From the author: The sun shines equally for everyone, and human nature is sometimes very competitive, so “your neighbor’s lawn is always greener.” How to be constructive in real or imagined competition is a common theme for successful survival in the office or marriage. www.evgeniyavarlamova.comEvgeniya Varlamova, Ph.D., psychologist, coach, author of the New Year Coaching program www.varlamova.ru HOW TO GET WITH YOUR ENEMIES? The absence of enemies indicates the insignificance of nature. If we do something worthwhile in life, we inevitably encounter the interests of other people and cannot always come to mutual agreement with our opponents. Enemies are inevitable. Another question is whether it is possible to coexist peacefully with them? I defeat my enemies by turning them into friends. A.Lincoln. Think about the personal If you try to classify enemies, you can distinguish several types: just enemies, enemies of our friends and friends of our enemies. The most dangerous in the first category are former friends, since they know our weak points well and can knock us out with one blow. Sometimes avid enemies make good friends. As the ancients said, “one should love a friend, remembering that he can become an enemy, and hate an enemy, remembering that he can become a friend.” The strength of the enemy is rooted not so much in his outstanding abilities and cunning, but in our a priori weakness. For example, someone criticizes your work. This person can become an enemy only if you initially have low self-esteem. If you are delighted with yourself, your loved one, then you simply won’t hear criticism. Let’s assume you don’t know how to refuse people - any sufficiently persistent petitioner can become your enemy. If you are used to being the center of attention, you will hate anyone who can attract more attention to themselves than you. If you want to reduce the number of enemies to a minimum, engage in character education, increase self-esteem, learn to say “no” and realistically evaluate your own strength and charm. The more you think about your interests, the fewer enemies you will have. The principle “so that no one is offended” is inherently flawed. Very often, co-owners of companies who cannot find a common language with each other turn to psychological advice. From the very beginning, they wanted to do business together and share the profits equally. But it turned out that five (ten, twenty) different personalities cannot make exactly the same contribution to the matter. Over time, some became leaders, others became executors, but the attitude towards equality remained. As soon as partners begin to discuss problems based on their own benefit, and not on abstract ideas about goodness and humanism, they quickly come to a compromise, since it becomes easier for them to understand the claims of their interlocutors. Practice wisdom Konstantin Surnov, psychologist: “As my consulting experience shows, there are two polar tactics in relation to enemies. The first is orthodox Christian: if you were hit on the left cheek, turn your right. The second is innovative: if you were hit on the left cheek , put your right hand in, then sharply go down - and with your left, a direct blow to the jaw. The ability to beautifully antagonize is the skill of not a wise person, but a smart one. As you know, a wise person differs from a smart person in that he does not end up in the same situations that a smart person is from. comes out brilliantly. Wisdom in a situation of hostility, as they say in the East, is to simply sit on the porch of your house - then sooner or later the corpse of the enemy will be carried by. In America, wise police officers give approximately the following advice to residents of mixed areas: if yours. your not-so-prosperous neighbors bought a washing machine, go visit them and teach them how to use it correctly. Then the next time you buy a Mercedes, it won’t be set on fire or stolen. Here are some more tips: If you have an enemy, act as if nothing had happened. Hostility is like a disease. It, like any illness, will pass someday. If you have a chronic enemy - an inevitable competitor in business, love,politics - legitimize your relationship. Say it loudly: “We are good old enemies.” I once discovered this technique completely unexpectedly at a seminar for regional newspaper editors. In one small city there were only two mass newspapers: one was old, state-owned, financed from the budget, the second was new, absolutely independent, supported by money from subscribers and advertisers. Two editors, not without irony, introduced themselves to their colleagues: “We are irreconcilable competitors.” Don’t be afraid to openly admit the insoluble contradictions that you have with people. Do it with humor. In this way, you will limit the mutual struggle to a purely substantive framework, without mixing emotions into it. That is, you will be at enmity, but not nervous or worried about this. Try to treat the enemy as a friend, emphasize the similarities, common positions, share minor secrets, consult, involve in common affairs. Perhaps he himself will forget about his hostile intentions. Being friends is much more profitable. To disarm the enemy, ask directly: “Do I understand correctly - do you want to harm me?” This seemingly naive question can bring clarity to relationships. The partner will either have to honestly admit hostile intentions - and this will give a reason to continue the discussion, to clarify what exactly brought him to this state. Or, extremely amazed, the interlocutor admits that if he caused you damage, it was unintentionally. He will apologize and try to compensate for his guilt. If your partner begins to “play the fool,” without admitting his guilt, declaring you to be the main culprit, this means that he is not yet ready to openly discuss the contradictions that have arisen between you. but at least he will know that you have seen through him. If this is the first time you have felt hostile sentiments, try to communicate with the potential enemy as much as possible. Clarify his interests, explain your position, highlight the commonality of goals. Most often, hostility is based on misunderstanding, closedness, and the unknown, which is where the feeling of threat and the desire to protect oneself in advance and aggressively come from. Therefore, the process of negotiations itself can destroy the basis for hostility. There is a pattern in the business sphere: the more serious the topic, the longer the negotiations last. This is not only meaningful, but also emotional: partners, after spending a lot of time with each other, become clearer and closer to each other, trust arises between them, without which any large-scale projects are impossible. Remember that you always have a choice: experience a feeling of hostility or step aside, do something completely different, change the context and save yourself from unpleasant experiences. In business life it looks like this. For example, a person from the position of financial director is moved to the position of accountant. He has two options for behavior. First: he sees the one who took his place as a personal enemy and tries to discredit the newcomer in the eyes of his colleagues and superiors. This path is the most unfortunate: the “dissatisfied” person will most likely be fired, since any manager puts a good atmosphere in the team above the ambitions of individual employees. The second option: a person continues to work as if nothing had happened, because the job is important to him, not the position. Leonid Parfenov, having left the post of general producer of NTV, was not at all offended and took up his own author’s projects. If your position is more important to you, look for a position in another company. You can use his own methods against the enemy, trying to discredit him, passing off his advantages as shortcomings. We could see how this is done in recent elections: they said about an experienced person that he was too weak, about a young person - that he was inexperienced. If a politician is a good business executive, then he is a thief, but if he is unfamiliar with practical work, then he is an empty politician. But these unscrupulous methods also work against the author himself - he will inevitably get dirty in the mud that he will try to pour on others. Acute enmity, as well as strong