Goals and objectives of the article: - Analysis of alimony obligations from the point of view of law and psychology; - Psychoeducation of the reader for a deep understanding of the essence of what is happening; - Determination of the optimal way to resolve conflict issues in alimony obligations - with the least material and moral costs. PREFACE. To demand or not to demand alimony? Sooner or later, every woman who is left without financial support from the man from whom she gave birth to a child asks this question. It would seem that the answer is obvious - to demand, and for the implementation of such a requirement, at first glance, all the conditions have been created: the legislative framework clearly provides for the obligation to pay alimony, the procedure for collecting it in court if it is impossible to resolve this issue peacefully, as well as legal liability for non-payment based on a court decision. But still, there are many cases when even such measures provided by the state do not allow solving the issue of sufficient material support for the child by his natural father living separately. For clarity, this article will provide an analysis of the most common situations in matters of child support and propose the optimal way to resolve the conflict in connection with the emergence of child support obligations. For examples, we will take images of normal, average people who do not suffer from alcohol/drug addictions, and who do not have mental disorders (examples from the personal practice of a lawyer and psychologist). MAIN PART. Life story. Let's imagine a picture: a happy family of three - he, she and their common child... They have been enjoying life for a long time: there is happiness and love in the family. Parents work during the day, relax at home in the evenings, or go to visit, or maybe invite guests to their place. The child goes to kindergarten, or to school, maybe also attends some clubs, sections, communicates with grandparents, and everyone loves him very much. From time to time this family goes on vacation either in their own country or abroad... It would seem that life is a success, what more is needed? But over time, discord occurs in the family, conflicts arise between parents, family quarrels, perhaps even fights with or without calls to the police... And over time, the once happy family falls apart. The parents begin to live separately, and the child (son or daughter, it doesn’t matter) most often remains to live with the mother. As a result of this, the mother is forced to single-handedly raise and provide financial support for the child, since the father remains indifferent in this matter. Over time, tired of working several jobs, the mother turns to the father with a request for financial help to support their common child, but the father refuses to help with money, citing completely different reasons for his refusal, or agrees to give money for the child, but on conditions unacceptable to the mother. The mother has no choice but to go to court to collect alimony from the father for their common child. The lawsuit was won. It would seem that the issue has been resolved, but the father is in no hurry to pay child support even if there is a court decision. And even if he does pay, this money is still not enough to sufficiently provide for the child, since life is constantly becoming more expensive, and the father, at best, pays the minimum that the court decided to collect from him, based on a number of circumstances that are significant for resolving this issue. Or maybe he pays less than this minimum, so as not to fall into the category of malicious alimony defaulters. In the worst case, the father does not pay anything at all, since legally it is impossible to take anything else from him to pay off the arrears of child support due to the father’s legal lack of income and property. That is, in the worst case, the father evades the obligation to support his child. If the mother is determined, then she triesforce the father to execute the court decision by legal means, up to and including holding him accountable for failure to comply with the court decision as provided for by law. Or perhaps, not only for failure to comply with a court decision exacting alimony, but also for failure to pay it itself, if the law of a particular country provides for punishment specifically for this. But even such measures may not solve the issue of actually receiving alimony, since the father would rather spend money on a lawyer than pay alimony. And the lawyer/attorney, doing his job conscientiously, looks for and successfully applies loopholes in the law in favor of the father, so that he does not bear responsibility for his illegal behavior. As a result of all this, the relationship between the child’s parents is increasingly deteriorating, which in turn negatively affects the child’s psyche. All? Dead end? No, the situation is solvable! In order to understand how you can receive alimony from a father for a common child, you should understand not only the legal aspect of alimony obligations, but also the psychology of the parents, which will give the key to resolving the issue of alimony, and perhaps even to resolving other conflicts between them. Immersion in the psychology of parents will be carried out from an analysis of the behavior of each individual to the reasons that determined their