When a child is not given the boundaries of social interaction or they are not set clearly, he has to set them himself. In one case, through an appeal to rigid structures (security, penitentiary, religious). In another, all his life he will try to deal with unclear boundaries, somewhere making them too rigid, and somewhere not clear and floating. The function of determining boundaries for a child lies with the father. As does the function of being third in the relationship between child and mother. The first boundary that the father sets is: Mom is my wife and your mother. For a boy, mom will not be your wife, for a girl, I will not be your husband. It is important that the father and mother agree on this before the child goes to test the strength of the parents’ relationship, as soon as he realizes that the parent of the opposite sex is attractive, but it doesn’t belong to him as much as he would like. It is important that communication between mom and dad is well developed. This requires a high level of mental differentiation of the personality of each parent. What is achieved by healthy upbringing (attitude) by their parents or long-term psychotherapy. How to raise a child, parents should agree among themselves, and not each separately and with the child. Which is all the time: “What do you want us to do?” “Don’t tell dad/mom.” This is a shift in roles, boundaries, and a violation of the hierarchy, which drives the system of relationships within a growing personality crazy. Parents must set their own rules, about which they have an agreement, and be in solidarity with this. The border must be homogeneous everywhere. Each participant in the family system must be homogeneous in terms of reaction to testing boundaries on the part of the child. Of course, you will say - this is not achievable. Well, yes. But let's get closer. If you talk and be more mature, since you have given birth to a child. Then the father should become the third in the child’s relationship with the outside world, when he leaves the family and is born into society. Dad sets benchmarks for how social and physical reality works. And allows the child to experiment inside this fence. That is, something is always impossible. And here you can try yourself. Violated - responded. According to age. Mom doesn't interfere. She then goes and tells her concerns to her husband, and he, if not a tyrant and a sadist, is obliged to listen to her and heed the fundamental points, take notes and add to his list of literature on pedagogy and personality psychology. If one of the parents is a tyrant, someone goes to the highest father - the state. Well, or the head of the clan, as a last resort. Then, later, the child will want to challenge his father’s “no”. Here the father must allow himself to be defeated. In the sense of tempering your pride. After all, a child cannot defeat his father. Because your father will always be your father. But he can start living by his own rules. Develop your own law. Now it’s time to let the child go. But watching from around the corner (being aware), without interfering in any way with what he is building, is now able to be alone. This is another difficult point for parents. Where it is important that they have an agreement, which is higher in order than emotions about “how is my child?” That is, the mother must be faithful to the agreement with her husband, the father must trust the emotionality of his wife. If only the mother set the boundaries (there was no third person), then it is not a fact that these boundaries will work in the big world. Most likely it will be difficult after 25 years. Questions will begin to arise - why do others know how to live and build relationships, but it’s as if they didn’t tell me some important rules. The absence of a primary, externally given law leads to the fact that I am afraid to let go of excessive control and all the time I think that it is not enough in in my life and in the lives of others too - if I don’t keep myself under the strictest control, then lawlessness will begin. This is how the global lack of feeling of boundaries that will stop you and the security of the world is experienced. There is no benevolent father figure within the psyche. There is only the horror of being thrown into the water in the middle of the ocean, not yet knowing how to swim in shallow water. Experiencing the deficit described above as a result.