From the author: In the article I describe the case of my client, who was timid, shy, and had no experience in relationships with women. The techniques described in the material are more suitable for young guys of slight build. After grief training on male pickup, guys often come to me for therapy who have not been able to arrange their personal lives. Of course, I will not criticize all the dating trainings that my colleagues conduct. I am sure that among them there are professionals who can really help men establish communication with the opposite sex. But in the psychic services market, as elsewhere, unfortunately, there are those that, at best, simply do not bring any benefit, and at worst, harm their clients. It was after these “specialists” that Vasily (name changed, of course) came to me. With the client's permission, I am publishing his story. Vasya is 27 years old. He is a freelance programmer, a self-contained guy who doesn’t have many friends and little experience with girls. At about 19 years old, the young man attended a pickup training session, where the trainers promised to turn unpopular nerds into confident alpha males. The tasks at the training were quite ordinary for such an event format. For example, participants had to pester strangers on the street and try to sell them a roll of toilet paper at a price 10 times higher than its cost. If a participant refused or failed to complete this task, he was severely ridiculed by the trainer in front of the entire group, up to and including expulsion from the group. In general, after this training, Vasya not only did not become more confident in himself, but he became even more withdrawn and became convinced that communication with girls would not be possible for him. Later in therapy, the guy admitted to me that this training left a negative imprint on his perception of himself and his ability to please women. At that time he had a friend, Natalya. Vasily really liked her, he wanted a serious relationship with her. Vasya tried to look after the girl, gave flowers, gifts, took her around the cafe, helped her in her affairs. This went on for about 5 years. Natalya was unapproachable, accepted gifts - but this couple did not go beyond rare kisses. Natalya always had some reason not to meet with Vasily. In pick-up parties and even among the common people, there is a wonderful term for this phenomenon - the friend zone. So, Vasya sat in a deep and hopeless friend zone all these years and did not even hope that something might change. More precisely, I hoped, of course, but not much. Then Natalya got married and their relationship with Vasya ended. The guy was very sad. But, I must say, he’s a great guy - he pursued a career, worked a lot and bought a decent apartment in the center of Minsk, a beautiful Mercedes, saved some money. In general, this young man is quite handsome. He is thin, tall, red-haired, with beautiful eyes, a slightly naive look, an open smile and funny protruding ears. The first impression is made by a modest and indecisive young man. Actually, this is how Vasya felt himself and this is how I perceived him at the beginning of our therapy. Closed, unsure of himself, afraid to approach a girl, but a sweet and handsome guy. Like many other clients, Vasya wanted to be a more brutal and confident man. It seemed to him that more arrogant and bold behavior would help him hide his shyness in front of girls and make acquaintances. But, if other clients approached the girls, got acquainted, received a refusal and were hurt by it, then Vasya did not even try to talk to someone. He was so shy. And that’s what I want to say. As a result, Vasya’s shyness and indecisiveness turned out to be an excellent tool for attracting girls and keeping their interest in this guy. For many men, this sounds paradoxical - that some modesty, self-doubt, and embarrassment can have a stunning effect on a woman. Of course, these qualities by themselves will not attract a woman. They only work in conjunction with other qualities. Which ones?I will tell. Vasya went to the gym. He is tall, thin, and when he pumped up his abs and torso, the relief of his body became seductive. The young man also turned to a professional stylist. The specialist chose a cool wardrobe and hairstyle for him, and Vasya began to look like a fashionable hipster. It should be noted that the wardrobe suited his character, but was not something bright or flashy. The things were obviously of good quality, correct fit and color scheme, which greatly emphasized all of Vasya’s external advantages. Some kind of mystery appeared in him and such a slight relaxed negligence with chic. And so Vasya began to go to places where young girls gathered and just stand there and be silent, since he didn’t really know how to talk. And in Minsk there are many places where young girls gather, looking for a decent guy, I would say, everywhere. As a rule, there are not many handsome young men there. And so Vasya comes to such a place and orders himself a coffee, stands there silently and smiles. At the same time, he looks well-groomed, expensive, smart and relaxed. Relaxed - because he doesn’t really hope for anything, so he doesn’t tense up. It should be noted that Vasya’s dentist is also a good one, so the guy’s smile is dazzling. And girls begin to notice him. They also look back and smile. And Vasya smiles. Due to the fact that there are few well-groomed, handsome and young men around, the girls themselves are ready to take the initiative to get acquainted and approach Vasya in order to start a neutral dialogue. Yes, dear men! If you look objectively good, then in our post-Soviet countries it is not so difficult for you to meet a girl. And in other countries, I think, this is not a problem either. You don’t even need to do anything special for this. Just be well-groomed, well dressed and smile. Some people don’t even have to smile - they’ll still approach you. So, when Vasily tidied up his body and appearance, the girls themselves began to come up to him to get acquainted. In the process, the guy learned to talk to them and joke, but was still shy to bring the lady home