HOW AND WHY TO LOVE A CHILD? The topic of the influence and role of the mother (and other significant adults) on the development of the child’s personality and on his psycho-emotional state is important and interesting to me, since in my work I constantly encounter various childhood problems and disorders, as well as problems of motherhood. The importance and significance for your child of relationships with his own mother, relationships in his own family in childhood is well known. Let's consider some aspects of these relationships and their possible impact on the life and development of the child. The great influence of the role of the mother (family) is clearly visible in the study of the Alor tribe (A. Kardiner). The women of the tribe, having fed the baby at dawn, abandon him to the mercy of fate or the care of older children, who are not at all interested in this and who do not feel the slightest love for the younger ones, and work all day in the field. The kids cry and beg their mother to take them with her. There is no period in a child’s life when he can fully enjoy parental care and tenderness. As soon as a child, especially a female, grows up, he is forced to seriously help his mother."...What do we observe among these people? They do not feel attachment to their parents... their conscience is very underdeveloped; having done something wrong, they only experience fear. Relations between the sexes are disgusting, and all types of human connections... are very seriously broken.... The Alor tribe is suspicious, full of distrust of themselves and of the whole world. They are wary, always ready to fight back and at the same time cowardly, insecure, they constantly imagine some kind of threat......The ability for mutual understanding is extremely underdeveloped... they do not have the slightest idea of ​​what is happening in the soul of the interlocutor. If any elements of cooperation are noted, then it arises exclusively. for practical reasons, unreliability is distinguished. By exchanging signs of attention, the parties always strive to deceive the other. Creativity is unfamiliar to them, art is primitive and poor. . Apparently, every mother will have to find her own middle ground in communicating with her own baby. But let's try to figure it out: Who is a really good mother? What is the optimal amount of love and amount of space between a mother and her child? Most psychologists believe that a child needs access to his mother in order for him to have a sense of security and not have feelings of anxiety. But it is important that maternal love does not consume personal space, does not suppress the child’s independence and does not stand in the way of his growing up. A mother must have not only the desire to be with her baby, but also the desire to separate and let him go from herself. The mother's physical presence, communication with her, emotional attitude, all this is integrated with the growth and development of the child and further affects the health and life path of your daughters and sons. “Mother's love is an unconditional affirmation of the child's life and needs. Most mothers give their children “milk,” but only a few also give “honey,” writes E. Fromm. “Maternal love should instill in the child a love of life, and only happy women can do this. Otherwise, anxiety is transmitted to the child and all this greatly affects the child’s personality. The essence of mother's love is to promote the growth of the child, to love the growing child, to help him separate. Women who know how to love others are capable of this.” It is worth noting that the “environment” of your baby, which shapes his personality and plays a decisive role in his entire future fate, is not only the mother, but the entire family as a whole, which will satisfy or not satisfy the mental needs of their child. Mental needs of your child a good family environment will best satisfy. The family not only provides the child with optimal opportunities for the formation of his personality, but it also naturally introduces him to constantexpanding social relations creates the preconditions for his socialization. The child learns to respond to constantly changing social situations. With the help of the mother and other family members in whom the child finds support, he establishes new relationships and takes on certain roles and positions. His confidence, as well as the healthy self-confidence resulting from warm feelings in his own family, facilitates social adaptation in childhood and contributes to subsequent adulthood. The various difficulties that an adult has in the social sphere are largely due to the fact that during their childhood these people lived in a conflicting, cold atmosphere or were exposed to different, sometimes contradictory, methods of education in the family. In his research, U. Bronfenbrenner writes that unfavorable conditions cannot but affect the mental development of the child. He writes about the existence of the concept of “age segregation,” which characterizes the changes taking place in recent years in the lives of children and the younger generation. Age segregation manifests itself in the inability of young people to find a place in society. This fact of isolation of young people from other people and the real matter in American psychology is called alienation. And American researchers are looking for the roots of this phenomenon in the characteristics of the modern family. Bronfenbrenner notes the following important circumstances: - most mothers work (the demands of professional activity, which apply not only to working, but also to the free time of mothers and fathers, lead to the fact that the child spends time more often with passive nannies than with parents). - is growing. the number of divorces, and, consequently, single-parent families and low material standards - achievements of civilization (the appearance of additional televisions in the family, the presence of family rooms and separate bedrooms, special rooms for games, etc. leads to a further deepening of isolation between generations, in an extreme case such isolation device is an “artificial nanny”). Thus, all these