in which the blame for the failure of a psychotherapeutic relationship lies more with the psychotherapist than with you. - It turns out that your therapist is unsuitable for you. He is too monotonous and closed. In his behavior, claims to significance become visible, he says a lot of words unfamiliar to you or boasts that there are many famous people among his clients. - A conflict of beliefs arises. Mutual respect for ethical standards and lifestyle is a prerequisite for productive communication. Perhaps the therapist adheres to the belief in male primacy in life. Perhaps he perceives your political views as a relic of teenage protest. Perhaps he agrees with you too quickly and in everything, as if he has no principles of his own. - You feel that your therapist is like a “cold fish.” You do not receive the warmth and attention necessary for your inner growth. Although the goal of psychotherapy is not to make a new friend, a supportive and caring atmosphere will allow you to mobilize your own resources more quickly. The therapist may explain his inability to feel you as a professional duty of distancing. However, such distance serves his defense rather than your interests. - When your psychotherapist is a “star”. It is truly delightful to be in his company, when he is inimitable, sparkles and amazes with charm. This magnetism leads you to enjoy his attention to you. It's easy to start with such a charismatic therapist, but then it starts to tire you. Devoting yourself to a psychotherapist means refusing to search for strength and resources within your own personality. - When your psychotherapist “hangs out” over unimportant details. He begins to delve into your childhood memories or dreams. This absolutely goes against the issues that are seriously bothering you at the moment. He may ask about the details of an evening at a restaurant, or discuss a movie, or be interested in your friends. The purpose of such questions may be either to confirm his theory about your condition or to collect material for gossip. - If your psychotherapist is “hanging himself” on you. You may feel that you are more interested in him sexually than as a client. You may sense jealousy when you talk about others you know. He constantly insists on continuing therapy. - When you feel that you are turning into clay from which the therapist is trying to mold what he likes. Despite the fact that you don’t like the therapist’s instructions, he insists on following them to the letter. Therapists often think that they know best and their job is to bring this to your attention. Any manifestation of independence will be perceived by him as “resistance.” This is how your independence is suppressed. - When your therapist is inattentive to you, “obsessed with himself,” and selfish. Many clients may be irritated by certain habits of the psychotherapist, but the constant repetition of the following should alert you: the therapist shortens the time of your meetings, prints out letters in your presence, refuses to answer you by phone, does not show flexibility in discussing payment for missed meetings, does not want to take serious circumstances into account happening to you. Remember that you have the right to respect and courtesy, regardless of the length of your therapy. - When the therapist refuses to discuss your concerns. An indication that therapy is ineffective is the therapist's refusal to talk about your impressions of therapy. Some therapists may allow you to speak and then become defensive or blaming. Perhaps, in a fit of accusation, the therapist will say, "If you don't like it here, go away." If this happens, this advice from the psychotherapist will be the best of everything he told you before. So, you and only you decide.