A husband and wife are the closest people to each other. Why is it in these relationships that we face many difficulties and experience the most painful feelings. In a state of love, in the first stages of creating a relationship, a process called merging occurs. Nature arranges it this way for procreation - during this period our hormones have a stupefying effect. We see an ideal partner next to us. Hormones are overflowing, the joy from the time spent together is off the charts. According to the theory of H. Fisher, this period lasts from 17 months to 3 years. This time is enough for a relationship to begin, the destinies of two people are intertwined, the couple registers a relationship and a family appears. After some time, we begin to see reality, hormones subside, we are faced with those qualities of a partner that we did not notice or turned a blind eye to. It is during this period that we realize that we are different from each other, that there is something with which we do not agree, that we have different points of view, etc. From this moment the real relationship between husband and wife begins. When there is an awareness of yourself and your feelings and a meeting with a real other person, getting to know him again. This may be a painful period, it may be difficult for us, but if we remain true to our choice and want to create a harmonious relationship, then, with some effort, the result may be even better than you expect. Gestalt principles that will help build a harmonious relationship with a partner: 1. Awareness. The most important and first principle of Gestalt is to be aware. When you encounter difficulties in a relationship, listen to yourself, your feelings and needs. Being aware of your feelings and desires will help you rely on yourself in a relationship. How to do it? Mindfulness training can be very long-term and last throughout life. Especially if we are not used to hearing our own sensations, feelings and desires. This happens quite often in our lives, thanks to our upbringing. Children are not taught to make choices based on feelings and desires, but are told how to do, what to do and when. Because of this, our sensitivity is dulled. But despite this, we can train mindfulness at any age. The simplest thing is to ask yourself the same question as often as possible: “What do I want?” There may be different interpretations further: “Do I really want this?”, “How did I know that this is what I want?”, “Do I enjoy what I got?” etc. The second, complementary way to increase awareness is through bodily practices. They can be very different. It is important that this is not just a sport, but techniques aimed at understanding one’s own sensations and feelings. Today, there are many opportunities. Here is a small list of practices that will help train awareness: 1. Dance movement therapy, spontaneous dance, authentic movement (you can practice at home, with music, the main thing is to relax and hear how your body wants to move).2. Osho meditations (you can also do some of the meditations at home yourself).3. Vipassana (you can attend a ten-day course and then practice on your own).4. Thanatotherapy (without a group or therapist it is already more difficult, but the main task of this technique is to learn to relax, which you can try to do at home))), etc. Perhaps someone knows other options, I listed from what I tried myself. 2. Responsibility The second important principle of the Gestalt approach is responsibility. Responsibility for my life, for my own choices, for what is happening to me today. This is different from feeling guilty. On the one hand, I do not blame anyone for what happens to me, because I myself am responsible for the situation in which I find myself. On the other hand, it is important that I am not to blame for what happened, but for some reason I needed to do just that. Let me explain with an example. During a family crisis, the wifeHer eyes opened and she saw another man in front of her. It seemed to her that he was caring, attentive, gentle and at the same time strong, capable of supporting a family and creating comfortable living conditions, satisfying his wife’s desires (taking her to the cinema or to restaurants). In fact, she faced a man who wanted to spend a quiet evening in front of the TV and go fishing with his friends on the weekend. He spends a lot of energy at work, comes home tired and wants silence and a delicious dinner. Was he different when he was in love? When he courted her, he really invited her to the movies, gave her flowers, and was gallant. When family life began, moments of attention began to appear less often, or even on holidays. In such a situation, there are the following options for the development of events - make the man to blame (he deceived me, he has become different, he doesn’t love me anymore, etc.), make myself to blame (I chose the wrong man, I’m doing everything wrong, I I’m not attracted to him, I don’t know how to create relationships...). And there is also the opportunity to look at it from a responsibility perspective. What is my responsibility for choosing this particular man? What did I like about it, what attracted me? The next step is how am I now building my life so that the situation is exactly like this? Maybe I'm too demanding? Maybe I began to take less care of myself after the wedding? Or maybe I have become very dependent on my partner and I can shift the focus to many interesting activities that bring pleasure to me personally? For example, meet with friends or go to the same gym. Feeling guilty is not the most constructive way to resolve a situation. You can blame yourself and others endlessly. Or you can look at it from the point of view of your own responsibility: what is my contribution to the current situation, what can I do to change it. 3. Contact In the context of family relationships, I understand this gestalt principle as follows - for me it is interaction with a partner. The ability to build relationships so that we can discuss our feelings, hear each other, organize life so that everyone’s needs are met. To do this, it is important to be aware of your feelings and desires, to be able to say and ask about them, to recognize your partner’s feelings and desires and to find a way to interact. In practice, in my opinion, this is the most difficult moment in a relationship. There are many different ways to avoid this contact, for example, resentment, negative experiences when I was not understood, uncontrollable anger, the desire to manipulate, fear of losing a partner, and others. All these methods are often unconscious. What to do? Continue to train awareness, be honest with yourself (and this is about responsibility) and admit to yourself how I disrupt this contact on my own. 4. Boundaries Each of us has personal boundaries, that is, our own zone where I feel comfortable. Partners, being in a merger, regularly invade each other’s boundaries. They sleep in the same bed, eat together, watch the same TV, let each other into intimate space. The fusion does not go away, it only becomes less pathological after a hormonal storm. The concept of balance is important here. On the one hand, we are very close, on the other, there is respect for everyone’s boundaries. And the main thing is knowledge about these boundaries and about your own. Can I compromise on resolving a controversial issue or for me this is the line where I cannot move. Boundaries are not stable values. They can be flexible. It is important to remember them and consciously make a choice - can I move here or not and why. Here we are talking not only about boundaries, but also about choice. About choosing between your own feelings, desires and your partner’s boundaries. And every time it is important to make this choice consciously. 5. Acceptance This is rather a humanistic principle. But it is very important in gestalt. It's about accepting yourself with your feelings and desires and accepting your partner with his feelings and desires, which may be different from mine. A very important point here,!