circumstances and their consequences negatively affect the mental development of the child. The initial symptoms of this appear in the emotional and motivational sphere: hostility, indifference, irresponsibility and inability to do things that require diligence and persistence. In more severe cases, the consequences also manifest themselves in a deterioration in the ability to think, operate with concepts and numbers, even at the most basic level. Both domestic and foreign psychologists, studying the characteristics of upbringing in different families, came to the conclusion that the formation of children’s personal qualities directly depends on the style of communication and interaction in their family. Next, I would like to give examples of the main styles of parenting and their impact on the development of your child’s personality (according to M. Kravtsova). Authoritarian parenting style Communication between children and parents does not occur as such; it is replaced by strict requirements and rules. Parents most often give orders and expect them to be carried out exactly; discussion is not allowed. Children in such families are usually unassuming, withdrawn, fearful, gloomy and irritable. Girls typically remain passive and dependent throughout adolescence and young adulthood. Boys can become uncontrollable and aggressive and react extremely violently to the restrictive and punitive environment in which they were raised. Liberal parenting styleParents hardly regulate the child’s behavior at all and are open to communication with children. Children are given complete freedom with little guidance from their parents. The absence of any restrictions leads to disobedience and aggressiveness; children often behave inappropriately in public, tend to indulge their weaknesses, and are impulsive. Under favorable circumstances, children in such families become active, decisive and creative individuals. If connivance is accompanied by open hostility on the part of the parents, nothing stops the child fromgive free rein to your most destructive impulses. Rejecting parenting style By their behavior, parents demonstrate obvious or hidden rejection of the child. For example, in cases where the birth of a child was initially undesirable or if they wanted a girl, but a boy was born. The child initially does not meet the parents' expectations. It happens that at first glance the baby is desired, he is treated attentively, he is cared for, but he has no emotional contact with his parents. As a rule, in such families children become either aggressive or downtrodden, withdrawn, timid, and touchy. Rejection gives rise to a feeling of protest in the child. Traits of instability and negativism are formed in the character, especially in relation to adults. Indifferent parenting styleParents do not set any restrictions for children, are indifferent to them, and are closed to communication. Often they are so immersed in their own problems that they simply do not have time and energy to raise their children. If parental indifference is combined with hostility, the child may show a tendency towards antisocial behavior. Hypersocial parenting styleParents strive to meticulously follow all recommendations for the “ideal” upbringing of a child. Children in such families are overly disciplined and diligent. They are forced to constantly suppress their emotions and restrain desires. The result of such upbringing is violent protest, aggressive behavior of the child, and sometimes auto-aggression. Egocentric parenting style A child, often the only one long-awaited, is forced to imagine himself as a highly valuable person. He becomes the idol and “meaning of life” of his parents. At the same time, the interests of others are often ignored and sacrificed to the child. As a result, he does not know how to understand and take into account the interests of others, does not tolerate any restrictions, and aggressively perceives any obstacles. Such a child is disinhibited, unstable, and capricious. Authoritative parenting style The most effective and favorable for the development of a child’s harmonious personality. Parents recognize and encourage their children's growing autonomy. They are open to communication and discussion with children of established rules of behavior, they allow changes in their requirements within reasonable limits. Children in such families are excellently adapted, self-confident, they have developed self-control and social skills, they do well in school and have high self-esteem. The absence or lack of maternal affection and love very often causes the child to develop not only a number of negative, or even simply severe mental states, ranging from feelings of insecurity, embitterment, autistic tendencies, hyperactivity, relationship problems, but also physical psychosomatic ailments, and even the death of a child. No matter how wonderful the conditions in which orphans or children abandoned by their mother are raised, they, growing up, look for a mother (real or ideal) - the most dear, close and native creature in the world. The topic of love for a child is broad and multifaceted. With this conversation we highlighted some aspects of this topic. More specific questions concerning each baby individually will have to be resolved by every woman who has become or is about to become a mother, and how she can love her own child will be told not only by experience and knowledge of the subject of discussion, but also by her own mother’s heart. The most important thing is to always remember that your love for your children should be unconditional. The child should be sure that he is always loved by you, no matter what grade he received at school, or what vase he accidentally broke. He should know that you love him just like that, just because he exists! And don’t forget about respect for your own daughters and sons! If warmth, attention, love and respect reign in your relationship, then your child will grow and develop unhindered! What else to read? Here is my book about raising a confident and independent child. This book will be useful for parents who want to raise a confident and independent child. If.