to continue the acquaintance. Although in general, he began to feel a little more confident due to the fact that they began to show attention to him. Vasya also began to communicate with one young man (let’s call him Tolik), with whom they shared professional interests, but sometimes after work the guys went to bar to relax and have a cocktail. It turned out that the friend is an experienced seducer. He is exactly how most men want to see themselves - confident, assertive, taking from women what he needs. Vasya, of course, was not like that. And he felt complex compared to his friend, especially when he shared his stories of victories. The guys got to know the girls, Tolik took an active position, and Vasya was quietly silent. But soon he stopped making a problem out of it, and, on the contrary, began to enjoy his silence. It turned out that some girls were frightened by Tolik’s excessive pressure, and they switched more to the modest Vasily, who at the same time looked friendly and non-aggressive. Gradually Vasily got used to it, began going to Minsk cafes and clubs as a job (sometimes alone, sometimes with a friend) in order to pump up dating skills. I remember how at each new session my client talked about his next trip to Zybitskaya (a party place in Minsk), and about the girls who came up to him to meet him. In literally 2 months, he achieved that he took phone numbers from several beautiful girls per evening, but rarely called them, since he was still afraid and did not know what to talk about with them on dates. Sometimes the girls called him themselves, in which case Vasya willingly agreed to the meeting. On dates, Vasya actively joked, laughed, treated them to coffee and gave the girls rides in his luxurious Mercedes. I didn’t take him home, I didn’t try to kiss him, because I was afraid of refusal or that he would do something wrong. After several meetings, girls in 90% of cases began to take the initiative themselves, asked to visit the guy, tried to touch him, etc. Vasya never refused a lady, but alsoI didn’t get active because I simply didn’t know how to do it. As a result, sex was always on the initiative of women, who then continued to write and call the guy, asking him out on dates. Young, handsome and wealthy Vasya is a tasty morsel for many girls. And when he behaves not like an alpha male - a conqueror, but modestly, as if he were all such an inexperienced, inexperienced and indecisive virgin, this suggests that Vasya is easy money, since he is not spoiled by female attention. Plus, his simplicity creates the impression of security around him. From this case (and other cases of clients too), I drew some conclusions. For example, in order to start meeting girls, a guy doesn’t necessarily need a psychologist or pickup training. First of all, you need to pay attention to clothes, teeth, smell, hairstyle, body, speech. And, if something suffers from this, put it in order. Men do not always pay attention to such “little things”. But for women these are not trifles at all, especially at the first impression, at the stage of dating. A man can afford to be ugly if he has strong charisma, or if he is very successful and popular, for example. In this case, girls can really close their eyes to appearance, but even then, not always. Ordinary men just need to tidy up their appearance and the situation with the attention of girls can already change. Secondly, eye contact. Vasya didn’t know how to talk much. But he knew how to look sooooo much that goosebumps ran under the skin. He sometimes looked directly into the eyes, sometimes furtively, blushed and smiled. Probably, this technique is only suitable for young, slender men. Then it can create interest and attraction. If you are a large, tall man with a belly, this product is not for you. By being shy and averting your eyes, you will look strange. The third point is the lack of pressure. Men often feel like they need to put pressure on a girl to make her give in faster. It works with some girls, no doubt. But a much greater effect is produced when a lady inflames herself with her own expectations from a man. Vasya managed to look at a woman with such a look that it seemed to her that he was very passionate about her, that he was practically in love, but was shy in front of her beauty. In part, this was true. Vasya was sincerely fascinated by each of his ladies and was shy in front of her. This timidity, lack of pressure, is good when the man is attractive in appearance and young (up to 30 years old, give or take). The girl saw the guy’s interest, interpreted his indecision in her favor, coupled with Vasya’s appearance and financial wealth, she caught fire with him quite quickly. Many girls cannot slow down their attraction and interest - in the end, they themselves initiate rapprochement. True, Vasya also had some not very pleasant moments in all these stories. Often girls, after sex with him, “appropriated” Vasya for themselves. They wanted him to be more proactive, invest more money, and not communicate with other young ladies. The girls completely forgot that it wasn’t Vasya who was wooing them, but they themselves were hanging on to his neck, and, in fact, the guy didn’t promise them anything, didn’t confess his love, didn’t talk about the future. The girls argued, got offended, sorted things out. Vasya didn’t want anything serious. He was just interested in learning how to seduce different women. He has not yet matured within himself for family and permanent relationships. Vasya is an example when modesty adorns not only a girl, but also a man. Some guys who are naturally timid need to learn to use this trait to their advantage. Yes, of course, it is important to develop other qualities in yourself. But, if you don’t feel like a confident alpha male, then you shouldn’t act like that in front of a woman. This pretense is always read and the guy evokes nothing but pity and disgust at this moment, unfortunately. It’s better sometimes to show your excitement and shyness. Then the impression will be created that yes, you don’t know how to meet people. But for some girls this is just nice - to realize that.