USEFUL AND HARMFUL SHAME. Now I will explain the differences between such shame, and whether you need it or not - you decide for yourself. Shame has two purposes: stimulating development - useful and limiting - harmful. When I am ashamed and experience this unpleasant feeling. I can stimulate myself with this discomfort and change something. For example, I am ashamed that I did not fulfill the work plan and was not only reprimanded, but also deprived of my bonus. Next time I'll take on the project a week earlier and get it done on time. This shame turned out to stimulate development - therefore it gave me the opportunity to find a solution that would lead me to the desired result - submit a report, receive a bonus. Next month I submit a report, receive a bonus - there is a real result. This kind of shame is uncomfortable, but only to the extent that you can handle it. Which is what you do and it does not become your obstacle, but only stimulates you to take action. Here is another example. Your husband likes your mutual friend. You yourself like her - she is well-groomed, smells nice, her hair is done with makeup. You compare with yourself and become uncomfortable and ashamed that you have stopped taking care of yourself. This encourages me to go to the hairdresser, learn a few modern makeup skills, buy a pair of shoes, and take care of myself. Limiting shame in the first situation will look like this: so that my boss doesn’t scold me for not completing reports on time, I’d rather leave this job or choose another a position where you don’t have to deal with such demands. This shame is limiting - because it did not in any way influence the solution of the situation to implement the plan, but only limited the possibilities. Well, just think, he left and sacrificed the bonus. The same is true in the situation with a husband - as a result, when actions are taken not to attract his attention, but vice versa. One bonus, of course, is not such a loss, just like a scandal or divorce from a husband - but the way to avoid shame gradually becomes a habit and becomes automatic and imperceptible until the restrictions into which we are able to drive ourselves become unbearable. And it’s not surprising, because the choice was made in the direction of limitation. Instead of attentiveness to your personality, self-esteem, true needs, fear comes, which pushes unsuccessful decisions in the direction opposite to what you want. How to start changing something? If you have automatic shame and the environment has power over you and manipulates this feeling of yours, or you have limited yourself to the maximum from which you are also ashamed, then this can only be solved by a psychologist who has the skills to work with resistance in the psyche. I can, of course, write and causes of limiting shame. But why? No matter how much you know about reasons, your personal reasons will always have uniqueness and a tendency to hide it. And looking for someone to blame is just another action that leads away from solving the problem. If the stage of automaticity has not yet arrived and you distinguish your shame from the shame imposed on you, this means that you don’t need help. And if you do need it, write what it will be ? What do you most often fail to do with the feeling of shame? For example, it is difficult for me to accept shame, but when I do this, pushing pride into the background, I begin to see my mistakes, correct them and use the experience gained to solve similar situations in the future. This gives me strength, confidence, resources, strengthens self-esteem and stimulates development. These are my values. What are your values? What impact does shame have on your life? Does it limit or stimulate development?____ You can sign up for my consultations and get rid of harmful shame, resentment or guilt by calling +79788273545 (Viber, WhatsApp) or private messages Sign up for my consultations and get rid of harmful shame, resentment or guilt