All the situations described below are the figment of the author’s imagination; any similarities with real people and events are random. Problem Imagine an ordinary woman of 35 years old. Let's call her Ira. Ira has a husband, Kolya, and two children. They have been married for almost 8 years. For the last couple of years, Ira has been worried about her relationship with her husband. She feels that he has become more distant, he is often harsh and supports her less and less. From time to time he makes comments to her that make her hysterical. When communicating with Kolya, Ira experiences a whole range of negative emotions. She may be offended by him, angry and at times feel unhappy. All these negative experiences do not have the best effect on her relationship with her children. She increasingly begins to get irritated with them and periodically starts screaming when they don’t listen to her. Ira’s attempts to talk to Kolya and find out what’s going on were unsuccessful. Kolya made it clear to her that he was happy with everything and he wasn’t going to change anything. And all the problems lie in herself and in the fact that she “needs to treat her nerves.” Today, Ira is not considering the option of divorce. For now, she wants to react more calmly to her husband and children. How will we work with Ira if she comes to us with such a problem? Step 1 Determine the purpose of the work In fact, Ira’s main problem is that she experiences strong negative experiences in communication with husband. That is, in essence, we are dealing with emotional dependence. If my emotional state depends on what another person does or says, then this means that I have an emotional dependence on that person. Any mentally healthy person can experience such addiction, this is completely normal. It happens to all people, but it manifests itself in different ways. However, you need to understand that emotional dependence causes both negative and positive experiences. In our example, when Kolya does (or says) something good, Ira experiences positive emotions (for example, he gives a compliment and she feels joy). If Kolya does (or says) something bad, then Ira has negative emotions (for example, he responds rudely, and she gets offended by him). Negative and positive experiences in such situations are two sides of the same coin. Or like a swing. When we get what we want, we experience an emotional uplift. When we don't get what we expect, an emotional decline occurs. Accordingly, we cannot get rid of negative emotions without affecting the positive ones. If we want to reduce the “amplitude” of emotional decline, we need to change our overall attitude towards the person. It will be smoother and calmer. Regardless of what he does or says: something good or something bad. Therefore, at the first stage, we will agree with Ira that this prospect really suits her. And she really wants her relationship with her husband to become more even, without strong emotional outbursts in any direction. Step 2 Find out harmful beliefs Emotional dependence arises subconsciously (since the subcortical structures of the brain are mainly responsible for emotions and attachments). And it is formed in relation to those people who best correspond to a certain image of an “ideal” partner. This image is also unconscious. To put it very simply, when we subconsciously identify a person with our “ideal” image, we experience strong positive emotions. Identification occurs at the moment when he does (or says) the way we want, i.e. meets our expectations and justifies them. If he does (or says) something “bad”, i.e. does not meet our expectations and our “ideal” image of a partner, then we experience strong negative emotions. Therefore, it is easiest to determine the “ideal” image of a partner (to realize it and describe it) precisely in moments of strong emotional experiences. At such moments our expectations become quite clear..