From the author: From the author’s website: She didn’t walk in, but flew into the office - fast, bright, impetuous. With a run, as if knocked down, she collapsed into a chair. She fidgeted, made herself more comfortable, and looked around. “I’m afraid to fly,” she said. - And I need help. And it calmed down, went out, became barely noticeable. When a client brings a symptom to the therapist, there is always a moment of doubt and choice. You can work with the stated problem - what you brought is what we consider. You can go deep, look for what is behind the symptom, what gives rise to it and what it is needed for. The choice depends on many things - the methods in which the therapist works, his own worldview, approach, skills and preferences. First of all, it depends on the desire and mood of the client himself. Naturally, all this is discussed, and the therapist’s task is to clearly indicate to the client her capabilities, solutions and views on the problem. Something in her manner of moving, a strange combination of impetuosity and sudden calmness prompted me to ask the question: “Where do you want to fly?” She shuddered and was noticeably surprised: “Interesting question.” What about relaxation exercises, auto-training and working with fear? True, I’ve already tried all this - it doesn’t help. - Well, where to?.. - I’m afraid to fly, and if I weren’t afraid, I would fly far, far away. I wasn’t afraid before, I traveled a lot, I was easy-going, but the last five years have been downright terrifying. Where she would fly - it doesn’t matter, as long as it’s farther away from here. And from where, from whom? From my drunkard husband, I’m so tired of him, I feel so bad and sad with him. - How long do you live? - But we’ve been living for five years, I married him because of my citizenship, I thought I’d get used to it, but it doesn’t work out. I’ve already received citizenship, but now it’s a pity to give up a comfortable life, he’s provided for, and I’ll have to start all over again. So I’m sitting with him, and I can’t even go on vacation - I’m afraid... And throughout the entire story, he either becomes animated (when he talks about past vacations, about work, girlfriends, about life before marriage), then calms down, shrinks (when he talks it’s about a boring and musty, but such a comfortable life now). I drew her attention to this. Yes, he says, I notice it myself, that’s how I feel. Periods of revival and activity are becoming less and less frequent. There is little that pleases, little that is interesting. Not depression yet, but clearly in the direction of. And here I am faced with a difficult task. Veronica came with a specific request - fear of flying. He is afraid to fly and wants to stop being afraid, it’s simple. Work with aerophobia, teach to breathe, relax and ground yourself, don’t complicate it! But I can’t. I see her come alive as she talks about life before this marriage. And the eyes light up, and the gestures become active, and he laughs, remembering. I see Veronica alive and interesting. The work was important and loved, the friends were good, the son was independent. I don’t understand the reasons for such a change in life, I don’t see the reason, and I’m terribly wondering - what’s the matter? Can a psychotherapist follow his own interests? Should I? Doesn’t it seem strange - the client brings one topic, and the therapist begins to ask questions about another? My articles are read both by fellow psychotherapists who are well versed in working with internal phenomenology and working at the contact boundary, and by people who have nothing to do with psychotherapy, other than self-interest. Yeah! After all, interest is what encourages us to move on, to find out how everything works and what is connected to what. Therefore, I will explain: the therapist’s interest is like a flashlight, like a directed beam. You listen to the client, monitor his reactions, emotions, non-verbals. And you follow your own interest - what causes the greatest response? What attracts attention? What seems strange, illogical, unrelated? And what is my own in these reactions, and what relates to the client's story? And what - between us, about us? I wrote it and was surprised myself - what a high intensity of internal work! It’s not for nothing that most psychotherapists have the best rest - solitude, calm and detachment... But I digress. So. If you follow your interest, thenwe need to find out what and why Veronica is doing with her life, her activity and energy. How she stops herself and why she does it. But I am the performer, and the customer is Veronica. It is up to her to decide to what depth she wants to go in exploring her own conscious and unconscious motives. I tell Veronica about my doubts, my interest and vision. I explain the options and honestly say which one I like. Veronica replies that she herself was initially committed to long-term therapy. We agree on payment - Veronica must pay for therapy herself, from her own account, and not from her husband’s money. Otherwise, everything is standard - meetings once a week for an hour, warning of session cancellations at least 24 hours in advance. We do not specify the number of meetings, we will look at the circumstances. Let's start. Veronica shared an interesting metaphor in the third or fourth session - she said, I always had a feeling of wings behind my back. As you know from Nika of Samothrace. Goddesses of victory. I have the same name. So I flew, strong, confident. Everything worked out for me, I coped with all the difficulties, overcame all the difficulties, and did not give up. There were a lot of them, but I was proud of myself, how strong I was. And then the wings disappeared. And here I am, lethargic, wingless and afraid to fly on an airplane. What happened? Wings don't just disappear. When did this happen, what was the reason? It happened, yes. My best friend died suddenly, unexpectedly and unpredictably. And everything lost its meaning. Job? What for? (especially since the business was opened and created in partnership with a friend). Family? The son is an adult, he has his own life. My parents and sisters too. Family gatherings on holidays are no longer a joy - why bother, everyone is going to die. I stopped wanting to go somewhere, see, see, learn, try - everything that used to be bright, interesting and tempting. This was Veronica’s first encounter with death, and she was not ready. Who's ready? How to prepare for this? All previous methods did not work. Death cannot be overcome, defeated, removed. It's inevitable. Veronica, a fighter by nature, who lives by the principle “if the problem is not solved, it means you didn’t try hard,” found herself powerless in the face of this problem. But she didn’t dare. It was useless to try. Veronica decided to run away. She already understood that death could not be deceived, but maybe she could forget about it, distract herself, completely changing the entire environment, all the scenery. She pulled up old contacts, made a little effort - and here she is in another city, in another country, in another house. The husband is calm and rather indifferent, he was just looking for a companion, so that he would be nearby, but would not annoy or interfere, for the sake of which there would be no need to change his usual way of life, Veronica fit perfectly into this role. And she began to slowly die. No, she felt great, she is young and healthy. Her husband did not limit her resources, and she didn’t really need anything. But life stopped. The wings disappeared. Veronica also began to be afraid of flying on an airplane. That’s what our therapy was about. About losses, losses that are so difficult, but important to accept and mourn. About the fear of death. About the way to cope with it, which Veronica found for herself - to stop living, stop, hide, freeze. Become inanimate in advance so as not to feel fear for your life. And about the price that has to be paid - the loss of interest and taste for life, the loss of oneself, small fears that mask the big, constant, unbearable. And about the choice that needs to be made - to continue to be calm, but lifeless, with small tolerable phobias and habitual irritation or take a risk, get out of your shell, face your sadness and powerlessness, the desire to live and the fear of life. Actually, this is what I’m writing here - a choice that needs to be made. We all make it all the time, this choice, daily, hourly. With more or less awareness. Understanding the reasons or not noticing them. By receiving support from others or by opposing them. Psychotherapy can help a person become more aware of what is happening to him - what he is doing, what.