From the author: We are all connected to each other in one way or another. Some of them are healthy, providing the opportunity for development and relative freedom, others are clearly with disturbances in distance, with distortions, painful, with a violation of personal psychological boundaries. relationships in which your state, mood, perception of yourself depends on the Other person more than on you themselves. Often such relationships are called codependent. HOW TO BECOME THE AUTHOR OF YOUR LIFE. 12 STEPS TO EXIT A CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP. A child is born fragile, helpless, requiring care and attention. That is why the role of Adults (Parents, Grandparents and other close relatives) is so important. They provide care and security, educate and show the first experience of relationships. This is vital for any human being. The Mother-Child relationship becomes especially important. And if they are established as warm, stable, safe and trusting, then by the age of 3 a very important stage of development is completed - psychological birth. The child begins to feel well connected with the Mother. And this connection subsequently allows him to separate, become independent, experiment, explore the world around him, rely on his inner strength, declare himself, and not wait for someone else to control his behavior. The child develops a sense of his own “I”. This gives him the ability to make choices and take responsibility for his actions, interact with other people, cope with anxiety and fear, express his feelings and manage emotions. This important stage of development can be disrupted or not completed for a number of reasons - distant, cold, cruel relationships in dysfunctional families are as dangerous as suffocating-loving, controlling and absorbing any manifestation of independence. And then the child grows up and becomes dependent on other people (sometimes on alcohol and drugs) or codependent, emotionally immature, and perceives himself as an attachment to other, stronger people. He always needs another, who knows better what to feel, do, who to be friends with and who to love, where to study and who to work... He is constantly looking for advice (although he never does what is advised), he is dependent on other people's opinions (which annoys him). He remains, as it were, an adult child and for the role of his Partner he chooses a person who performs a parental function - chooses, decides, takes responsibility... Sometimes crisis situations exacerbate internal conflicts and a clear dissatisfaction with his life and relationships appears, and this pushes a person to changes. “As long as you say something that is not what you think, agree with what you do not believe in, do something that is not what you are predisposed to, ALL THIS TIME YOU ARE NOT LIVING AT ALL.” (Sun Tzu. Chinese philosopher and strategist) I want to offer 12 steps that will help you feel not only the Author, but also the Main Executor of YOUR LIFE. Their sequence can be different, individual in complexity and duration, and require help and support. But the Game is worth the candle - after all, your life is at stake. Step 1. Realize the codependency of your relationships with loved ones (parents, partners, friends). It’s not easy, because it’s so familiar, pervasive and ordinary: “What’s wrong here?! Everyone lives like this!!” It's like a dream - it's hard to wake up and believe that it might not be possible any other way. In addition, codependency (emotional dependence) can be a mechanism for survival and maintaining safety. Not noticing your feelings, repressing your experiences, ignoring discomfort and pain becomes habitual. And you simply didn’t have another life. Step 2. Understand the cause of the problems. This is the History of your life, development and upbringing. Alcoholism or drug addiction of family members, intense love or intense rejection, abuse, childhood trauma of abandonment or abandonment. .. Or some other features of family relationships. It is important to remember, recognize and realize them. Step 3.See the incompleteness of the psychological development process. Strong dependence on parents even in adulthood, repeating relationship scenarios, the psychological similarity of your partners to your parents... These and other signs that can be discovered when analyzing your life will tell you the direction of work on yourself. This stage may require additional support and assistance (for example, a psychologist). After all, your family members may be satisfied with the existing picture of life and the role you play in it. And not everyone will be pleased with your determination and desire to grow up. Step 4: Refuse to see others as bad, wrong, or wrong. This will help you see yourself and others in their true light. Your desire to feel always right can greatly distort reality. Step 5. Stop hating yourself. If you try to separate yourself and consider your family to be bad, you will have to periodically suffer from feelings of guilt and consider yourself bad and wrong. This lowers self-esteem and makes you suffer from your own inadequacy. Therefore, it is better to transform negative ideas about yourself - into this an additional resource for change. Step 6. Refuse manipulation. In a codependent relationship, the Weak is the Strong. He controls others passively and as if from the shadows. It is not pleasant to notice how and when you play the role of the Victim. But Awareness of this will allow you to make significant progress in your own life and in relationships with other people. Step 7. Learn to speak directly, ask openly and satisfy your needs like an adult. Are you familiar with the situation when you ask not directly, but in such a way that the other person guesses, understands, feels what you want? And if not, then it’s so convenient to be angry and dissatisfied! Or do you sometimes ask with indignation and anger? And you are surprised that your partner “does it out of spite”, resists and refuses. Direct requests are the path to autonomy and independence. How paradoxical it sounds. Step 8. Learn to feel your needs and express your feelings. Most often, a person hides his feelings and thoughts when he grows up in a dysfunctional family. “Do not wash dirty linen in public”, stop feeling pain and shame, anger and disappointment, you must “have the right” to be angry and be dissatisfied... But by turning off “bad” feelings, a person stops feeling “good” ones, stops being happy, to admire, receive satisfaction and pleasure. To regain your sensitivity, you need to relive some moments of your childhood that “didn’t happen the way you wanted.” Step 9. Love your “inner child.” If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you didn’t have enough love and care, you had to “grow up” early, please others, not notice insults and emotional wounds, then your “inner child” is still suffering. Restore your integrity, become mature and truly an Adult. You can, if you regain the opportunity to love and respect yourself, be proud of your achievements, appreciate your efforts, praise yourself for your successes. Step 10. Learn to define and protect your psychological boundaries. Your personal territory is your body, your feelings, thoughts and actions . You have every right to think differently than everyone else, to feel differently, to act based on your own considerations of safety and interest, and even more so to respect the boundaries of your body. Systematic violation of psychological, and even more so physical, boundaries is one of the main causes of addiction and codependency in relationships. There is a fear of choosing and making decisions, focusing on other people’s opinions and advice, and a whole “bouquet” of problems and illnesses. By returning the Authorship of your life, take care of returning your psychological boundaries. Step 11. Learn to create close relationships. Fear of close relationships is fear, that other people will control, offend, subjugate, suppress. This fear does not allow the establishment of cooperative relationships and equal interaction. Overcoming it is difficult, but possible. In your.