Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACAs) are people born and raised in families where one or both parents suffered from alcohol addiction. As a result, they have developed certain coping mechanisms and qualities to cope with the challenges of such a dysfunctional family environment. However, these very qualities can become a barrier and negatively affect their adult life. The myths about themselves and the world that they absorbed “with their mother’s milk” influence their ability to build relationships. These myths are transmitted not only verbally, but also through the smallest hints and hints, barely noticeable, which children perceive without realizing it. Myth No. 1 Close relationships are dangerous by absorption. If I enter into a close relationship, I lose myself in the other person. This myth is based on the behavior of my parents. They could not accept the child completely. They accepted only one part of it, other parts of it were ignored, rejected, simply replaced. In dysfunctional families, it is common to assign children one of the codependent masks “clown”, “clever”, “out of touch”, “invisible”. Any departures from the mask - parents ignore (and this is an unspoken rejection. If a parent does not approve of something, ignores it, then it does not develop). And if initially the child was lively and active, moderately inquisitive, he may be assigned the mask of “tears”, For example. Parents will focus attention on the child’s misdeeds and completely ignore the positive manifestations of his activity and love of life. His healthy part is completely ignored and withers away. But the painful part is nurtured, capable of pranks and misdeeds - “breakaway”. Thus, gradually, love of life and interest are replaced by the need to destroy and take risks and through this attract attention. For a child, wearing such a mask (or several, which still does not give his personality sufficient scope for full development) is the only way to remain in at least some contact with the parent. If you go beyond the mask, contact is here is lost. And the child is forced to choose: to lose part of himself in contact with the parent or to lose contact with the parent? Since survival directly depends on contact with the parent, the child is forced to choose contact with the parent and sacrifice parts of his personality for this. In an adult, this model is preserved and transferred to other relationships. He simply can’t imagine how other people can tolerate him being real, alive, vulnerable, with his own characteristics and strengths. He is sure that relationships are possible only if you wear masks and correspond to a certain role. The older a person is, the more fatigue accumulates because real intimacy never happens. And also from the fact that you need to constantly pretend to be someone you are not. Myth No. 2. If another recognizes the real me, he will turn away from me, leave me. I'm sure there's something in me that needs to be hidden. It is so repulsive that other people will leave me as soon as they find out about it. The basis of addiction and codependency is keeping a shameful secret about what is really going on in the family. Sometimes these are obvious attempts to hide the fact that one of the parents is using. This may be accompanied by an attempt to hide the violence that a codependent already uses against loved ones (he uses it because he does not know how to reach them yet, and also because his nervous system is exhausted and he is no longer able to restrain his anger). But this is not always the case. precisely an attempt to hide something like this. Sometimes it’s just something elusive hanging in the air. This often happens in families where the addict stopped using a long time ago, but codependency has not been cured. All codependent structures in the psyche of family members remain, all the crooked patterns of interaction too. Because of this, life in a family does not so much not provide warmth and peace - it is reminiscent of life in a trench in anticipation of some kind of war. Everyone seems to be waiting for something terrible all the time, and everyone always keeps their distance, hidestheir feelings. And the fact that all family members have a difficult life living alone together is precisely what is hidden. What is happening in the family is rarely talked about, because sometimes there is nothing to tell. Outwardly, this is an absolutely prosperous family. There is only a feeling that something is wrong. The dissonance from the fact that the family seems to be “good” but the person in it feels bad, makes him and himself consider himself somehow wrong. Since I suffer so much when “everything is fine” does that mean there is something wrong with me? Usually this is something that needs to be hidden - emotions, experiences, rejected parts of the personality. For example, a jester cannot be shown that he is actually deeply unhappy. And based on this myth, he is afraid to show his own grieving part. For a child in the role of a smart girl, such a secret is weakness, fatigue from an unbearable load, fear, the desire to rely on someone himself. No one should know that the smart girl is not such a superhero as she tries to seem. That is, in fact, there is no real frightening defect. There is simply confidence that it exists. This myth is maintained due to the endless guilt that is instilled in the child, either explicitly or implicitly. It may well be that the parent does not even name specific defects in the child’s personality for which he blames. He can accuse in general, but the child already interprets based on his feelings and what he is able to notice and understand. So it turns out that parental accusations, hitting at random, hit the child’s sore spots and aggravate them. Myth No. 3. Attention and love must be earned. If you don't have to deserve it, it's worthless. Parents were often unavailable to the child. He had to make an effort to interest them and get attention. Often this was negative attention, when the child was scolded for a prank or for a trait that was inconvenient for the parent. Much less often it was positive attention. But it was also aimed at developing and maintaining what is convenient for the parent. Growing up, such children go into love, as if checking the formula: my object must be inaccessible, indifferent, cold. He can be aggressive, inattentive, rude, in general , must, one way or another, cause pain. And I must try to earn crumbs of his attention and love. I have to be on my toes and on alert all the time. ACAs cannot build relationships with people who are ready to simply give their attention and love. They say “no chemistry.” They may also doubt the adequacy of the one who chose them and is ready to bestow love without the need to pay for it with additional efforts. Because of the belief in their own inferiority, ACAs automatically consider those who do not require service and additional effort to be inferior. “There is nothing wrong with me. I can't be loved. I must deserve love, only in this case is it available to me. If you chose me, there's something wrong with you too. And if so, why do I need you? You can't be served. But I don’t know how to be on equal terms.” Myth No. 4. The departure of a partner and minimal distance are felt as the end of the relationship, the threat of a breakup, the threat of being left alone again. For an ACA, it is simply unbearable to suddenly understand that the partner wants to increase the distance a little. For example, he is tired and wants to be alone, to recuperate. Or he has a business trip planned. Or there is simply an argument during which contact is naturally interrupted simply due to strong emotions on both sides. At this moment, the ACA feels what is happening as a real catastrophe. In his childhood, there were many moments when a parent suddenly stopped contact. This could be due to that he himself or the dependent spouse began to use again. This could happen simply because codependents often put work as a priority - that is, one of the parents forgot about everything for the sake of work, and accordingly was unavailable for emotional contact. And this always happened suddenly, without explanations and attempts to console the child. And the child learned: closeness and warmth can end at any moment. Therefore, he learned to look for any signs of this in advance. And such a child was: 8-918-253-73-83