current behavior. Psychology of the mother. Since the mother is solely responsible for the material support of her child, and also cares for and educates him herself, her soul regarding the child’s father is filled with such emotions and feelings as: - resentment (at the father); - anger (at the father); - confusion; - despair. All of these are the basic emotions and feelings inherent in a mother in such a situation. She may also experience a number of other feelings (depending on the specific life circumstances of both parents and the child), so it is simply impossible to identify and describe them all. As a result of experiencing these emotions and feelings, the mother is looking for a way out of the situation available to her: if it was not possible to agree with the father on alimony payments, then the mother goes to court either independently or with the help of a lawyer/attorney. Since the mother knows that the law obliges the father to pay child support, she may pursue the goal of “restoring justice,” which will be expressed in the father’s strict compliance with the law regarding financial support for the child. If you ask yourself when the mother began to have the above-mentioned emotions and feelings about her father, you can find that this happened during the period of the beginning of family disagreements, as a result of which the once happy family broke up. And now all these feelings find their expression (embodiment) in the struggle to collect alimony in court. This state of affairs does not at all mean that the mother does not need financial assistance from the father to support the child; on the contrary, these feelings act as a kind of stimulant for the mother to resolve the material issue. As a general rule, a mother sues for child support because she needs it. However, there are exceptions to this rule: for example, a mother is planning to go on vacation with her child abroad, but the father does not give his consent to the child’s departure. If the legislation of a particular country allows the mother to travel with the child abroad without the consent of the father if he has arrears in alimony for a certain period, the mother sues for alimony in order to legally secure such arrears to ensure unhindered travel with the child to foreign seas. This means, that the level of income of the mother is quite sufficient to provide good material support for the child on her own - without the participation of his father in this, and going to court to collect alimony is a “forced measure”. Exceptions to the general rule also include situations when the mother does not objectively need child support, but still collects it through the court, knowing that the father has another family in which children were born withdisability. This example perfectly demonstrates the mother’s feelings, expressed in her behavior. Also, exceptions to the general rule (the mother’s objective need for child support) is going to court to demand alimony in a large amount, which is not justified in any way, but only demanded. This behavior of the mother indicates either a lack of understanding of the intricacies of the legal procedure for collecting alimony in court, or an intention to settle scores with the child’s father in a similar way for some of his sins. Psychology of the father. To demonstrate the behavior of fathers in response to a mother’s request/demand for financial participation in the maintenance of a common child, we present three of their most striking positions: “I won’t pay her!”, some say. This indicates either a lack of understanding by such fathers of the legal essence of alimony obligations (child support is money for the maintenance of the child, and not for the needs of the mother), or a banal reluctance to pay alimony in principle. - “I will pay alimony, but you will report to me regularly for every penny,” others say. If you ask such fathers about the purpose of receiving this report, most often you can get something like this: “I don’t want her to buy cigarettes for herself with money for the child.” At the same time, fathers completely turn off common sense, which allows them to realize that not a single sane average mother would spend child support on herself to the detriment of their common child, especially since she spends much more on him than the amount of alimony collected from the father . This behavior of fathers indicates a reluctance to acquire the status of alimony provider and is expressed in the manipulation of mothers by creating in their views the picture “alimony is a heavy burden that you don’t want.” “You don’t file for alimony, but I myself will spend money on the child. At the same time, I won’t let you go abroad...”, say others. This position most often indicates the usual settling of scores between fathers and mothers through their common children, coupled with a reluctance to be individually obliged to pay alimony. The most difficult thing is when the father’s position is unstable and can change both within the framework of the above options and with the promotion of others not indicated in this article. Why do fathers behave this way? To answer this question, you need to understand their emotions and feelings. They are partly similar to the emotions and feelings of mothers listed in the paragraph “Mother’s Psychology”, but this bouquet can also be supplemented by others - such