From the author: This article was prepared for June 1, Children’s Day. The desire to protect your child and love for him are completely natural and socially approved feelings, the leitmotif of parent-child relationships. But is it always easy for you to communicate with your children? This article was prepared for June 1, Children's Day. The desire to protect your child and love for him are completely natural and socially approved feelings, the leitmotif of parent-child relationships. But is it always easy for you to communicate with your children? Does it happen that you feel tired, irritated, resentful, angry, despair? Do you often give up? Do you sometimes want to take advantage of parental authority and insist on your own? And at what moments does this happen? Perhaps the child requires attention when you are busy. Or he accuses you of something, says something offensive, fights with you, doesn’t listen, ignores you. Adults usually call this “bad behavior.” So, what should parents do with “negative” feelings towards their child and how to protect themselves from his “bad” behavior? First of all, understand that children do not behave this way because they really want to “make fun” of adults. They, as a rule, have more significant motives and reasons. Children's behavior has true goals. That's what we'll talk about today. Katherine Qualls (author of books and television and radio programs dedicated to parenting and relationships between children and parents. President of INCAF - International Network for Children and Families - an international center that teaches parents and children to establish contact and avoid conflicts in the family) identifies four main motives of behavior child: Attention. Power. Revenge. Evasion. How to understand what is behind this or that child’s action in order to reorient the child’s behavior? A good “litmus test” is parental feelings and reactions. So, if, in addition to love, you feel towards your child: - Irritation. You want to remind your child that you are busy, to persuade him not to disturb you. Or you are annoyed by his “too exemplary” behavior, servility. A classic example: your guests are friends with whom you have not communicated for a long time. The child interferes in the conversation of adults and constantly “pulls” you. Having received a remark and achieved your attention, the child temporarily stops disturbing you. What the child says with his actions: “People love me only when they pay attention to me, even if this attention is negative...”. The purpose of this child’s behavior is attention. How you can redirect this behavior: do not look into the child’s eyes. Don't say anything. Silently let him know that you love him. For example, take him by the hand, hug him or stroke him. It is worth teaching your child to ask for attention in an appropriate way. Agree on this. I recently found an excellent illustration of these recommendations in an article for parents. Mom communicates with a friend (as in the classic example above). A child (of senior preschool age) comes up and silently puts his hand on his mother’s palm, as if giving the signal “I need to distract you for a while.” The woman hugs her son and lightly squeezes his palm in response, making it clear that she noticed and understood his request for attention. As soon as there is a slight pause in the conversation with the guest (for whom the child calmly waited), he turns to him and finds out what exactly the boy wanted to say. That is, mother and son were able to agree in advance on such interaction in which mutual irritation and reasons for conflicts did not arise. And one more thing: pay more attention to the child at a time when he is not fighting for this very attention in a way that is “inconvenient” for adults.—Incitement on the part of the child, challenge. The desire to take advantage of the authority of an adult, to insist on one’s own. How does a child in this situation react to your remark: he fights with you, fights for the right to be the master of the situation, to surpass you. What does the child say with his behavior: “They will only take me into account when I have influence. You will do thisas I want! You still won’t force me to act your way!” The goal of the child’s behavior in this case is to achieve influence, to gain power. How can this behavior be reoriented? Often create situations in which the child can make his own choices. Try to avoid orders. Don't compete, don't get involved in a quarrel. Give your child the opportunity to express himself within the boundaries you set. For example, he can independently decide which section or circle is more interesting for him to study in, or in what order to complete his homework. Please also note: it is impossible to reorient a child’s behavior if you are controlled by strong anger. First, “discharge”, that is, give vent to your emotions in an acceptable way: shout somewhere in the most isolated place, break something not particularly valuable, speak out to a person you can trust, write a “letter of anger” and destroy it, go in for sports - this usually works well to reduce aggression. The choice of the appropriate method is individual; this is generally a separate topic. But in general terms, you don’t need to “discharge” in front of the child. By the way, it makes sense to teach your child to adequately express his feelings and negotiate. When there are no conflicts between you, more often give your child the opportunity to influence and make decisions. - Resentment, pain, rage. The desire to cause pain, to take revenge on the child, to “settle scores.” It’s as if you were “hooked on something sore.” How the child behaves: hurts you, says offensive phrases, accuses you. What signal is he giving, what is he trying to convey to his parents: “Even though they don’t love me, and I can’t do anything, they will only take me into account when I take revenge on the offender. Let them know how it feels for me!” The purpose of this child’s behavior, as you probably already guessed, is revenge. How can adults redirect this behavior? Don't vent your grievances. Step away for the time needed to relax and restore calm (as in the previous case with “power”). Do something to restore your relationship with your child. Remember your love for him (as I wrote at the beginning of the article, this feeling almost always acts as the leitmotif of child-parent relationships, despite all the difficulties of raising a child). First of all, establish trusting contact, then share your feelings and ask about the child’s feelings. Teach your child to adequately express his resentment, pain, anger (this was also mentioned earlier). If you allow him to experience these feelings towards you, he will not need to take revenge.—Despair, fatigue, helplessness, self-pity. You give up. The child does not react in any way to your comments. It seems to “reflect” your emotions. Feels that everything is useless, there is no point in even trying. The child says with his behavior: “I won’t do anything right, so I won’t do anything at all. I'm mediocre and stupid. Leave me alone". This is most likely an evasion. There is such a phenomenon - “learned helplessness” (due to a series of failures, a person stops doing anything over time and does not notice obvious options for solving problems). Avoidance is very close to it. How can you help a child change this behavior and believe in himself again? Give up expectations, just believe in him. Demonstrate more often that your child is dear and important to you, regardless of his achievements, take all his advantages and disadvantages for granted. Psychologists call this “unconditional love.” Carefully, slowly lead him to success, noting and celebrating every small step. Don't do anything for him. Find or create a situation where the child feels his dignity. Give him a lot of support, high-quality positive feedback. Give thanks for any effort. Act slowly, do not speed up the pace, so that the child does not return to the feeling of “failure” and “mediocrity.” These and many other useful recommendations are given in her book “Parenting Without Punishment” by Katherine Qualls, which I have already mentioned in this article. I also recommend those who have become».