When an alcoholic appears in the family system, he bears the role of a “scapegoat”. I wrote about this role in the previous article “The Scapegoat” in the family system. It is very convenient to blame the shortcomings of all members of the system on him, without fear that someone will judge him. You ruined my life! They shout, constantly reproach and complain to others - wife, daughter, son, parents, siblings. You spoil the impression of our family! You are just like your father, mother, grandfather, grandmother...! By the way, when it is broadcast to a person addicted to alcohol that he is the same as... This always indicates that members of the family system are trying to push out and forget that other person (like, in fact, any “scapegoat” of the family). But the system does not tolerate emptiness. Therefore, someone must take this place. Sometimes people may wonder how it is possible - there are no alcoholics in our blood family, everyone is responsible, hard-working, gold, and not people, and the son-in-law or daughter-in-law turned out to be very fond of drinking with all that it entails. When you look at this family carefully, it turns out that a new person came into this system, so to speak, at its call. They need him. He is the one who will remind them of someone they want to forget. Someone on whom you can unload your anger, your shortcomings, your problems. Who can be blamed for everything that happens in the relationship between husband-wife, husband-wife-children, etc. You can also often hear that because of a drinking son-in-law (daughter-in-law), the relationship between mother-in-law and father-in-law or mother-in-law and father-in-law has deteriorated. If a son-in-law or daughter-in-law was able to ruin the relationship between the spouse’s parents, then what was this relationship based on? What's wrong with the order of roles in this family? How could it happen that the younger one was given the role of the older one? Alcoholism is a disease. And like any patient, an alcoholic also receives from members of the system, although they are not entirely healthy, the care and attention that he so needs. And they, in turn, realize their need for necessity and significance. Will someone addicted to alcohol be cured, and then how will they live? Who is to blame for life not going well? Family broke up? Are your children sick or doing poorly in school? Are your parents and other relatives unable to sleep at night from nervous exhaustion? Who will be to blame for the system’s habitual craving for suffering? How to get “goodies” in response to your complaints about your hard life because of him? To be a hero, a savior? The truth is that while members of the family system do not recognize the fact that they need an alcoholic ("scapegoat"). And they will not begin to turn their attention to what bonuses they have from the presence of this disease. And what/who are they trying to displace, forget. Like a dirty stain on the system's reputation. They will not see their own shadow manifestations that the alcoholic helps them hide about themselves and others. Nothing will change. One person will leave or recover (as far as possible), and another will take his place. It is clear that the alcohol addict is not a blood relative and has a history of a similar family system. That's why it comes and fits in with ease. Sometimes it doesn’t immediately begin to manifest what the system needs. But under the pressure of an unbearable burden, he still gives in. Or logs out. Therefore, divorce can sometimes be very healing. In any case, only the person himself can take the path of healing and leave the role of a victim-alcohol addict in the past. This is very difficult to do. Especially if it is a blood family system. After all, she will vigorously resist. The system does not want roles to change. Everything suits her. Usually, you can find someone in the system who has gone through something similar and get their support. You really need to look both ways. After all, the rescuer, with his set of secondary benefits, in fact, can help little if you accept everything from him indiscriminately. Awareness, responsibility for one’s life, the desire to live one’s own life instead of one imposed from the outside, the desire to fill it with meaning, this is what can help any member of the generic system on the path to reach a new level and heal. And working with a psychologist may help you +79859942455