as: - anger (at the mother, and even at the child in common with her); - contempt (for the mother , legislation and judicial bodies); - hatred (towards everyone who supports the position on the mandatory payment of alimony). These are the main emotions and feelings that are inherent in fathers in alimony relationships, which means that their list is not exhaustive (can be supplemented in connection with specific life circumstances). And if we delve into the emotional state of such a father, we will see that all the emotions and feelings that determine his current behavior arose not now, but during a family crisis that led to the breakdown of the family. Fathers, just like mothers, are overwhelmed by certain emotions and feelings, which they express in confronting mothers on child support issues. However, neither one nor the other understands that such a confrontation not only does not lead to the resolution of the main conflict between them, but, on the contrary, complicates, aggravates and aggravates it. As a result of this endless and often senseless struggle, not only the parents themselves suffer, but also their common child, seeing all this horror of parental quarrels, which, in his perception, can occur because of him. Is there really no other choice for fathers? There is a way out, and for both parents! Recommendations from a family lawyer and psychologist. To reach recommendations that are effective and painless for participants in a constructive wayresolving a conflict in alimony relations, first of all, it is necessary to note several important facts: The legislation gives both parents not only equal rights (such as to communicate with the child), but also equal responsibilities for its maintenance; The legislation provides for two ways to resolve controversial issues - peaceful (negotiations) and judicial (if it is impossible to agree); Legislation puts the peaceful way of resolving any legal disputes as a priority over the judicial one, which allows parents to agree on all issues (including alimony) themselves, that is, without the participation of the court; In some countries, legislation provides for mediation (a negotiation process with the participation of an independent mediator) as a mandatory pre-trial procedure aimed at resolving a legal dispute without involving the court. It would seem that society has created all the conditions for the peaceful resolution of controversial issues. But a large percentage of family law negotiations fail. Why is this happening? Because the parties initially build the wrong line of negotiations: instead of resolving issues constructively, the parties begin to present claims to each other, accompanied by accusations and insults. This behavior is explained by the presence of accumulated emotions and feelings, which were discussed above, and these emotions and feelings are more negative than positive. However, the parties do not directly express these emotions and feelings - they do not declare their presence, but demonstrate them precisely through mutual insults and accusations, as a result of which the negotiation process ends in failure. From this we can conclude: for successful (constructive) negotiations, instead of blaming your opponent, it is necessary to directly state your emotions, which will allow the opponent not only not to defend himself, but to hear you, and, perhaps, encourage him to respond in the same way. Then it will be possible to build meaningful negotiations and constructively resolve the existing conflict. An example of incorrect dialogue: She: – You are obliged to pay alimony by law! He: - And you must not prevent me from communicating with the child! Until you stop doing this, I won't pay anything! She: - Well, you are a goat! He: - Screw you!.. What if you try to conduct the dialogue differently? For example: She: – Our child needs..., it bothers me that I myself cannot provide him with all this. The child needs a father... He: - Let's discuss in detail what the child needs... As we see, in the second case, the father heard the needs, as they were stated, and made contact. Now the most important thing is not to spoil a properly started dialogue. Thus, negotiations should be recognized as a more effective tool for the constructive resolution of conflict situations in general and issues of financial support for the child in particular. It is important in the process of dialogue not to reduce negotiations to insults, accusations and claims, then they will be effective. No less important is the ability of opponents to hear each other, and this aspect can be adjusted taking into account the fact that once upon a time the current opponents were partners who loved each other, and from this love they had a beautiful child. If you yourself cannot build an effective line of negotiations in family relationships, it makes sense to seek the help of a family psychologist, who will give you really effective tools for constructively conducting complex family negotiations, and also, if you wish, can act as a mediator to help resolve any (including including legal) family dispute. This is much more effective than litigation with a positive, but sometimes impracticable court decision in the end. CONCLUSION. This article provides an analysis of existing problems in family relationships and describes ways to resolve them. The law, whatever it may be,.