From the author: The article is posted on my blog “Thinking errors or conversations for awareness” If we observe, we can see that in our world any relationship is associated with value for oneself. As children, our family made sure that we had as many “pleasant” experiences as possible. Growing up, we understand that, by and large, no one cares whether we are pleased or not. And then any “doing” that is “pleasant” for us is used to manage us or becomes a business, as shown above. Let's see how we are managed through our values ​​and personal assessments. For example, it is very important for a woman to be married. And for the sake of this “importance,” she will endure the fact that her husband does not take into account her feelings, does not care about her, and even cheats on her. It turns out that she constantly experiences unpleasant emotions, makes herself “unpleasant” for the sake of what is “important” to her. Yes, she feels bad, it often hurts from this attitude towards her, but she is married, she officially has a man, she is not some kind of “abandoned” person or a loner. What does the husband do? Yes, whatever he wants, because he can easily control his wife through her value. For example, when he comes home after another spree, he will assure that this is the last time, that his wife is the most important thing in his life, that if she leaves him, he will disappear, and so on. And the woman, even despite all the pain she endured, will believe the man that everything will really change. After all, she is the most important thing in his life. In a woman’s mind, she builds an image of herself as loved, important and significant for her husband, because no matter what happens, the husband does not leave the family. Then there are comparisons with others based on such a criterion as significance: “After all, he still comes back to me, which means he needs me more!” Compare. But doubts still gnaw at me a little. And in order to get rid of these doubts, it is necessary to affirm and protect the image of oneself in front of society: “Well, where will it go from me, who else will take care of it like that,” or something like that. The woman experiences emotional suffering, but her personal sense of significance will keep her with this man, because she derives pleasure from this feeling of significance, and not from the fact that she is pleased to be near him. As a result, we stop thinking about whether it is pleasant or unpleasant for us, forgetting our childhood state, and look at everything from the position of benefit - whether it is beneficial to our personality or not. Enjoying the breeze, the sun, the touch of a loved one is a child’s state, but we are already adults, we want other pleasures, not emotional contact, but constant confirmation of our correctness and significance. In this we are vulnerable, in this we are controlled, and in this we are used for selfish purposes. They will raise our self-esteem a little, and that’s it - we have already melted, they have made us feel our importance, and we already allow them to do whatever they want to us. Men are taught the art of seduction, how to properly “hang noodles” in the ears of those for whom it is important to be significant. Women - how to properly praise men or how to be bitches in order to get something material from men, etc. As a result, human essential relationships turn into relationships of satisfying personal interest and are built into a pyramid: significant people, less significant people, not significant at all. If we analyze this pyramid, then these are hierarchical relationships, where the concept of “pleasant - unpleasant” is practically absent, but is assessed by significance. And when evaluation appears, comparison also appears, because how can one evaluate without comparing. When entering into relationships with significant people, we are ready to “sacrifice” our significance, we begin to flatter, and try to be “good.” We will “butt heads” with those less significant, trying to prove our importance, our superiority and strive for victory in order to enjoy it. One of the participants in the course “Development of Conscious Attention” admitted: “I directly saw how I was “showing off”with people of equal status to me, I felt how I was “bending my way” to prove to them my superiority, and essentially to prove to myself that I mean something.” And with completely insignificant people we do not stand on ceremony at all, we easily get personal, humiliating and insulting them. As a result, any relationship turns into a competition, because everyone wants to be significant and win. And everyone is sure that he will win. Therefore, there are no sincere relationships, there is only satisfaction of one’s interests. “I helped my friend pick out a blouse, because she has no taste at all.” As a result, the woman has already put herself above her friend. “A friend is having troubles in her family, I need to help, otherwise she won’t be able to cope on her own, she does everything wrong!” “Who are you to raise your voice at me!” There is an assessment of oneself and one’s surroundings based on appearance, influence, and attractiveness. Sincerity and selflessness disappear from our lives, they cease to be a value. In order to feel on top all the time, a system of mutual stroking is created. A person chooses only those friends where there will always be stroking, no stroking - and no friend. A friend expressed his opinion, which differs from ours, that’s it, he’s no longer a friend. We began to accept another only according to the degree of significance he has for us. We don’t care why we stand on ceremony with him. And the result is that we all want to be right, significant, and this replaces happiness for us. If you read comments to articles, then you can clearly see how people are trying to assert themselves, to designate themselves as significant, “putting down” their opponent. Any such comment is always an explicit or hidden form of self-affirmation. And all the assessments in these comments are based on “good - bad”, “right - wrong”, “needed - not necessary” FOR YOURSELF. The other is absent, he is not important, the main thing is self-affirmation. The whole problem in personal existence is that our organs of perception are controlled by the mind. The more we consolidate our image of ourselves, improve in our minds, rely on personal assessments, the more we disconnect from the outside world, from essential being, the further we move away from ourselves. I always say: “If you are satisfied with the life you live, then you don’t need to change anything.” Another question - if you are not satisfied, if you constantly feel dissatisfaction in the background, then you can think about what needs to be changed in my life so that it does not hurt so excruciatingly. Since we cannot exclude society from our lives, we cannot completely move into essential existence, the only option is to find a balance between personal and essential existence. But first you need to remember your essential being, feel your essential perception. How to do it? Study yourself, your subjectivity, according to the essential criteria of “pleasant - unpleasant”, observe how your organs of perception obey your mind. Whatever you do, feel yourself and increase your perception. While listening to music, enhance your perception of sound, feel whether you enjoy the harmony of the melody. Inhaling the aroma, strengthen your sense of smell, feel if you like this smell. Swimming in the water or taking a shower in the morning, feel the touch of water on your body, strengthen this sense of touch, enjoy it. Learn to feel the touch of the wind on your face, the warmth of the sun, the cold of the night. Enjoy the beauty, sounds, smells, stop your running for a moment, feel the world around you. While watching a movie, feel the emotions of that movie. And all this without comprehension. Allow your personality, your ego, to rest. Once I watched a film with friends and children. And one of the guests said that he didn’t understand anything about this film. To which my child replied: “Don’t try to understand, you need to feel this film.” Children understand this, but adults no longer do; they need meaning and usefulness in everything. If you learn to feel yourself, learn to ask yourself the question: “Is this pleasant for me, is it pleasant for my body, is it pleasant for my ears, is it pleasant for my eye, does it give me pleasure?”.